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  1. #1
    Bart Doe Guest

    Default Approached a group, botched it

    Today, I felt like drinking a beer and none of my friends was available, so I went into the pub by myself. There were a couple of guys at the counter and I sat down for a beer and a chat. When they started to bore me, I spotted a group of three girls and one lame looking guy.

    I strolled over and said that I was being bored to death by the old guy, mind if I join them? I asked them a couple of questions, like 'did you come out of college or from work', etc. The girls leaned back and said nothing, the guy basically evaded the questions. There wasn't any connection, so I just said 'Alright, I won't bother you any further', and finished my drink at the counter.

    Obviously, that wasn't a successful approach... Any tips on how to deal with this kind of situation?

  2. #2
    prjav's Avatar
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    Default Re: Approached a group, botched it

    dont turn it into a interview, be fun, spontaneous and bring a topic that will create controversy between the woman and the guys in the group. get them talking. create a false time constraint, dont feel urged or nervous, have fun and dont show any kind of desperation.

    either way good job, keep approaching and you will succeed.

  3. #3
    Bill Preston's Avatar
    Bill Preston is offline Owner - PUA Forum
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    Default Re: Approached a group, botched it

    +++ for the approach.

    What would you say if it was three guys sitting at the bar? Would you be able to talk to them? If not, next time you are out - try to open guys (I mean if you can't talk to guys, you are gonna have that much more trouble talking to women).

    Be sure to use the proper body language (effectively making a false time constraint). The main thing is people don't want some stranger to be there forever.

    If you make it clear you can only chat a minute with your words and your body language, you will do much better.

    Try this:

    Hey guys, what's going on? I can only stay for a moment, once I finish this beer I am outta hear (or I am expecting a phone call from my girlfriend - great as it disqualifies you as a suitor AND is a false time constraint)... but you guys seemed cool so I wanted to come by and say hi.

    ETC.

  4. #4
    Thundercat Guest

    Default Re: Approached a group, botched it

    Quote Originally Posted by Bart Doe View Post
    Today, I felt like drinking a beer and none of my friends was available, so I went into the pub by myself. There were a couple of guys at the counter and I sat down for a beer and a chat. When they started to bore me, I spotted a group of three girls and one lame looking guy.

    I strolled over and said that I was being bored to death by the old guy, mind if I join them? I asked them a couple of questions, like 'did you come out of college or from work', etc. The girls leaned back and said nothing, the guy basically evaded the questions. There wasn't any connection, so I just said 'Alright, I won't bother you any further', and finished my drink at the counter.

    Obviously, that wasn't a successful approach... Any tips on how to deal with this kind of situation?
    Just going off of what you wrote here, a few things stuck out at me...

    First of all, if you're approaching a mixed set with a guy and girls, you should usually approach the GUY first, since he'll typically be the one controlling the group. (Not always, but even if he isn't, he can be your biggest obstacle). So its important to talk to the guy first and then work your way into the group.

    Second, you came into the group on a negative note, talking about you being bored and kinda ragging on the "old guy." Its never a good idea to introduce yourself on a down or negative note. You always want to try to be a positive influence when entering a group.

    Finally, you'll always notice that there's a "queen bee" amongst girls. In other words, a girl who the other girls follow. So you need to figure out who that girl is in the group and then work on engaging HER. Once you get her on your side, the other girls follow.

    I don't know what type of material you used on the group, but sometimes its important to tailor what you talk about to the group.

    Hope that helps,

    Thundercat

  5. #5
    Bart Doe Guest

    Default Re: Approached a group, botched it

    All great tips. What I got from it, was basically to avoid the "Let me invite myself" syndrome. Thanks guys, I'm going to flex these approach muscles in the coming time.

  6. #6
    Bart Doe Guest

    Default Re: Approached a group, botched it

    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Preston View Post
    What would you say if it was three guys sitting at the bar? Would you be able to talk to them? If not, next time you are out - try to open guys (I mean if you can't talk to guys, you are gonna have that much more trouble talking to women).
    Took me some time to admit this -- but I do feel I'm not fluent there.

    My background is that I'm a software guy and between peers, never had a problem asserting myself. However when among other men, especially talkative and assertive men, I often feel slightly impressed by the present force.

    Do you guys have any tips for this?

  7. #7
    tcomea2 is offline PUA Forums VIP Member
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    Default Re: Approached a group, botched it

    Quote Originally Posted by Bart Doe View Post
    Took me some time to admit this -- but I do feel I'm not fluent there.

    My background is that I'm a software guy and between peers, never had a problem asserting myself. However when among other men, especially talkative and assertive men, I often feel slightly impressed by the present force.

    Do you guys have any tips for this?
    Work your eye contact with everone. It will boost your confidence might put them back on their heels. Remeber your the alpha not them!

  8. #8
    Bart Doe Guest

    Default Re: Approached a group, botched it

    Thanks, great tip. I have to rethink/reframe these situations and consider I'm putting my presence/force out there as well.


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