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Thread: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

  1. #1
    Doctodd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    I'll paint the picture first....I'm 43 y/o doctor.....she's 35 y/o HB9 Colombian nurse....she is strongly religious, stubborn, type A(like me). We have a 20 month old son...my only child, her second. Other son is 14 y/o going on 9 because of mother's dominant personality. She never had a father figure so she thinks she is it.

    Filed for divorce last year June cuz she has anger issues and i dont play that....and just not able to live with each other. Had nasty custody battle that shouldn't have been....her beliefs are baby should be with mother 90% of the time until older. Judge disagreed....I won 50/50 in December. I was pissed off and beta until couple months ago....everything i did she probably thought was me trying to manipulate her....I lashed out to her and her family....and I made plenty of beta anger mistakes cuz she tried to keep my son away from me, but i finally figured it out and went NC. Have been no contact past 2-3 months during end of divorce. Mediation just this week and I manned up and took care of her financially and pretty much gave her what she/her attorneys wanted...even paid her side of mediation before I left, which I didn't have to and she didn't expect. She said "thx u god bless". This whole time during divorce we have only communicated via text or email about the baby....during divorce little comm and even child exchanges are with her mom and she stays in the car....has trouble looking at me. Only yesterday did she allow me to pick him up at her house....but after she left. So the dust is settling but it's still difficult for her to see me.

    Yesterday she texts baby has a cold and is running late cuz it's my weekend with him....I say I'll take him to pediatrician and take care of it.....I also say "go do your thing....have a great time this weekend...you deserve it" meaning her divorce party or whatever.

    She seems to be letting her guard down....how do I proceed....I still love her.....think it's mutual.... I have not come out and just say it directly. I remember her once saying we could have a relationship after divorce. I'm doing dhv and still NC unless she initiates, which is always about our young son. I'm thinking about short text initiation saying things like "I'm here for you" or stuff to show I care and support her. Id love to just come out and say "i stilll love you" so it's clear....but thats probably wrong. Wondering about a single rose. Don't want to dlv and don't want her to think I'm trying to manipulate her feelings. Like I said, all/most my beta was cuz she tried to take my son away from me.

  2. #2
    lilsting's Avatar
    lilsting is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    This is not my territory by any means so I really don't want to lead you astray. So please take this with a grain of salt:

    Pride is one of the biggest killers of any relationship. For the remainder of your interactions with her willingly suck up your pride. Before roses and nice statements and such, try to find a time when you're both freeand take her out. It should be some place quiet and casual. Invite her out under the context that there are things you need to discuss with her. When you meet up with her just be 100% truthful. Apologize for your actions while being sweet at the same time. Such as you lost her and you couldn't afford to lose your son too blah blah blah. Refrain from telling you love her just yet. You really want the interaction to show that you're a man who owns up to his mistakes and is willing to work past them. It also shows you're guy trying to better himself. You could even write a note to her family or something along those apologizing too.

    This is my perception of what should happen. Again I have nothing really backing up anything I said, but to me this seems like sort of a natural progression.

    Step 1- make amends with your ex and her family. Once this is set into motion we'll start working out step 2. Keep being the great guy/father that you are.

    Edit: My reasoning for you meeting with her in person would be so you could start reworking attraction into the equation (eye contact, body language, and some Kino like a hug at the end). If you can't get her out, your house or her house will do. If that doesn't suffice then and only then settle for the phone call.

  3. #3
    dave_xxx's Avatar
    dave_xxx is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    Before I can give you an opinion I have to ask you if you want her back?

    From your write up you have have done a few beta things since your separation. Such as paying for her half of the mediation costs.

    Don't text her "I am here for you". That is a beta thing to say.

  4. #4
    Doctodd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    Let me clarify lashing out...it was more along the lines of wanting to clear my name with her family regarding false domestic violence, and not being able to see my son for a few months during the proceedings. It was with a Facebook post, which I took down in 4 hours, but I'm sure some people saw it. I already did apologize saying I could have handled things better. No "I'm sorry" beta stuff. I just manned up.

    Regarding beta.....I'm not going to do roses or any gifts. I covet my wife/ex wife and I really do want the best for her. And i do want her to want me back, and I want another shot at making it work. But I won't go thru divorce lawyers again so I won't get married on paper again. Paying for mediation($1500 each) was pennies compared to giving in easily at our 2nd mediation($90k and a lot of time back and forth in court)....you are right about the meeting in person sometime eventually. A phone call is a cop out. Manning up in person at the right time is awesome and the obvious right thing to do as alpha. The only comm will be short texts saying our son is ok from his cold today.

    We both dressed up for that mediation and she looked great....she's probably gaming me a little too trying to show how well she is doing by losing 20lbs taking up jogging and being nicely tanned. I will be working on my "peacoocking" during child exchanges until the time comes, and of course being super-dad.

  5. #5
    Doctodd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    Really appreciate the objective advice.....I texted "baby doing better"......she immediately replied.

  6. #6
    Doctodd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    During the entire divorce we were mostly communicating by the court appointed email service....only occasionally by text. Last couple of days I have rewarded her for texting and not responded to court email. She is communicating by text now.

    During child exchange yesterday I went up to her car window to give her our son's antibiotics....this is the closest direct contact we have had in a year. She rolled down the window and didnt look at my face and i could tell it was awkward for her. Initially I thought I pushed it instead of giving her space, but she texted me a few times during the day about our son.

    Im all ears on ideas about how to progress with this woman who I just got divorced from and is still probably not trusting of me.

  7. #7
    Doctodd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    I guess since not many replies that u guys are younger and this isn't something you guys hear about often.

    So update.....things are moving quickly i think. As i said we havent talked in person for about a year due to custody battle, divorce, and court mandated email. Our relationship before was that I always initiated things.....she has strong religious beliefs but is still type A personality and old school when it comes to what the man should do.

    Been doing some text game with her replying right away and much more warm than I expected. So I've become more forward with flirting by text and I have not been rejected. Ive weaned her off the court email. She asked me to pick up the baby at her home cuz she had to go to work. At her home is the key.

    I'm sure she still has trust issues because her personality is that she is righteous and very proud. So how do I regain her trust besides baby steps? Will attempt a quick meet for coffee or something before being more aggressive, or might invite her to church for father's day with our baby son.

  8. #8
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    woah ur outta line man.
    first you guys seem to have sexual communication going on.which is good.

    for now she is still an ex wife and you ended things so it would be detriment if you do any of the following
    tell her how bad you want her.do not crack now just run game you should be fine.see it as you are given her indicators of interest and she is reciprocating in some way just escalate you will be fine.

    you have abandoned this woman after some time of marriage you left her.this is what you must rewind.this is the most crucial part.you must communicate without coming off too strong.

    you must show her you still love her in a way that doesn't come off too needy at the same time reminds her of the pain you probably caused.the way you do this will determine whether she will feel those feelings of resentment and hurt in that moment.don't feel bad if you will it what you must not do.

    for now she is attracted to you she even allowed herself to be present with you.invite her for the service frame it as the three of you in that situation.

    As soon as you come into contact with her begin running Kino.lead them around the whole time.don't be afraid to open doors and also touch her lightly if she laughs at your jokes etc.example of ways to touch her are hands on the lower back holding her hands if you must cross roads.taking the baby and then opening door for her then putting baby in the back.this in itself shoots the line where she felt you abandoned her a bit.

    in a nutshell you must keep runing game and use kino in of itself to show you are being there for her on some level whilst escalating. you shouldn't have a problem going for the kiss close.remember slow things down, no rush

  9. #9
    Doctodd is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    Thx Hardrock....I don't see where I said there was sexual communication but ok.....there are some gaps in my story....it's probably not possible or even necessary to fill in every little thing. Let's just say she doesn't trust me and I need to regain that trust. I need to show her that i am the man she wants. We aren't even divorced yet cuz the court hasn't filed it...but it will happen. It's just a paper anyway and a guarantee that she gets child support and a settlement and her attorney fees paid for...all by me. No problem.....it's my responsibility.

    I've seen plenty of examples where I wasn't the man. Plus the circumstances of no contact and no verbal communication over the past year make everything harder. These past few days I was just texting. Today I grew some balls and just called her to make small talk and talk about the baby. We havent spoken in person in about a year. She answered......asked right away if the baby was ok....after some small talk about how we should TALK instead of text and some other things about the baby, she agreed to a meet and early exchange tomorrow. Tomorrow I have a 30 second elevator pitch to get a positive message across.

    If anything this will be a good documentation of how to reconcile a much more serious relationship(exwife with a young son) with an older woman(30's).

  10. #10
    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How to alpha communicate with new exwife.

    sexual communication but ok
    The way you are focused on her and the son.the way she was dressed and how you said she can't look at your face.(trust me even if they are hurt they should be able to look at your face unless they were being rude)when a woman withholds something of yours in this case your son from you then maybe she is still on a subtle level trying to hold on to you.if its your shirt you should know.one who doesn't care after a few bouts will leave your child for you.why am i saying this?you don't seem confident of the IOIs which is normal because of what you done but you must realize you are in a position to do this.

    I've seen plenty of examples where I wasn't the man. Plus the circumstances of no contact and no verbal communication over the past year make everything harder.
    if you make that a problem it will be her problem too.for now focus on being the attractive guy in her life.which from what am inferring you are on some level already doing.

    after some small talk about how we should TALK instead of text and some other things about the baby, she agreed to a meet and early exchange tomorrow. Tomorrow I have a 30 second elevator pitch to get a positive message across.
    begin touching her early on.go for the kiss there.it should be easy if you have been running Kino and your head is close to hers.no matter what don't crack as in go AFC and tell her you...if you get the kiss be the first to pull away.hold her hand slightly and let go.this should set precedence for future escalation.
    be present and enjoy kissing her.let her feel that.


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