How do I fit
I’m an expat here which, on average, can be a bit of a plus. Also another small plus for my nationality often considered the “cradle” of the Latin lovers, in spite of me not being one of them unluckily .
On the other hand expat can be bit of a negative as not everyone speaks English or is willing to use it.
I go mostly by myself, I feel it’s more difficult that if with a friend because if you get blown out you come across as creeprir to bystanders and you don’t have nobody to go back to nurse your wounds .
I’ve been mostly hanging out at the closest metro and tram station. I don’t think it’s a perfect place as many are on the way or on the run to catch a bus/tram/metro or going to meet someone.
Also, it’s a place where at times there are people handing out flyers and/or druggies asking for coins, so many might be naturally inclined to keep walking when someone speaks to them.
But I don’t like malls, winters are long here and now that it’s spring I don’t want to cage myself around 4 walls.
Also I don’t like coffee shops and walking around the center you meet too many tourists. And at the park it’s mostly dates or groups…
Let's get on with it
So here are my “issues/doubts”:
1. Feeling judged by people around..
I don’t get much fazed by girls refusing me. And I don’t have many problems approaching if there are no people close by that could hear me/us.
It’s not good to have people around in general I believe, because also the girl could feel judged/bothered by people around.
But it’s not an excuse not to do it.
I think what bothers me is that I’m afraid of being shrugged off by the girl and being seen as a creepy guys by the bystanders.
It’s already happened, more than once, and it wasn’t pleasurable at all .
Also, I even think “what if someone I know is around now?”
It’s already happened a girl I know saw me there.
Example (option for the reader):
I was going after this cute Vietnamese girl. Vietnamese tend to be a “closed group” here generally more suspicious than locals.
There were many people going in the metro, I walk by her and nudge her on the arm. As she turns I say “hi”. She jump 1meter away as if I had flashed her… A knife .
I pulled on the side and stopped, and for around 10 long seconds everyone walking past had their judgmental gazes on me as I were a rapist.
Damn , I just wanted to say “hi” .
This is just an example, but similar has happened to me and it’s never pleasurable.
1.1 Sometimes I judge myself through my social circle
Sometimes I feel like I’m being a bit sleazy myself.
I’m out of work at the moment. I was pretty good, wasn’t my fault at all my contract wasn’t rolled over. I don’t have money issue and won’t have for at least some months, but still I feel a bit I’m coming short of what a “respectable citizen” should be and do (such as, at my age: work).
Sometimes I think of what some people and/or ex colleagues would think of me and I think I judge myself through those people that would judge me badly.
“Here I am, loitering at the metro stop, looking for girls while other people are busy working..”, I think.
I mean, it’s not a major issue at all, but I think this is a weakness of mine: giving too much weight to what others would think of me and judge myself through their eyes.
Anyone feels the same?
2. How to deal with groups, if at all?
Sometimes I approach two girls when I’m interested in one. But not often.
And how do you deal with the “friend?” Do you include her, looking at her as well or do you completely Isolate girl you like and talk to her? I tend to include the friend, but I feel I look at her too much and I should concentrate more on the target.
And what about bigger groups? I almost never approach those, never if guys are in it.
Do you approach groups?
Girl and a guy are almost off limits.
Even though they might just be friends, they might also be together and/or on a date, and it seems a bit disrespectful anyway and “pushing it too much”.
3. How to avoid putting too much effort ?
I don’t think I’m doing this very efficiently because it shows I put a lot of effort in the chase.
For the girls that don’t refuse at the outset, it might sound more like “how cool I had this suitor who liked me, stopped me (or ran after me), it feels good, but now lemme get on with my things” rather than “what a lucky day this for having had this guy walk up to me, I have to get more of him”.
This is because I often see a girl coming in front of me, or going in a different direction, or while I’m standing, or while they’re standing waiting for someone: I mean come on, it’s rare you are actually close to a girl and walking towards the same place so it’s not that naturally easy making it seem effortless!
So I have to run after the girl, and/or stop them and either ask for the contact right there or may be walk with them for a while.
And you can rarely ask them to stop with you for more than a couple of minutes because most of the times they are going somewhere, it’s not like people loiter around like I do
So there I am, I am the who went up to them and possibly the one walking with them to their destination.
How to make it more effortless from your side?
4. When to ask for the contact?
How much to talk before agreeing on seeing each other again and/or asking for the contact?
Do you try to create a connection before asking, which is not always possible anyway?
Or do you ask first and then try to create a connection.
Or in the middle.
I wing it, do it as I feel, but I wanted to know if you a “preferred method” you try to use more frequently?
5. What contact to ask for (number or FB)?
More times than not I end up with a FB, and so far I’ve always been OK with it, indeed when the girl doesn’t care so far I’ve always preferred FB.
I’ve gone for FB so far because:
-It can help reassure: you’re a stranger to her. If you’ve just spoken for 5 mins, I think it can be very reassuring for her to know a bit more about me and look at the pics;
-it’s cheaper: mobile rates here are high, and many girls I meet are students. And it’s also not bad for me to save ;
-I do have nice pics on FB;
-I can get to know a bit more about her myself.
But I’m now thinking it’s not the best idea because:
-It adds one further step that makes you look more like chasing: you first have to add her, 1st chase; then have to send a message, 2nd chase. Add to that that you stopped her in the street, and you’ve already done 3 chasing acts!! She really had to be into you not to think “this guy really is putting some effort for me”.
With the phone number you go directly to the message/text (I never call).
-My profile pic might seem too smug and put some people off. I’m a very friendly guy but I like to dress well and like the “light vanity” of my profile pic, but it echoes a bit the picture of those girls that wants to desperately look good and always make me think “what a fake” (I’d appreciate a peer review, PM me for the pic if you feel like).
Your thoughts on this?
6. How much to insist after a first no?
I know it’s hard to even give suggestions on this, but you can share your thoughts.
I don’t think I’ve got a good instinct for when to stop the chase and I think I tend to overdo it, if not only to avoid that annoying feeling of “I might have… “.
This is even truer in bar environments where flirtation signals are much more pronounced, but that’s another topic.
I sometimes feel the girl likes me, smiles, enjoys my presence… but then again, I guess many girls do that just because they like being wooed.
So, what are the cues, and how do you decide when to call off the search and abandon her to her boring life without you?
Example (options for the reader):
I was having this good conversation, her tram was about to come and I said to exchange contacts. Bad idea because it feels like a desperate attempt, but how could I know her tram was about to come? She said no, but I boarded the tram and kept talking. I didn’t have a ticket so I was a bit edgy and said I had to go off at the next stop. Again asked for the contact only to be refused once again to which I wished good day and left.
Would you have boarded, would you have stayed longer in the tram?
7. hug or not at the end?
I hug quite often, and to some girls that’s a big awkward as they close up.
Especially Vietnamese girls, I've noticed . When that happens, I feel I've overdone it.
When I get a nice hug back with a good "palm on the back", I feel it was helpful.
8. Can you be overconfindent?
My feeling is that yes, you can.
Being perceived as confident might be a question of “confidence remainder (between your and her confidence)”.
So for example if you go out like a 10, saying “I wanna see you again” with a bit of a domineering inflection as you won’t take no for an answer and you’ve got a shy girl in front of you… You’re gonna scare her! She will righteously feel attacked and want to get out of that situation. In that case, tune down a bit your manhood boy.
on the other hand, if you’ve got a powerful woman who’s the brightest director at Lockheed Martin (just picked this company as the business sounds more bad ass ), ain’t got not time and feels like she owns the world… then if you go in with the confidence of a 7, you might still have a deficit of 3.
Also the situation has a weight in these cases.
In that sense, I try to be “friendlier”, a bit less direct and more smiley with younger girls I feel are shier.
And if I see a girl at the night bus station, then I say hi first from afar, with my hands in my pocket or behind my back etc. etc. and then… Take it from there depending on the reaction.