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Thread: SOS. HELP ME

  1. #1
    Djsash is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Thumbs down SOS. HELP ME

    First of all I would like to say hello to everybody, it is a pleasure for me to be part of the community.

    Now, i will go talk about my situation.
    Well, I am 18 and I have trouble
    approaching because I really don't know what to say or I just think it's not the right moment.
    I have some knowledge about "
    The Game " since I read Neil Strauss 's book. I know the "philosophy" of the game and I have a pretty basic overview of the whole thing and how it works.

    The problem is that I am not someone who is very social. Normally I just hang around with only 4 friends in highschool. I speak with other people of course, but just at school and i don't hang around with anyone apart from these friends. I guess we are considered "freaks" or so, although no one hates us or anything. They just.... ignore me/us. They don't "dislike" us but they don't "like" us either. Or at least most people.

    But I don't really have a problem with that, it's cool with everybody. The thing is that i realized that i have problems socializing out from school. I don't go out much.
    I started going out at night a few months ago but not with these friends. They don't like partying and all that. But i'm different.
    I have these two other friends which I hang out with more now so i'm kinda started to go out at night now.

    The main problem is that i'm 18 and i have never made out. I might not be very attractive but i'm not a monster xD. What I do know is that I have a poroblem and that it is up to me to find a solution.

    I have a problem when it comes to being in group or
    approaching people I don't know or I don't usually talk with. I keep thinking on things to say while they are in front of me but i keep saying to myself: "yeah, i'll say it later" or "now is not the moment" and at the end, I regret not doing it because the chance has gone by.

    Last week I was at an event with many other schools for a model of a political council. I didn't feel confident enough to approach anybody and I hated how other people just did it with no problem and got accepted easily. No one approached me although I don't complain for that.
    I started speaking with this girl which I had seen before but after I say 1 or 2 sentences I just can't figure out anything to say and I just stare to the flore saying: "sooooo, yeaaaah" and I just leave or she leaves. I just can't think of anything to say, really.

    So I want to develop easier in these situations because it isn't normal. I have this huge party with over 1500 people coming up in two weeks. I hope I can change drastically by then or at least learn my mistakes and change in some way. I don't wanna fuck it up like I did last week.

    Also, in the party I don't think there will be many places to chill and talk cause it's a disco (I hope there is). So, any tip on that?

    Maybe you can post what you would do in my situation or maybe someone offers himself to be: "my master" or "tutor" to teach me in the next 2 weeks.

    I think I came to the best place. S.O.S

  2. #2
    Sitfab's Avatar
    Sitfab is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Hi. You're a classic case of aa : Approach Anxiety. It can be cured, not in 2 weeks, but it can. This is normal, everybody had it at some point in their lives and still do.

    Most guys let fear paralyze them... not just about chicks, but about other things in their life like their job, following their dreams, etc. ... which is why, unfortunately, most guys will never be successful in life. So first, look at where your fear comes from. It may surprise you. The problem is inside of you. It's not with the chicks.

    If you're nervous about rejection, then that means you're making your approaches with a certain outcome in mind. (I'm just guessing, but I think if you're like most guys, your goal is getting chicks attracted to you so that you can have sex with them.)

    Try this instead... approach without having any expectations. Zero goals.

    That's right. Zero goals
    . Be social for the sake of being social. Nothing else.
    The more you do the thing you fear, the easier it gets, because your attitude about the experiences will become, "Been there, done that, it's no big deal."


  3. #3
    tcomea2 is offline PUA Forums VIP Member
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    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Well put Sitfab REP+ for that.

    Im going to try to take it just one or two steps further because you are having some serious inner game issues here. So just a few points:
    1. You need to work on changing your inner dialog. You are telling yourself you are going to fail in your head so as a result you will fail. I imagine you are also telling yourself that you aren’t good enough, and you already hinted towards the fact that you don’t think you are attractive enough. Well those things can be changed. You are looking through a value filter that is setting you up for failure. So we need to change it, and I know it wont happen over night. You need to start developing what is called social momentum. Its like when you go out and open sets and the first one is hard to open, but you do and then you close it. The next one is that much easier. Well you need to get to a social motivated point before you can even open sets. I use to go to the mall and just walk around and make eyecontact with every person I saw and tell them hello. Not looking to start a conversation, but just looking to boost my momentum. Then I would start a conversation with some random person. Guy girl old young fat ugly didn’t matter. Just talk. When you do this it makes you realize that people are very open to other people and willing to talk to them. Not to mention it builds your momentum and sets you in the right state of mind to actually sarge.

    2. You need to accept that you will get rejected. Its going to happen. The top 5% of guys who get 90% of the girls get rejected all the time. The difference is how we look at it. People reject things all the time, if someone ask you if you want a piece of gum and you say no then you rejected them. The difference comes with how you view it. The way I look at it is that they aren’t rejecting me, they are rejecting the gum. So expound on that a bit and say I open a set and I get rejected. Well the reality is that they most likely did not reject me they rejected the approach. They could be in a bad place, they could have just gone through a bad break up, they could be lesbians who knows. But most of the time when guys get rejected its cause the woman is not in a place to accept them into their world yet.


    3. RELAX. You seem like a smart guy. The problem with smart guys is that they over analyze things. I imagine you are doing this so I say it again, RELAX. The game is about having fun, don’t make your goal to have sex with more chicks, make it to have fun and bring new exciting people into your life. When you take the pressure off this stuff gets way easier.

    Man I really excited you came here for help and I hope we can live up to your expectation. There is a ton of great info on this site and some really solid guys who know their stuff. If you have questions post them up, also you can always PM me is you have something you don’t want to share with everyone. Best of luck!

  4. #4
    Sitfab's Avatar
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    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Thank you, tcomea2.

  5. #5
    Djsash is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Thank you very much to both of you.
    I feel pretty much identified in your answers.

    I will do what you told me, starting from today. You have made me think about issues I didn't think of.
    Now I have a different perspective.

    I hope I can change as much as I can before the day of the party.
    Trust me, it's a big one xD.
    I live in Spain and I'm traveling for one day to brussels just for this party. I still can't believe how my parents allowed me hahahah.
    It should be epic and I will take the most out of it.

    Thank you very much. I will stay in touch with you periodically so I can comment on what happened to me or about other doubts I might have.

    Sincerely, Sash

  6. #6
    andyyang Guest

    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Hello Djsash,

    As tcomea2 has pointed out, you definitely have an Approach Anxiety. As I have read, it comes from your recent shift of "not-being-so-social" to the "recently going out at night" routine. Don't worry about it, everybody has approach anxiety - even I had that when I was starting out to dating women.

    You only have to be comfortable approaching people, groups of people or women in particular.

    To do this, try this SIMPLE approaching exercise in a week or so: In any time of the day, whether you are strolling or going somewhere, try to approach a person you don't know and ask for directions, what time is it; where's the nearest place to go for something this or that, etc. Do it every time an opportunity comes.
    With that exercise, you are training yourself (and your body) to be comfortable when approaching a person who you don't know completely. It also allows you to be social and improve your communication skills. Remember that simple conversations with people you don't know can greatly affect how you interact with strangers you may meet in the future.

    When approaching someone, NEVER assume that you are going to be rejected something BAD is going to happen - remember that these things are all just there in your HEAD.

    Instead of negative things playing in your head, think of the POSITIVE outcome that you can get out of approaching a person or a group. Think of gaining new friends or feeling happier because you have someone or some group to socialize with. Think of gaining an opportunity to interact with people and improving your SOCIAL skills.

    If you get rejected or feel awkward - that's a nice thing, in a way that you must definitely EXPERIENCE a lot of negative things before you get used to it and somehow DEAL with it in succeeding opportunities when meeting people.
    Remember that having experiences of rejection enables you to formulate SOLUTIONS of your own, if in case a typical scenario you experienced in a past is similar to the one you are experiencing at that moment.

    Having a feeling of getting rejected? TAKE THE RISK. You will never know what will happen so why worry even though you don't know the outcome? So instead of standing there and waiting for something, INITIATE and see where your actions (positive ones) will take you.

    So far, I can first offer those pieces of advice on approaching. If you want to learn more what to do after a SUCCESSFUL approach, then feel free to ask and reply.

    We are here to help you.

    GOOD LUCK!

  7. #7
    Djsash is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Thank you very much again.
    Your tips really help me.

    I started changing my behaviour today and I don't know if it's coincidence or what, but I spent most of my day with girls, talking to them in the library, eating at the cantine, taking pictures they then uploaded xD

    It might seem stupid, but it made my day. haha

  8. #8
    prettyboy6 Guest

    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Quote Originally Posted by andyyang View Post
    Hello Djsash,

    As tcomea2 has pointed out, you definitely have an Approach Anxiety. As I have read, it comes from your recent shift of "not-being-so-social" to the "recently going out at night" routine. Don't worry about it, everybody has approach anxiety - even I had that when I was starting out to dating women.

    You only have to be comfortable approaching people, groups of people or women in particular.

    To do this, try this SIMPLE approaching exercise in a week or so: In any time of the day, whether you are strolling or going somewhere, try to approach a person you don't know and ask for directions, what time is it; where's the nearest place to go for something this or that, etc. Do it every time an opportunity comes.
    With that exercise, you are training yourself (and your body) to be comfortable when approaching a person who you don't know completely. It also allows you to be social and improve your communication skills. Remember that simple conversations with people you don't know can greatly affect how you interact with strangers you may meet in the future.

    When approaching someone, NEVER assume that you are going to be rejected something BAD is going to happen - remember that these things are all just there in your HEAD.

    Instead of negative things playing in your head, think of the POSITIVE outcome that you can get out of approaching a person or a group. Think of gaining new friends or feeling happier because you have someone or some group to socialize with. Think of gaining an opportunity to interact with people and improving your SOCIAL skills.

    If you get rejected or feel awkward - that's a nice thing, in a way that you must definitely EXPERIENCE a lot of negative things before you get used to it and somehow DEAL with it in succeeding opportunities when meeting people.
    Remember that having experiences of rejection enables you to formulate SOLUTIONS of your own, if in case a typical scenario you experienced in a past is similar to the one you are experiencing at that moment.

    Having a feeling of getting rejected? TAKE THE RISK. You will never know what will happen so why worry even though you don't know the outcome? So instead of standing there and waiting for something, INITIATE and see where your actions (positive ones) will take you.

    So far, I can first offer those pieces of advice on approaching. If you want to learn more what to do after a SUCCESSFUL approach, then feel free to ask and reply.

    We are here to help you.

    GOOD LUCK!
    nice tips..

  9. #9
    Tango90 Guest

    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Thanks guys, this helped me out too!

  10. #10
    Morrisb is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: SOS. HELP ME

    Quote Originally Posted by tcomea2 View Post
    Well put Sitfab REP+ for that.

    2. You need to accept that you will get rejected. Its going to happen. The top 5% of guys who get 90% of the girls get rejected all the time. The difference is how we look at it. People reject things all the time, if someone ask you if you want a piece of gum and you say no then you rejected them. The difference comes with how you view it. The way I look at it is that they arenít rejecting me, they are rejecting the gum. So expound on that a bit and say I open a set and I get rejected. Well the reality is that they most likely did not reject me they rejected the approach. They could be in a bad place, they could have just gone through a bad break up, they could be lesbians who knows. But most of the time when guys get rejected its cause the woman is not in a place to accept them into their world yet.


    3. RELAX. You seem like a smart guy. The problem with smart guys is that they over analyze things. I imagine you are doing this so I say it again, RELAX. The game is about having fun, donít make your goal to have sex with more chicks, make it to have fun and bring new exciting people into your life. When you take the pressure off this stuff gets way easier.
    True on both points. That's me right now. I'm checking a lot of stuff. It helps. But, at the same time it's overwhelming. I need to just go with the flow or accept certain things.


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