We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.’ Aristotle
Most of us are awake and moving about the world during the day far more than at night. We shop, we work, we eat and we travel. For those of us who live in or near a populated area like a city, there are lots of opportunities to meet beautiful women in the daytime.
When I first arrived at university, I would go out at night with my friends to meet girls. Perhaps three or four times a week we would hit the club and spend hours approaching groups of women and hitting on them. Later, after finding the community and armed with new knowledge, I would increase this practice and often go alone to bars and clubs to meet new people and exercise my social muscle. I felt nervous at first but after a couple of approaches in an evening this feeling would fade. After that, it was as if my motor was running, I’d have a sense of flow, excitement and social lubrication. After those initial nervous conversations, I felt acclimatised to approaching strangers and could work on other aspects of my game beyond the opening.
Inevitably, the night would end, with all its various ups and downs. I’d go to sleep, wake up in the morning. Lo and behold, the next time I went out to the bar, that fear of approach was once again back to bother me.
Going out for a big session of ‘sarging’, as the community slang refers to it, is great for practicing core aspects of your game but something we are not practicing as intensely is overcoming that initial reluctance to approach, often referred to as ‘Approach Anxiety’. This is simply because after a couple of interactions, this feeling fades. After that initial warm-up period, we usually find the social motor is running, we’re having fun and opening without too much worry. It doesn’t last. Every time we go out, this feeling tends to crop up to be overcome once again.
It is generally accepted that this is just the way it must be. The oft-prescribed solution is to ‘burn’ through some warm-up sets to get in the right mood. But what if it was possible to greatly minimise that feeling of nervousness over time so that you could generate the momentum to approach at any time to wish without the need to ‘warm up’? What if there was a way to form a habit of approaching beautiful girls?
Picture the scene, you’re shopping for groceries, on public transport or walking down the street and you see a beautiful girl. You don’t have the advantage of the mental run-up from making a conscious decision to ‘go sarging’, you have no wingmen to spur you on, you can’t just burn through two or three sets to get on a roll and then approach the girl. You’re just going about your daily life and ‘bam!’, a hot girl appears! Do you approach? Can you approach?
Forming the Approach Habit.
Approach the first hot girl you see every day. It will change your life.’ – Sasha
Begin an interaction with a stranger, preferably a beautiful woman, everyday. This begins to form an approach habit – the daily habit of initiating conversation with someone from cold. Over time, this habit can become so ingrained that it will actually feel strange not to approach a hot girl. The energy that you previously experienced as fear and panic will morph into excitement, playfulness and enjoyment.
This will not only help you greatly minimise approach anxiety, but the daily routine will have you meeting more girls than ever before.
Training Your Eye
Forming the approach habit will also go a long way towards training your eye to become aware of the opportunities already present in your surroundings. If you know you need to approach at least one girl in your lunch break for instance, you get good at noticing the attractive girls all around you.
It is not unusual, a week or so into this, for people to say things along the lines of, ‘I never realised there were so many hot girls around here!’ Sometimes we can work and live in an area for years without realising the opportunities all around us.
Don’t Run the Perfect Set
Don’t worry about running the perfect set in every one of these interactions. At first, don’t even worry about continuing the conversation. If you are short on time, just make your daily interaction a quick one. Remember, we are forming the approach habit. For this purpose, it is more important at first to approach than to close. Don’t let the pressure of ‘what do I say next’ and ‘what if…’ questions dissuade you from taking action.
When you spot that girl, and you get that feeling of ‘I should/could/can/want to approach her’ – go talk to her. If it lasts ten seconds or ten minutes, it doesn’t matter – just approach. Form the approach habit.
‘Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.’ Mark Twain
It’s much like joining a gym. In the first flush of enthusiasm and novelty, the temptation is to go very frequently and stay for hours, working really hard. But continue down this road and it is very likely you’ll experience burn out. You lose your motivation and weeks go by before you darken the gym door again (if at all!). It is much more sensible (and healthy) to do shorter workouts and ration that drive for the long haul health benefits of regular exercise.
Consider this point when embarking on your mission to form the approach habit. One a day for a month is far better than ten in two days, burning out and flaking for the rest of the month.
Find Your Window
Look at your lifestyle, find the window of time where you can make your daily approach and stick to it. For me, I had a long commute, so I would use the train journey and approach at least one girl on the way into London and one on the way out of London. For you, your lunch break might be an ideal time. Whatever it is, find your window.
Scale It Up
It can feel more challenging to approach during the day without a wing to encourage you.
If you’re alone and feeling nervous, just take off some pressure. Scale the opener you use – if you’re petrified, you don’t have to start direct and ballsy, start more situational and low-key. For example, a functional opener such as, ‘Hey excuse me, do you know if there’s a Starbucks around here?’ is much easier to muster the courage to deliver than ‘I saw you from across the street and I just had to come say hi…because I think you’re gorgeous!’ If you gradually scale up your material, just as you would add weight to your bench press routine, you will be able to deliver the latter opener with ease and enthusiasm.
If you’re going to form this habit, be ready. Always leave the house dressed well, whatever that means for your lifestyle. Throw out your bad clothes so you won’t be tempted to wear them – don’t let the fact that you’re dressed badly be an excuse to not approach. Dressing well has a positive impact on your interactions with everyone in your life.
Your daily approaches should be done solo for maximum growth, but it can help to have a wing or accountability buddy who will check in with you every day to make sure you’ve done your approach. This added motivation can give you the kickstart you need to start forming the habit.
Does this mean no more sarging? No!
‘Sarging’ is great for getting your game tight – perhaps your attraction phase needs tweaking or your comfort game lacks connection. Go out, hit the clubs and bars, do a ton of sets. The trick is to combine this with daily approaching to build and sustain the approach habit and you’ll go a long way towards achieving your relationship goals.
I often think of the ability to approach as a muscle. For every approach you make, you grow that muscle. For every approach you back out of, you weaken it.
Make those approaches, build your courage. The results may very well astound you.