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  • 3 Post By TheDuke

Thread: Need help with approach anxiety

  1. #1
    Mystik is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Need help with approach anxiety

    It's funny. I can be a very friendly social person in most situations but when it comes to approaching a woman I don't know or a group of women in a bar(or similar environment)I just freeze up and make excuses to myself as to why I won't approach them(or her). Tonight for example there were two women at a bar who came in after I did. I wasn't going to walk all the way over to them plus the music was really loud where they were. But there were other women there(mostly in groups but mostly younger people). Another bar I know of gets really crowded and there's not much space so in a way that could make it easier to approach women. Anyway, does anyone have any tips on how to get over this. I know I won't get very far if I never approach. If I knew of a good way to approach it might relieve some of my anxiety.

  2. #2
    Loudou is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    Sounds like you aren't comfortable with the environment you are trying to do approaches at. Maybe go on an off night or go somewhere that is more spacious?

  3. #3
    lexusff is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    It's a necessary step in your way to be masterful. You are shy in loud or crowd conditions because you are not really sure that you are really cool and sexy. You should overcome this obstacle and became a new person, better person than you was. Firstly you should understand why you are awesome, sexy guy. Then you should practise. You should displace yourself in the center of people's attention and feel yourself fine in this conditions. Sorry for my grammar and good luck!

  4. #4
    TheDuke's Avatar
    TheDuke is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    The only way to get over aa is to just go in and approach. Just say, "Fuck it, it doesn't matter what they think and if I fuck it up really bad I'll never see them again anyways."

    The one time I get really bad AA in the bar is when I'm in a very small bar that only has one or two sets. I know that if I screw it up then I'm going to have to either leave the bar to find new sets or just suck it up. But even then, both those options are better than not approaching.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  5. #5
    Bballking is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    Quote Originally Posted by TheDuke View Post
    The only way to get over aa is to just go in and approach. Just say, "fark it, it doesn't matter what they think and if I fark it up really bad I'll never see them again anyways."

    The one time I get really bad AA in the bar is when I'm in a very small bar that only has one or two sets. I know that if I screw it up then I'm going to have to either leave the bar to find new sets or just suck it up. But even then, both those options are better than not approaching.
    Thats a key part of it, next time you don't approach take a note of how you feel about it. Realistically, the resulting anguish is probably going to be on the same level you'd feel from getting shut down. Difference is the anguish of being shut down decreases with practice, the former never does.

    I'm still working on this myself. Mystery's 3 second rule is a good starter. Get in there before your mind has a chance to make excuses.

  6. #6
    HunterKiller is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    Few people would ever have the guts to tell us the kinds of things we tell ourselves could happen when we prepare for the worst.
    you are a soul playing a game of human
    might as well unlock all the secret areas

  7. #7
    Fesaz is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    Here's how I'm currently dealing with it:

    I would freeze up mainly because I don't know what to do or say next.
    When really, its just that I don't know what they would want me to do or what they want to hear next.
    Bad way of looking at it because you're setting yourself up to seek approval.

    When I do approach a girl I don't know, I do it because I want to do it. I'm not seeking a reaction from them. This way I'm less sensitive to any bullsh1t that does come my way.

    Even if my approach is bad, I always make sure its a strong approach.
    E.g. If its group of girls, I throw myself in and project what interests me. I have balls.

    (what I mean by strong approach)
    As soon as a hot girl acknowledges me what's going through my head is 'yeah I've got balls let me show you how much balls I have you're looking in the eyes of a future baller how my guys do you know have this much balls hmmm not many'. Then I just throw myself in.

    Even if I get blown out, I have something to work with that will enable me to improve. They won that round but next time I'll be stronger. I'm also expanding my comfortzone.


    Hope some of these ideas help

    Thanks

  8. #8
    Fesaz is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    Quote Originally Posted by Mystik View Post
    If I knew of a good way to approach it might relieve some of my anxiety.
    There is no real right way to approach a girl.(excluding the intuitively obvious don'ts)
    you approach the girl how YOU want to approach the girl. This is YOU.


    anxiety comes from fear of rejection.
    you fear rejection because you do not want to fail with this girl.
    you only fail when you aren't in the game
    you can mess up an approach, laugh it off, and actually succeed with that girl later. I've done that because I tried. It's never over.


    there will be other girls. If anything you need to fail right now so you'll never make the same mistake again.

    you may even need to fail again.


    Thanks again folks
    good luck!

  9. #9
    Mystik is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    Unless a woman is rude to you in an obvious way or she tries to talk to your friends when you are talking to you or ignores you totally at some point I would say keep going with the interaction. Don't pay too much attention to her response or reaction. In fact you can tease her for it like "wow, you must add or something.""Did you leave your ritalin in your car?" "It's ok. I'll wait here while you go get it. I might be talking to ten different women when you get back though." Being non reactive and non approval seeking is a big part of it.

    I heard about something called getting blown out intentionally when you first approach. What should you say in order to get intentionally blown out. Also, is that really a good idea because other women will see this and think you did it intentionally and maybe not want to talk to you after they see you get blown out.

  10. #10
    Fesaz is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Need help with approach anxiety

    Quote Originally Posted by Mystik View Post
    Unless a woman is rude to you in an obvious way or she tries to talk to your friends when you are talking to you or ignores you totally at some point I would say keep going with the interaction. Don't pay too much attention to her response or reaction
    As you're talking to that girl before she does any of these things check around for another set to open when she's not looking. If another set sees you chatting up that girl they will be more attracted and open to your approach, so if she goes cold, you can use the momentum you've built up approaching this girl to open another.
    She herself will also be more attracted to see you talking to other (hot) girls and will often assume you know them.
    When you're having fun she'll wanna get involved.


    you'd intentionally get blown out to reduce your fear of rejection at any time
    you're getting used to the worst possible outcome so you'll fear it less after you've been through it

    only ways i know to get blown out intentionally:

    -walking down the street on a night out walk beside a girl you don't know and feed her bs like...
    Hi I have a swimming pool, I eat in the swimming pool, I sleep in the swimming pool, I make love in the swimming pool,
    I get high in the swimming pool etc.-

    She'll drop you eventually

    -saw you standing across the room thought i'd come and say hi,
    but what i noticed about you was aaaaaaaaaaah (like you're stalling. keep that up until she walks away)-

    she'll leave because clearly the conversation isn't going anywhere and you're being annoying


    basically if a girl you approached does go cold just approach another group of girls because you can.
    If you get blown out she might see it but she won't be put off because you can just act like oh yeah i know them.


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