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  1. #1
    bluearrowil Guest

    Default Can't figure her out! Need help getting control

    I'll try to summarize this as fast as possible. While you may categorize this as oneitis, I am actively seeing other people. However, I want to know how to figure this out. Thanks in advance.

    This girl, who I will name (fictionally) Jane, and I met earlier this year. We hit it off and began dating. However, issues with my exgirlfriend came up and Jane distanced herself. So she cut me out and stopped talking to me. This kept repeating, she would cut me out, then she would start talking to me again and get close, just to cut me out again (I'm assuming because she was scared of opening up to me and getting close).

    It's been a few months since we last saw each other, but this past weekend Jane flew down to visit her friends at my college, and the first night here, we partied together and she stayed behind after everyone else left. When we got to my room and laid in my bed, I went to kiss her, she pulled away, saying that she was scared that if we did hook up, there would be repercussions within her social circle. After an hour of talking and me pulling away, she took me and kissed me.

    Before I f-closed, I hit LMR. Jane said she didn't want to "cross the point of no return", saying that it would be weird to have casual sex with someone she was so close to. I ran all the appropriate LMR material, but it didn't work. She upped and left, and denied me a kiss and hug goodbye.

    The night after, she ended up at a party I was at and we really didn't talk to each other, it was a bit awkward. Later that night, I asked her to come over so we could talk and even though she said she was coming in a bit, she flaked out. So I sent this very long text message (big mistake) that pretty much conveyed how I felt we would have made a great couple had the circumstances been different (she told her friend the night she came that the only guy she would want a relationship with is me), but it wouldn't work out because we live so far away from each other. I also told her that I knew she was scared to open up and get close to me because she didn't want to get hurt. I'm having such a hard time reading her that she could have either took that as me revealing my feelings for her, or me ending things with her.

    To my surprise, she didn't respond. Yesterday, she completely avoided me and gave me a small hug goodbye when she left. Later, after I texted her to have a safe trip, she txted me a very casual "thanks, good seeing you".

    I'm flying home in two weeks for thanksgiving. How should I go about seeing her? My thoughts is that I call her this week and talk things out or wait till I get home and ask her out. How do I regain control of my interaction with Jane? What are your guys thoughts? My goal is to get her to open up to me so she'll stop going back and forth with me and to finally close, possibly open her up for a relationship.

    Thanks everyone

  2. #2
    lez999 Guest

    Default

    she's got you stringing along like there's no tomorrow. You have no control over the situation. SHE is dictating when and if you hook up and when you do how far you go. You have totally submitted to her control. You need to regain that back. When you see her you need to act like any she is any other girl. Fuck around with her like if she wants to see you say meh, ok, if you want. Play as hard to get as possible. That's at least my advice although I'm a newbie.

  3. #3
    Mystery_wannabe Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bluearrowil View Post
    I'll try to summarize this as fast as possible. While you may categorize this as oneitis, I am actively seeing other people. However, I want to know how to figure this out. Thanks in advance.

    This girl, who I will name (fictionally) Jane, and I met earlier this year. We hit it off and began dating. However, issues with my exgirlfriend came up and Jane distanced herself. So she cut me out and stopped talking to me. This kept repeating, she would cut me out, then she would start talking to me again and get close, just to cut me out again (I'm assuming because she was scared of opening up to me and getting close).

    It's been a few months since we last saw each other, but this past weekend Jane flew down to visit her friends at my college, and the first night here, we partied together and she stayed behind after everyone else left. When we got to my room and laid in my bed, I went to kiss her, she pulled away, saying that she was scared that if we did hook up, there would be repercussions within her social circle. After an hour of talking and me pulling away, she took me and kissed me.

    Before I f-closed, I hit LMR. Jane said she didn't want to "cross the point of no return", saying that it would be weird to have casual sex with someone she was so close to. I ran all the appropriate LMR material, but it didn't work. She upped and left, and denied me a kiss and hug goodbye.

    The night after, she ended up at a party I was at and we really didn't talk to each other, it was a bit awkward. Later that night, I asked her to come over so we could talk and even though she said she was coming in a bit, she flaked out. So I sent this very long text message (big mistake) that pretty much conveyed how I felt we would have made a great couple had the circumstances been different (she told her friend the night she came that the only guy she would want a relationship with is me), but it wouldn't work out because we live so far away from each other. I also told her that I knew she was scared to open up and get close to me because she didn't want to get hurt. I'm having such a hard time reading her that she could have either took that as me revealing my feelings for her, or me ending things with her.

    To my surprise, she didn't respond. Yesterday, she completely avoided me and gave me a small hug goodbye when she left. Later, after I texted her to have a safe trip, she txted me a very casual "thanks, good seeing you".

    I'm flying home in two weeks for thanksgiving. How should I go about seeing her? My thoughts is that I call her this week and talk things out or wait till I get home and ask her out. How do I regain control of my interaction with Jane? What are your guys thoughts? My goal is to get her to open up to me so she'll stop going back and forth with me and to finally close, possibly open her up for a relationship.

    Thanks everyone
    I think the best for you would be to let it cool off. Don't text, don't call until you get back. When you do text her with "I'm back. Let's go for a drink." Chances are she'll be curious to see what you've got to say. Try to keep the text brief and simple and arrange some sort of gathering with her. By now, I assume you have things with your ex straightened out then you want to indirectly convey to her that things with your ex are a completely done deal and that you two are free to spring off into lala land.

    Good luck

  4. #4
    bluearrowil Guest

    Default

    lez999: thanks man, i'll def take that into account next time.

    Mystery_wannabe: She's 20, so would an appropriate venue be like going for froyo or smoothies? And how would I act during the interaction, like lez said? And then how would I regain control and move to Isolation? Btw, hillarious username =p

  5. #5
    Mystery_wannabe Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bluearrowil View Post
    lez999: thanks man, i'll def take that into account next time.

    Mystery_wannabe: She's 20, so would an appropriate venue be like going for froyo or smoothies? And how would I act during the interaction, like lez said? And then how would I regain control and move to Isolation? Btw, hillarious username =p
    Hah! I totally fell in love with Mystery when I saw how he pulled the moves. He inspired me and gave me hope that I can also game good, hence the name.

    To answer your question, the answer is "totally"! I'm 21 and I'm trying to game a girl that's probably in her mind 20s and we go out for drinks (non-alcohol) and we're still cool. You don't necessarily need to go to a bar to game her. Heck, you can even just go to Starbucks and grab a hot espresso. The idea is to create an environment where you two are just focused into each other and have a nice chat going on. You can bring a deck of cards to play with her after if things start to dip a little. Since you're going on a date, you might want to think of a second venue you can take her to so that the environment changes and things aren't so static. By doing this, you will demonstrate that you can game her even when the environment changes which is a plus for you.

    A few things you have to remember is first you have to rebuild attraction. So when you meet up with her you have to show her that you're alpha. This can be done through story telling. Tell her something positive about yourself. Show her why your world is such a great place to be in. Try to find out through talking things that she likes and relate that to yourself. This will then build rapport and so she will be more comfortable around you.
    Last edited by Mystery_wannabe; 11-09-2009 at 07:54 PM.

  6. #6
    gunsnglory is offline Official PUA Forums Moderator
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    I see about three different issues going on.

    First, she is in control, and you obviously weren't alpha enough. You let yourself be led. You let her dictate the situation because you were afraid of losing her. She would pull away, then instead of calling her on it, or faking a little disinterest you went after her. Obviously, the "We would have been great together" text was a horrible mistake, but don't feel too bad, we have all done it at some point.

    Second, this girl appears to have issues and some emotional baggage. This isn't your fault, but you might want to carefully consider if you really want to hook up with her. You will have to deal with this baggage if whether you want to or not, if you choose to push on.

    Third, the girl isn't flaking on you because she doesn't like you or anything like that. She gets close to you, then you don't seal the deal. This is caused by a combination of the first two points. This type of event is incredibly emotionally awkward for women. Women generally fear emotional awkwardness more than anything else. Therefore, she avoids you because she doesn't want to deal with that awkwardness.

    You definitely need to let this one cool. Leave it alone for awhile. Text her occasionally, and be friendly, but don't become her friend. Mention fun people and women that you are hanging out with, so that she subtly becomes aware that you are not hung up on her. After several months you might try again. When you do, assume familiarity, like you have never stopped hanging out with her, but this time, be much more alpha.

    You have two very, very bad things in your way. The above mentioned text, and the multiple almost closes. Those spell suicide when trying to land a particular woman. You may not be able to get this one back at all, but you definitely will have more luck if you leave it a lone for awhile.

  7. #7
    bluearrowil Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by gunsnglory View Post
    I see about three different issues going on.

    First, she is in control, and you obviously weren't alpha enough. You let yourself be led. You let her dictate the situation because you were afraid of losing her. She would pull away, then instead of calling her on it, or faking a little disinterest you went after her. Obviously, the "We would have been great together" text was a horrible mistake, but don't feel too bad, we have all done it at some point.

    Second, this girl appears to have issues and some emotional baggage. This isn't your fault, but you might want to carefully consider if you really want to hook up with her. You will have to deal with this baggage if whether you want to or not, if you choose to push on.

    Third, the girl isn't flaking on you because she doesn't like you or anything like that. She gets close to you, then you don't seal the deal. This is caused by a combination of the first two points. This type of event is incredibly emotionally awkward for women. Women generally fear emotional awkwardness more than anything else. Therefore, she avoids you because she doesn't want to deal with that awkwardness.

    You definitely need to let this one cool. Leave it alone for awhile. Text her occasionally, and be friendly, but don't become her friend. Mention fun people and women that you are hanging out with, so that she subtly becomes aware that you are not hung up on her. After several months you might try again. When you do, assume familiarity, like you have never stopped hanging out with her, but this time, be much more alpha.

    You have two very, very bad things in your way. The above mentioned text, and the multiple almost closes. Those spell suicide when trying to land a particular woman. You may not be able to get this one back at all, but you definitely will have more luck if you leave it a lone for awhile.
    After thanksgiving, I won't see her until the summer. So your recommending I wait until then? (which I have no problem doing).

    Also, when I go home for thanksgiving week, I'm giving a speech for a class at the college I transferred from and I will run into her since she still goes there and is in the class. Couldn't I use this opportunity to my advantage?

    Thanks gunsnglory, I appreciate your honesty and your insights.

  8. #8
    gunsnglory is offline Official PUA Forums Moderator
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    Default

    Frankly,

    I would wait until summer before attempting to hook up again. When you see her on thanksgiving. Be cordial but show absolutely no interest in her. Reject her every advance. If she comes out and asks you why you aren't interested, just say, that you have moved on, and you don't have time to pursue women that can't make up their minds. Be nice but firm. Don't let her wheedle you into a "just friends" lunch or anything. Don't avoid her, but don't do anything to reach out other than just a friendly "Hello".

    That will accomplish several things. First it will help you regain status as a alpha man who is selective. Second, if she really does like you, she will think long and hard about how she had many chances and didn't take them. Then, in the summer when you see her again, invite her to something casual, and start the relationship over. You will want to be friendly and open, but really qualify her. Don't give her too much attention too early. You want her to have to work, to earn you. If she is still interested at this point, you won't have any trouble closing her, except for your clothes getting in the way as she tries to tear them off.

  9. #9
    Mystery_wannabe Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by bluearrowil View Post
    After thanksgiving, I won't see her until the summer. So your recommending I wait until then? (which I have no problem doing).

    Also, when I go home for thanksgiving week, I'm giving a speech for a class at the college I transferred from and I will run into her since she still goes there and is in the class. Couldn't I use this opportunity to my advantage?

    Thanks gunsnglory, I appreciate your honesty and your insights.
    You can let it cool, but I wouldn't let it sit there for that long. Thanksgiving is a good opportunity. However, keep in mind that long-D relationships are hard to maintain as other guys could be gaming her while you're away. But hey, if you're up for the challenge go for it!

  10. #10
    bluearrowil Guest

    Default

    Thanks gunsnglory, I'll definitely take that into consideration

    Mystery_wannabe, how do you think I should act if I run into her at college? Can I use her reactions to see if she's open up for a meeting that week? How would you go about it?


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