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  • 1 Post By MajorThird

Thread: I sing with a club band and I still can't pick up girls

  1. #1
    Gmann is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default I sing with a club band and I still can't pick up girls

    Hey guys what do you think about this ? I think I suffer from social anxiety, I have sang music in different rock bands my whole life. I have a voice that would be considered exceptional I am not bragging I worked hard for this. I have been lifting weights a couple of times a week for the past three years so it look pretty good too. But here's my problem, when I sing and I have trouble making eye contact with the audience, I am always closing my eyes or looking down at the floor. Sometimes when I'm on the stage I'll notice some girls looking at me and I always find myself looking away or down immediately. I know deep down inside I have to look at them and smile in order to gain their initial attraction, but I feel very weird doing it. My band wants me to go out into the audience and sing sometimes. This is something I've always wanted to do but have never been able to. Most of the time that I've tried it I've walked out into the audience for about 5 seconds, it's like an eternity to me and I couldn't wait to get back on the stage. What am I supposed to do? Go out and stare at someone and sing to them? I know there are so many people that would love to be in my position and I don't even know how to use it to my advantage. can someone help me?

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    HardRock is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I sing with a club band and I still can't pick up girls

    Look for a giant mirror and practice each gesture, each movement.explore body language.record yourself doing movements and perfect them till your satisfied.when you know the movement your doing or sure of that pose it may help a bit.
    Learn to run game and talk to women.that should fix the eye contact thing.
    Another thing is getting a friend and practicing holding eye contact for 10 secs then release.a week you should get eye contact handled on some level.

  3. #3
    MajorThird is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I sing with a club band and I still can't pick up girls

    I'm in a band too, recently looking for ways to improve how that works out for me. Here are some pointers I think might help you, but know that I don't exactly come from a place of experience...! Long post, because I've been thinking about this a lot. I hope you guys don't mind.

    Eye contact

    I wouldn't worry too much about eye contact during the gig. It could help, but your main priority is the performance. You're better of doing your own thing, rocking the stage than looking insecure making eye contact. If you're looking "over" the crowd, they can't tell you're not making eye contact with anybody. They just know you're not making eye contact with them. This also depends a lot on the lighting and the distance to your audience. You can make eye contact and it can be very intimate, but you can also get away with faking 100% of your eye contact looking into the crowd but not directly at people.
    Also, mystery-method wise, I wouldn't make too much eye-contact with potential targets; don't validate them too much. Just use your stage-time to show value. Also (this is a note to self) smile a lot! Musicians take themselves too seriously very often. Smiling makes you look better, makes your music-making look easier and people tend to smile back, which in turn might make it easier for you to make eye contact eventually.
    I would also argue that looking "sexual" during a gig is more important than making eye contact (I suck at this!) Look at front men like Prince and Freddy Mercury. They don't use eye contact (you pretty much can't in a stadium), they're just act horny as fark and people are attracted to that. By all means, improve on your eye contact, but if eye contact gets you even a bit out of your zone, forget it (for now).

    Other contact

    This isn't pua matter, but band presentation in general, I guess. Walk around on the stage, Before the gig, make a mental note of all places you could be singing from (/playing in my case). I've played from (pool)tables, the bar, the dance floor. People love that sh1t and I think it shows dominance. Make eye contact with the band members. Go to the guitarist in guitar solos, jump off the drum riser, stuff like that. Sing a verse while putting an arm around the bassplayer. If there's a girl in the band, give her a little kiss Purple-Rain-style. Contact with your band members looks great; by the sound of it, I think for you it could also be a good step towards breaking the ice a little. If your band reacts weird to this, talk about this. Leave the PU stuff out, and talk about band dynamics and how you want the entire band to look cool. Talk about what you guys feel comfy with and what not (which you already did to some extend: good).
    Also, the pose where you have one arm around - let's say - the bass player, will work if you're in the crowd. Just keep singing and while singing throw your arm around a hot chick (with her at your side, not in front of you, which is too direct). They won't know how to look, but you've got the mic, so you do. From what I've read: You don't feel ready for that sh1t, but doing this with a band member might be a great "first step". BTW, most bands do NOT have the dynamics during rehearsal to actually practice this sh1t. This however goes beyond the scope of a PUA forum. ;->

    I don't like eye contact just for the sake of it, but when it means something (funny), I'm all for it. For example, what I like to do is see if I can get "little things" going, like imitating a little dance I see happen in the crowd, or simply point to somebody when you see them (okay, this presupposes eye-contact). Groups of girls are rather easily pressured into mimicking some silly dance move (you know, the really stupid ones). Or if I make a mistake and someone notices, I could point at them as if I'm blaming them. Generally nobody else notices and if they do: so much the better.

    The room when you're not playing


    I make a serious effort of befriening the crew. Usually we're there before everybody else. We talk to the owner, the technician and (only if you try) the bar staff before the place gets loud and packed. Try to get as many names as possible and just be friends with them.
    So, the way I see it, is that the important time is when you're offstage. My bandmembers like to chill backstage, but I try to use as much time as possible to mingle. It's very easy to open groups between sets (with sets i mean: series of songs, not girls! ;-> we usually play 2 or 3 sets, having 1 or 2 breaks) or after the gig, and your value and social proof are through the roof. Also, being in a band asks for you to be at least slightly overdressed.
    I've got a few of these lines I use a lot, but I'm guessing there must be millions of them (please share whatever you have!) like:

    • To a group/girl if you had that dance-thing going: "Hey, you guys got the moves, don't be shy about it", or "You dance any better/sexier and we're gonna have to get you on stage in the next set" (the sillier the moves are, the funnier this is).
    • You guys look like musicians, do you play in a band? (from the stage you can spot fellow musicians a mile away)
    • (After a compliment) Yeah, thanks, but to be honest, I'm more into [ridiculous genre, make something up: progressive opera, hobbit-folk-music] and I'm looking for [instrument]. Would you like to join my new band-project? (grab them and together go scouting for that harp-player you need)
    • I see you guys singing along, have you been downloading our stuff from the internet? You know that's illegal, right?
    • Introduce fellow band members (merging)
    • (After a compliment) You're just waiting for us to finish so you can climb on the stage, grab the mic and show us what you've got.

    You don't have to be great to be buried in compliments while engaging the crowd. Handling compliments well is one thing I find really difficult. Any great lines are hugely appreciated. Also, any advice on the insane amounts of sweat I gush out during a gig would be appreciated. :-)

  4. #4
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    Default Re: I sing with a club band and I still can't pick up girls

    Awesome post MajorThird! I'm a guitarist and I would love to get back in a band eventually. Your advice is great for any performing act and it's great for showing confidence and dominance.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: I sing with a club band and I still can't pick up girls

    Definitely a confidence thing. Here's a few things you can tell yourself that may help you out.

    - Women want sex. And they want it with you. You don't have apologize for your desire because you both want the same thing. She is just looking for you to lead her.

    - They are in YOUR world. You are NOT in theirs. So because this is your world, you treat it like a playground. And do what you want. In fact, if your frame is strong enough you can pull off some crazy things and you'd actually be shaping it like other people are rude for not going along with it. It's not about truth. It's about controlling people's perceptions of the world around them.

    - Have fun! And don't worry about what other people think. In fact, they are likely wondering how YOU think of THEM. You're the rockstar remember!!

    The rest is mostly about pushing your comfort zone and owning your world. Hope this helps and good luck.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  6. #6
    MajorThird is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: I sing with a club band and I still can't pick up girls

    I'm pretty new to the whole pua jargon, so I was thinking about this; some basic things to not forget when you're in a band:

    dhv's

    Anything band-related is a dhv in my opinion, especially for the people who actually show up at your gigs.
    The exclusive access to some other parts. It's great to take people backstage, or get some fresh air at the patio or something.
    The gear and the instruments; a lot of people come up and ask about your guitar, and i am tempted to think it looks good on me, so I love holding it in the crowd. Also, I love handing it over to people, especially if they don't expect it, and especially if they're hot girls, obviously. :-)
    The bandmembers. Don't ever talk crap about them EVER to anyone but themselves. In PUA jargon, i'd say this displays character, loyalty, and being a protector of loved ones, but seriously, it's just terrible band ethics and very unprofessional.

    Time constraints

    New concept for me (i just started reading about PUA, the previous post was my first! ;-> ), but i understand this is an underused and simple trick to remove or avoid resistance. "Hey guys, i should be packing my gear, but i'm too curious, so let me ask..." Usually this isn't even bullsh1t, because you're on a tight schedule. Also, I hate it if a band plays their last song and then starts packing immediately (shows disinterest to the venue and the crowd), so I like that line, because it says: I have to get going, but I want to stay and have fun for as long as possible.

    Now I wanted to keep going about qualifying, giving value and creating an emotional connection, but this is where I go completely blank. So if anyone wants to give it a go, I'd be very much interested!

    Also: Hotel logistics! ;->


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