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  1. #1
    LifeMage Guest

    Lightbulb I'm cock blocking myself :S

    Hi guys, I'm new to this forum and in need of some psychological help, although flaming and random comments at my expense are well-deserved and appreciated

    Background:
    I grew up in a Christian home and was taught that sex and virtually everything else was evil. Over the past couple years I have slowly been overhauling my beliefs, ranging from money to substances to sex. The problem is, after 23 years of cock blocking myself it's extremely difficult to close. A couple years ago I would stop during kissing, now I can't even get to kissing. I feel like my confidence is slowly draining away and I'm desperate to regain control.

    Example:
    Last night I had a girl laughing and initiating contact with me, but rather than reciprocating and escalating Kino, I became extremely passive. After a couple minutes of avoiding/breaking eye contact, withdrawing socially and ignoring her in general, she left in search of another guy.

    Problem/Rant:
    This is so frustrating. I've always been confident in social situations and have no problem with the early stages. The problem is I can't figure out how to overcome my childhood conditioning to get physical (I've been turning down sex/groping/kissing since 7th grade and have become annoying comfortable doing so).

    PS - I don't usually ask questions on forums because I tend to get fortune cookie advice in return (aka "just touch her" - thanks Sherlock, but that's what I'm having trouble doing). This is a real problem and amidst the virgin mocking I'm hoping to get a few useful answers. I've already read the kiss-close post ( http://www.puaforums.com/how-flirt/2...iss-close.html ), but I think I'm hung up one stage earlier. My withdrawal tends to follow a pattern, so I'm going to share what generally happens.

    Pattern:
    1. Find a target
    2. Initiate conversation, get her to start laughing
    3. Start basic kino (friendly - not romantic)
    4. Assert authority over interaction (suggest activities/increase conversation value)
    5. She starts physical flirtation (playful kicks, touching my back/shoulders/arms, looking into my eyes, increases physical proximity)
    6. I sense ioi's and know I should reciprocate/escalate (kino/kissing)
    7. Abstinence habit kicks in. I break eye contact, stop touching, withdraw socially
    8. She gets confused and eventually moves on to someone more interesting
    9. I feel miserable. My confidence sinks a bit and I feel like the habit is only gaining strength

    Need:
    I know I should "just do it," but I keep getting stuck up on what exactly to do. I would love a couple simple ways I can touch her that show interest and escalate the touching. I suppose what I'm asking for is the equivalent of a "canned opener" to initiate pre-kiss contact.

    PS - Sorry for the silly question. I know it's basic but I've been trying for a while now and keep failing. Hopefully you guys can help. Thanks!

  2. #2
    crobinson1 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    wow bro i wont lie you analyzed this so well on your own and you seem to have the theory down pat for sure. but just like anything else, to get over a feeling you have to summerge yourself in it and learn to get used to it. just like when we teach about Approach Anxiety. you learn it through experience. there is no magical advice we can give you to cure this. your going to have to one by one keep summerging yourself in that situation and going for it. each time you go for it and it works out, your confidence is going to keep going through the roof and then your naturally going to get over this escalation anxiety. so next time you need to maybe get drunk enough to loosen up and start making it your goal to push through things and naturally get through it. once you start seeing results your anxiety will seem to diminish. it will still be there forever pretty much, but the way you deal with it is how you go from ruinging the experience to being a true closer!!

    i feel bad i dont have an instant cure, but it will come with practice. and dont worry about fixing it immediately. once you get past this it seems like ur game will be strong bro. trust me just work on it and obviously since you see it, it not hard to work on cause you know its there and you know you need to fix it
    I live in my reality and you’re a guest

  3. #3
    LifeMage Guest

    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    Hmm, not exactly what I was looking for, but I suppose it's the truest answer

    Do you know of any posts/stories that discuss this? I'd love to have a link or keyword to search. I think I just need some encouragement. Being able to read about how other guys have dealt with this problem and see them succeed would be a huge boost to my morale.

    (PS - I was above .25 blood-alcohol in my last example. Unfortunately, the more I drink the more my conditioning takes over. I'm going to try it sober next time and see if a clear head can muscle through the fear).
    Last edited by LifeMage; 10-12-2010 at 01:46 AM.

  4. #4
    tcomea2 is offline PUA Forums VIP Member
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    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    Ok cool. No flming here and no virgin jokes. I won't bash people for their moral convictions. To give you some of my backrohnd I grew up in the deep south very religious. I learned game and choose not to have sex. Crazy huh. Then I got married divorced and and now I have game with sex. Don't let the game change your morals just cause. If your beliefs and what not are changing and you want to change then do. But don't do it just cause I tell you it cool. Or anyone else for that matter.

    Now a few points: No where in the bible does it say you can't kiss a girl, hold her hand, hug her whatever. If you are getting moral conviction over a kiss then i have to ask why.

    Second. If you want to adjust this attitude and feeling you have ti change your outlook on it. This is an inner game issue. Christian Hudson of the social man is the man when it comes to inner game. He created a program called unbreakable which goes into great detail about out look, perception, and game in general. Check it out it changed my game totally.

    Hope this helps dude. Beat if luck and don't be afraid to ask questions. You might get some trash responses but there are alot of guys here who honestly invest in each other hoping to help each other.

  5. #5
    crobinson1 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    wow damn. usually alcohol numbs the effect. thats different! haha alcohol actually has a tendency to just loosen everybody up and sort of get them into the phase of "i dont give a shit" mode. but yeah as far as amazing answers to instantly fix it i am drawing blanks. like anything its just takes work. im sure the one time you jump ahead and go do it, you will be amazed at the progress that it helps.

    i mean i actually used to have the same thing and i myself find ways to make it seem less like going out on a limb and all that. i mean when you go for a full kiss close standing and all that. it is a little intimidating. usually i dont have a problem but i have come up with a few ways to take off the pressure. usually sitting down in close proximity helps take off the ease cause you know must of the time if she wants it or not. but back when i was an AFC in high school i remember one time with this girl i was total oneidis for. i hung out with her and failed to kiss her a couple times. my bro and his ex come to pick me up and they ask and my brother says fark that. we arent leaving unless you farking kiss her. then they are just like "tell her you forgot your wallet" so i texted her that and was waiting at the door. she opens and i move in somewhat fast but slow once i get to her and just said something like "i wanted to do this all night" and then slowly went in and kissed her. she reciprocated by coming towards me. after we got done kissing for a little bit we seperate and we both have big smiles on our face. since then its been a lot easier to just go for it. trust me, its not somebody elses results that help you. its your own results that help bring up your m0rale and push through the problem of kiss closing. oh and i never dated that girl cause she ended up dying in a car accident a month later. me and her mom are really close and i found out that she felt stuff for me. so bro never take to long to do something cause you will lose out on time you wished you had.

    i know you didnt want to hear it but by just doing it, you will give yourself the confidence that these women DO want to kiss you, you just need to give it to them!!! haha.
    Last edited by crobinson1; 10-12-2010 at 02:04 AM.
    I live in my reality and you’re a guest

  6. #6
    LifeMage Guest

    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    tcomea2
    Thanks dude. I appreciate the encouragement and tips. I'm not a Christian anymore - that died a couple years ago. I have no moral problems with sex, kissing or any of that. I'm pretty comfy with anything in theory, it's the application I struggle with (I'm analytical and retreat to my mind when facing uncomfortable situations).

    crobinson1
    Thanks for the second post. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I'm going to read your comment right before I go out next time and "just do it"


    After the encouragement you guys gave me and a little reflection, I think I've figured out how to break through this road block. There is this girl that's into me but is also part of a social group I'm in, so I haven't really hit on her because it would interfere with group time. My plan is to...

    1. Don't make it a group event (remove potential for awkward social constraints)
    2. Invite her to a dance party with alcohol (physical environment with lowered inhibitions)
    3. Use dancing to naturally signal intent and establish Kino (which I struggle with in normal environments)
    4. Kiss-close (man up and go for gold...if I fail, well, at least I tried)

  7. #7
    crobinson1 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    dont worry. she will NEVER just call you out in front of everybody. i have never heard of a girl doing that. the least she will do is just pull away but im sure with the right prep work with keno and sexual Tension. she will just be thinking about it haha. but yeah bro there is a success story. i mean trust me up until you decide to kiss and go for it you mind will be going crazy. once you initiate going in, its like ur mind goes blank and you just do completely you. sometimes those sly words like " i wanted this all night" help make her really get into it!!!! haha i hope you do good bro.
    I live in my reality and you’re a guest

  8. #8
    tcomea2 is offline PUA Forums VIP Member
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    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    There you go dude. Beyond just doing it try to get out if your own head, If you are overthinking it you will psyc yourself out if it. Relax have fun. If you still can't push past it get at me on pm and we will set something up to push you through.

  9. #9
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    nik
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    Default Re: I'm cock blocking myself :S

    When I am about to make a move of any kind on a woman, I think of a time I pussed out. I remember how much I hated myself for not even trying. Then, I go for it with the knowledge I would rather hate her for not reciprocating than hate myslef for not even trying.


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