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Thread: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

  1. #1
    Bballking is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    Hey guys, so for a while now I've been one of those guys who sits up in his room reading books and blog posts online hoping to gain enough information that I'll magically just understand it all and be able to go out and pick up any girl I wanted at any time. However, that seems to be far from the actual case.

    I've done alright so far with warm approaches i.e. being introduced, or joining conversation at a party, but I'm actually yet to do one cold approach (sober at least). The warm approaches have worked out pretty solid for me so far, if I have a lead I'm pretty while along my way to sealing the deal. But whenever I go for a cold approach I'm hit instantaneously with aa. So much so that my heart will actually hurt from pounding out of my chest, it's ridiculous!

    Whenever I walk up to, past, or face a girl that makes eye contact with me, I clam up. Even when girls have opened me, the first thing I'm trying to do is eject because I'm insanely over run with fear. What kind of fear I'm not really sure, but it's completely debilitating. I know the idea is to just go out and do it but I'm seriously stuck here. Each time I try, I'm slammed with this feeling and I can't even think; not even sure I'd be able to get a word out.

    Basically, I'm hoping for just a little bit more of an easier segway here. I've actually attended some toastmasters meetings to help with public speaking (yet to give a speech) and that has actually made quite a difference in group dynamics but when a good looking girl looks at me, I'm stone. Any ideas on how to make this transition a little easier? Some smaller steps I could take to eliminate this unbelievably intense feeling?

  2. #2
    Autismus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    Read this he's got the right idea

    Also do these all in one night:

    These first two I learned from Closer

    1) Show up early.
    If you get to the bar/club at 11:30 then everyone in the room is already at high energy and you're still trying to warm up/calibrate to the environment = not good. Instead if you arrive at 9 or 9:30 then you and a wing (or just sit and watch the band/talk to the bar tender while it's slow) you just sit down and start off chill while the venue is chill. Then as the energy level rises slowly, your energy level rises with it - this is how you get into state and find it easy to be social and talkative.

    2) Gradually advance - do the "fly by" approach.
    Don't think that you have to commit to a full f-close attempt whenever you see a target. Just walk from the bar to the bathroom, and in transit, without breaking stride look at everyone's eyes as you pass within two meters (6 feet) of them and say "Hi" .... and just keep walking. When you walk by again say "Hi, how's it going." and don't every break stride. Then do another lap around the room and say "Hi, how's it going, I like your necklace, no homo" chuckle and leave. Eventually you can turn the act of just keep walking into a body rock and just keep the conversation going about how it's hard to compliment an attractive piece of jewelry without seeming either gay or like a creeper
    Her: "Well you don't seem like either"
    PUA: "Aww, you're so na´ve, I'm actually a gay creeper."(only use that joke if she looks intelligent)

    3) Approach the people who look bored.
    If you see a bored chick (she'll be glancing around as if she doesn't want to be there) then walk up to her and tell her she looks bored, then smile and say "I have a sixth sense for it, you see, I'm very boring" She'll open up because she is there to have a good time and you are saving her from that moment of boredom.
    DTF HB's omw 2 LTR

  3. #3
    Bballking is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    Quote Originally Posted by Autismus View Post
    Read this he's got the right idea

    Also do these all in one night:

    These first two I learned from Closer

    1) Show up early.
    If you get to the bar/club at 11:30 then everyone in the room is already at high energy and you're still trying to warm up/calibrate to the environment = not good. Instead if you arrive at 9 or 9:30 then you and a wing (or just sit and watch the band/talk to the bar tender while it's slow) you just sit down and start off chill while the venue is chill. Then as the energy level rises slowly, your energy level rises with it - this is how you get into state and find it easy to be social and talkative.

    2) Gradually advance - do the "fly by" approach.
    Don't think that you have to commit to a full f-close attempt whenever you see a target. Just walk from the bar to the bathroom, and in transit, without breaking stride look at everyone's eyes as you pass within two meters (6 feet) of them and say "Hi" .... and just keep walking. When you walk by again say "Hi, how's it going." and don't every break stride. Then do another lap around the room and say "Hi, how's it going, I like your necklace, no homo" chuckle and leave. Eventually you can turn the act of just keep walking into a body rock and just keep the conversation going about how it's hard to compliment an attractive piece of jewelry without seeming either gay or like a creeper
    Her: "Well you don't seem like either"
    PUA: "Aww, you're so na´ve, I'm actually a gay creeper."(only use that joke if she looks intelligent)

    3) Approach the people who look bored.
    If you see a bored chick (she'll be glancing around as if she doesn't want to be there) then walk up to her and tell her she looks bored, then smile and say "I have a sixth sense for it, you see, I'm very boring" She'll open up because she is there to have a good time and you are saving her from that moment of boredom.
    This is quite helpful, thank you. It takes the pressure off of trying to N-close or F-close every approach. Which is really what I think is fully holding me back, if I'm not closing out right, then I'm not making any progress.

  4. #4
    Slybootsucci is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bballking View Post
    This is quite helpful, thank you. It takes the pressure off of trying to N-close or F-close every approach. Which is really what I think is fully holding me back, if I'm not closing out right, then I'm not making any progress.
    That's DEFINITELY helpful. Another thing to note is maybe just start to learn to make friends with EVERYONE.

    Just learn to love everything about the moment and chat up anyone who happens to be near you, even if it's some macho guy at the barseat as you grab a drink for you and your wing. Just be friendly, amiable, approachable, and that makes approaching other people that much easier. Once you're used to casually just joking with ANYBODY (male or female) then it won't seem so awkward to comment on a particular female's situation or appearance or whatever.

  5. #5
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    Thumbs up Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    Autismus has good advice.

    Toastmasters is a good start, however it's more geared towards public speaking, and what you want is to reduce aa: anxiety about one-on-one interactions or smaller groups. Still, getting better with people in one way or another can never hurt. If your Toastmasters has a social hour before or after, all the better.

    Here's some techniques to deal with AA:

    1.) "Fish in the sea." There's always more. I don't care how amazing this HB10 is in front of you, she's still just a girl, and after she steps away there's still 3.5 billion more females on the planet. Even super conservative estimates would put the number of HB10s in the many millions. That's good odds. Don't just keep approaching, know that you're going to keep approaching, even after this girl in front of you is gone. Anything can happen. It may be that ten seconds after you walk away from this HB9 in front of you, an HB10 walks in the door. When that happens, who cares about the HB9 anymore?


    3.) "Visualize and recalibrate." Or try this, picture in your mind the hottest movie star or whatever you can think of, the dream girl beyond dream girls, the kind that on a scale of 1 to 10 is a f'ing HB100, the kind you'd stab a homeless guy just to have a shot at. Now look at the HB in front of you in the club that you are about to approach. She's not really all that fly after all, compared to the dream girl, is she? By comparison to the dream girl, this one in front of you is waaay more approachable, isn't she?

    2.) "Treat the lady like a whore..." We all know to Neg the pretty ones. To do that, you gotta find things to Neg about them. This is great for rapport, but finding things about her to Neg also humanizes her to you. Instead of putting her on a pedestal from the outset, start before you even approach of getting into the mindset of what is Neg-worthy about her. Once she's in your bedroom dropping her clothes, you can see whats HB about her, but before that, she's got to be just another person in your mind. Practice finding Negs while walking over to her to approach. You've heard some PUAs say treat her like your little sister? Yeah, well think of her that way, too!

    "...and treat the whore like a lady." While you're at it, don't just approach HBs. Approach the unattractive girls or the ones you just aren't into, too. If you're not the only one not attracted to them, then they'll be starved for attention. These women usually are much easier to approach, both because they welcome the attention, but also because the pressure is off for you since you aren't interested in actually getting their number. Work your way up to the top. Just remember, since they're not used to attention and possibly feeling self-concious, don't Neg much or at all. One bonus effect is that if you've come into the club looking good, with your wingman or entourage, and have established some value, when the HBs see you with any woman, even the unattractive ones, it's just more dhv for you. They'll be wondering "why is he talking to her?? what's that girl got that I haven't?".

    4.) "Be a good wingman." The best way to approach without pressure is to take the pressure off. Have a night with the wingman where your sole focus is to get him a chick. When your distracted with the task of being a good wingman, and when you have no intention of taking home this HB in front of you, it becomes a lot like just talking to a random person. You'll meet a lot more women and talk to them freely without the pressure, and that is good practice. Plus, you'll DHV by being the guy who takes good care of his buddies. Yeah, it sucks watching the wing take home all the girls while you don't, but you did a good deed, and now he owes you big time, so when you are ready to go get some, it'll be his job to make damn sure you do. Or switch it up: first half the night you are wing, second half he is wing for you. Just make sure you work it out with your wingman in advance so nobody is stepping on each other's "toes", it's not a competition.

    5.) "Practice makes perfect." Have as many female friends as you can stand. Any targets that don't turn into successful pick ups, turn them into friends and/or wingwomen. Having lots of female friends is good practice against AA, and it's also a good DHV. Hell, I've even had female friends that actually did the picking up for me! That's not good for practice, but it sure is a useful boost of confidence. Getting comfortable around women, even as friends, makes approaching new women easier. Plus, if you're approaching a girl expecting to only be friends, you won't have AA, and yet you can always turn it around later and pick her if things are going well.

    6.) "Everything is an opportunity." Along the lines of practice, just get in the habit of approaching anyone, anywhere. Don't just practice at the club. Do it on the bus, at the bookstore, while getting groceries. I once picked up a girl while sifting through trash! (I was looking for furniture for a friend, and yes, I did go back and shower before going to her place that night ) Don't even worry about getting the number, don't even worry about whether she's an HB9 or an HB5, just practice the approach. If she's not your type and you still get her number, you can always just delete it (or see #5 above). Talk to as many people as you can in as many diverse locations as you can. One thing I learned from the experience above: if I can pick up a girl in the middle of the night on my street knee deep in garbage, I can do it anytime, anyplace. (It also taught me that if the switches are turned on in a girls head and she is attracted to you, nothing can stop her from having you, not even smelly ass garbage. Keep focused on flipping those switches.) Where's the worst place you even tried to approach? How bad did it go? Did you end up in a Cambodian prison? It probably wasn't that bad, so you're probably better at it than you think. If not, keep looking for that worst case approach, because when you find it, you can always look back on it and say "yeah, this is nothing compared to that time, I can do this, piece of cake." Plus, girls respond to the confidence that comes along with approaching in places most other guys wouldn't.

    7.) "Somebody else's problem." You ever see some HB ...and then see the BF show up, and think "man, he's lucky"? He's not. Why? Someone once said "Because he may have her, but he also has to deal with her bitchy shit on a daily basis." So do not fear rejection, just look at rejection as her doing you a favor and saving you from all that trouble, then just smile about it and move on to the next approach. Believe me, someday you'll look back and realize approach was the least of your worries. So why worry about it now? Once again, she's not a goddess, that's just in your mind. If you think about all the reasons not to want to get her number, it will dispel that myth, and you won't have any problem going up to and talking to her as an acquaintance.

    8.) "Do her a favor." On the topic of doing favors, do her a favor. You've been working on yourself, right? As part of a holistic approach to being a PUA, right? You smell good, you're fashionable, you have friends, right? As a PUA, you say all the right things at the right time to really make her swoon. Why wouldn't she want you to pick her up?? Whether they do it consciously or subconsciously, girls do go to the club to get picked up. If you are the committed PUA, the self-made man, you are what she is looking for (again, consciously, or subconsciously for many women). She wants you to come over and talk to her. So do it. You've learned everything you can on here, right? So are you really going to let a little thing like approach get in the way of giving her what she wants? (And incidentally, what you want, too). So if this HB is really all that to you, be kind to her. Give her a chance to get to know you, to enjoy the seduction. By approaching, you are doing her a favor. So if AA is really getting to you, and doing it for yourself isn't enough, then do it for her.

    9.) "Have fun." Just have fun with it. Enjoy the approach. You have Approach Anxiety because you're thinking too much about what comes next. Most of these techniques are designed to get you to shift your focus from that thinking. But all you really need to do is to do what you fear: approach. Just do it. Find whatever it takes to enjoy approaching, make it fun. Make a game of it, see how many approaches you can do in an hour and then beat that record. Or see what's the most exotic name you can collect over the evening. Or do an informal survey, try to get a question in your mind answered, see how many people actually know some weird fact about elvis or whatever. Ask advice for your friend who just went through a break up, girls are always willing to render an opinion on relationships, and their response will usually tell you a lot about them. Just get out and talk to people. Do it until it becomes second nature. If you are good at talking to most people, but the HBs get you all clammy, then just pretend in your mind they're a man, or your little sister. ( It's like the old saying of pretending the audience is in their underwear, which believe me, does not work for talking to HBs! ) Whatever you do, just find some way to take the pressure off, practice, and most importantly enjoy the act of approaching. You'll always do ten times better at a task you enjoy doing than one you don't.

  6. #6
    rs5096's Avatar
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    Hey bballking,

    Agree with what the guys have written here except for treating her like a whore. That's just plain bad advice. There is a place for negging...but if you can't even approach yet don't even bother about learning how to dhv.

    aa can be paralysing. One of the major causes of AA is that guys don't know what to say once they've made the approach.

    To get over AA you do need to force it initially. However to be more comfortable, prepare a few things that you are going to talk about once you approach and have her hooked. That is before you go out have a few things you're passionate and can talk about WITH passion in mind. Prep a little here.

    Once the approach is made, don't talk about these things yet. you need to get to the hook point. That is where the girl is contributing to the conversation. then you can transition between things that interest her and things that interest you and connect the emotions between the 2.

    So approach and get the girl used to talking to you.

    An example, approach then say "Hey, howzit going." Wait for a response. Make an observation about wherever you are. For example if there is cool music comment on it, something like, "this song is so cool. I play it all the time. It really gets you going." Listen to her response.

    then make an observation about her. Not about her looks but about something she may be wearing e.g. a necklace. Say, " that's a really interesting necklace. It reminds me of ones I saw in Mexico [or wherever else you've traveled]." Listen to her response. She should be a little warmer now. build on the little things she says. E.g. if she says, " oh you were in Mexico" you can say, "yeah it was awesome. such a beautiful place and the people are awesome. The jewellery there is very similar to that necklace. Have you been?" This should lead to a pretty good conversation. as it develops you can start talking about your passions and hers. See how that works.

    rs5096

  7. #7
    Magnum is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    Agree with what the guys have written here
    Thank you.

    except for treating her like a whore. That's just plain bad advice.
    It's an expression! I do not advocate soliciting a girl for prostitution in your opener. I do think (hope?) that Bballking, and anyone else reading this, has the good sense not to walk up to a random girl at the club, pull out a franklin and ask her for sex. :P That phrase has not been used literally since at least the 1800s! (Though it worked pretty well in the Baroque period, ask Mozart! That dirty motherf'er was a PUA long before the masters we usually think of :P )

    The point of that expression was to lead off a paragraph about negs and why they don't just adjust the external perceptions of higher value, but they can also help aa by adjusting his internal perceptions of value. He clearly over values any HB he is around, and simultaneously undervalues himself. Some techniques I mentioned build up your own internal value, whereas thinking about negs plays down his internal value of HER, making her less intimidating. If she is less intimidating, AA will go down.


    There is a place for negging...but if you can't even approach yet don't even bother about learning how to dhv.
    I agree with rs5096 that working on AA is no time to be bothering with advanced game, it's too much to manage all at once.

    That being said, learning a little about and mentally praticing some negging can help BBallking's perception of a HB being too intimidating to approach. When you can think of negs about her, you aren't thinking about how hot she is and how you might f*ck it all up. He doesn't even have to say the negs, just mentally think of them. And when he does get over AA, he'll already be in the mindset to start working on negs.

    Likewise, DHV is a broad category, and while there is some seriously advanced stuff, simple DHV starts long before you ever make an approach, indeed long before you even leave the house to head to the club! Showering, getting dressed damn fine, and smelling good, these are simple attentions to detail that DHV, and you can start with them easily. It's inner game as much as it is outer game, which is why it helps with AA. They build confidence, which is a big part of busting through AA. Likewise, some of the usual non-verbal DHV at the club, like bringing a wingman or posse, also build confidence. Additionally, many of the things you can do to break AA have bonus value, such as focusing on helping out a wingman. Kill two birds with one stone when you can.

    The gist that maybe got lost in translation is this: I'm not advocating learning advanced technique when you need to be working on the basics like AA. Still, there are some things you can do to get over AA that serve the dual purpose of mentally preparing you for the things you will be doing once you have conquered AA. (And really, do we ever totally conquer AA? It's an ongoing battle, get lazy or have a bad day or be out of the game and it slowly starts to creep back. Be ever vigilant, my friends.)

    Inner game is critical, especially with AA, and inner game is won by confidence and mindset. If you make your mindset all about conquering AA, then you're still THINKING about AA. If you make your mindset about all the simple things that start to make a PUA, then your mindset is on being a PUA, not on AA, and with practice the AA will be gone AND you'll be a better PUA overall. Remember from NLP, the mind drops negations, so always phrase your goals in the positive tense. If you say "don't think of pink elephants", it's always the first thing that pops into your mind. If you say "work on AA", what do you think he's going to be thinking about? If you say "help your wingman" he's going to be thinking and doing that, and AA will be the last thing on his mind.

    AA can be paralysing. One of the major causes of AA is that guys don't know what to say once they've made the approach.
    rs5096 brings up a good point. It helps to self-analyze, determine your strengths, weaknesses, and the cause of your AA. Not knowing what to say is a common cause, is it yours?

    To get over AA you do need to force it initially. However to be more comfortable, prepare a few things that you are going to talk about once you approach and have her hooked. That is before you go out have a few things you're passionate and can talk about WITH passion in mind. Prep a little here.
    Agreed. "Fake it til you make it." Formless cannot exist without forms.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    BTW, Autismus:

    Gay creeper? F*ckin' HILARIOUS!

    -thumbs up-

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    So here's the reason (in my humble opinion) as to why you have aa:

    You have an immense fear of looking like a fool. You think she will laugh at you, curse you out, or walk away. You also fear that you will fail. You think that there's no way you have enough game to close this girl.

    I felt this way as well when I first started PUA. I blew a lot of sets, got nervous, and spent many nights FAPing and frustrated. That's when I got pissed and started practicing my conversational skills and memorizing openers. It took about 2-3 months of hard work.

    I then started approaching girls with the goal of simply engaging her in entertaining conversation rather than trying to "close" her desperately. This worked beautifully and made the game enjoyable. It also put the ball in my hands. I felt powerful in being able to start, carry, and control an interesting conversation. I bet 9/10 guys can't really do that!

    I still feel AA sometimes (mostly with HB9's and 10's). But, that wall is A LOT lower in my mind. I'm usually able to just tell myself to have fun with it and if the girl doesn't like me, it's HER loss.

    Hope this helped and good luck.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Struggling emmensely with AA, what to do!?

    A friend of mine gave me a tip that really helped me. He said that you should just go over and say hi, and see what happens. Thats all you have to do. Away goes the pressure!

    Sometimes it goes good and sometimes it goes bad. But either way you get lots of reference points!


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