As a woman, my response to this question is always the same. Unlike what most PUA teachers say, women don’t test men.  We are protecting ourselves and calming our own anxiousness/insecurities.

I wish we were smart enough to strategically plan ahead and create “tests” for men to complete to gauge their “worthiness”. But unfortunately, we are not. It’s not like we say to ourselves “I am totally going to fuck around with a man’s (or my man’s) mind tonight. Get him all confused and frustrated. Really screw him up so I can see if he really wants me.”

I wanted to share an email with you that I received recently from a man named Leo who was getting very frustrated with women testing him in the bedroom. I know that this is an area where many men constantly feel tested which leads to tons of frustration and confusion.

My response to Leo breaks down why women seemingly “test” men, what “testing” really means and how to stop the “testing” from ruining your evening. Hopefully my response will help you understand the woman’s POV so that you will no longer get frustrated or confused.

Email:

Hi Marni!

I was dating a woman in her late 30′s some time ago and she was into playing games.

The 1st time we were together, she was teasing me a lot during the foreplay, she said to me “we are not going to have sex, I’m not gonna give you oral sex, etc.”  Even though she was obviously enjoying what I was doing to her.

I got tired of this situation, put my clothes on and walked to the door until she stopped me and said she was kidding.

How can a woman imagine that a man is going to enjoy a situation like this? Is this from her need to keep me on my toes? I don’t get it! Sometimes I wonder if you women think about how to please us. Are those tests or what? Thanks, Leo.

RESPONSE:

Leo,

These are not tests at all. These are boundaries and protective shields. OR try thinking of it another way. It’s a woman being sensual, sexual and seductive while still maintaining respect for herself and her body.

You have to remember that sex is very different for men than it is for woman. I know that when I start having sex with a guy, my shields are up until I have evidence that I can put them down. Safety and security are the #1 priority for women when we have sex with a new man.

To explain better I want to give you access to what goes on in my mind when I am about to have sex with a new guy. I think to myself “I can totally have a 1-night stand but will he respect me if I do? Is he using me? Will he call me the next day? What if I get pregnant? I shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t want to be seen as a whore that he can use and leave. I want to be this girl who can just let go and have fun and not think long term.’  That’s just a smidge of the many thoughts that can run through our minds unless a man is able to calm us down.

These little things that we do like “push-pull”, “saying no but meaning yes”, “being overly flirty and then not wanting to have sex” are just outward expressions of inner battles we are having in our minds.  NOT TESTS.

SO instead of thinking “what a manipulative, testing bitch” think, “what could I do right now to help her calm mind down and make her feel safe and comfortable”. And before you say, “why is it my responsibility to calm her down?” I will tell you, it’s not. BUT if you want a ridiculously, amazing sexual experience with a woman, you are going to need to learn to put her first.

Here are a few simple steps for you to use the next time you find yourself in this situation with a woman.

1.   Take a breath and say to yourself “she likes me but is feeling very unsettled at this moment. I want to help her feel more comfortable”.

2.   Stop what you are doing; look her in the eyes and say, “I want you to be comfortable with EVERYTHING that we are doing right now. If at any point, you want to stop, we can stop. In fact, if there is anything I am doing to you that you don’t want, slap my hand (show her you slapping your own hand OR grab her hand and slap your hand) and we will stop instantly.

3.   Really mean what you said. Do not punish her for being uncomfortable. Be patient.

4.   Slowly get back into making out, kiss her neck, tease her and every 5-10 seconds look at her to make sure she is okay. Do this about 3 times. This will show her you mean what you said.

5.   Again – really mean what you say to her. I don’t want you to use these steps to hurt women.

I GUARANTEE, that if you do what I just told you, you will put any woman’s mind at ease so that her body can loosen up and enjoy!

I also GUARANTEE that if you think about “tests” from this point of view whether they are in the bedroom, said at dinner, at a club etc… you will have more success with women.

Marni

TAKEAWAY:

What you should be getting from the email correspondence between Leo and myself is that women do not test; they subtly express their discomfort through indirect actions.  We are not cruel and are not out to get you.

As I said to Leo, it sucks, it’s annoying to deal with and it’s not your responsibility to make a woman okay with her actions. BUT

BUT if you can be a little more patient and express a level of understanding, you will open us up, instead of shutting us down.  Which in turn will lead to a deeper connection and better (kinkier) sex

Want to learn more about Marni?  Check out:

Discover The 40 Things Women Wished You Knew
That Are Silently KILLING Your Game

“Hey honey, can I pee in your butt?”

I stood there horrified as my friend shouted this at literally every attractive girl who came within five feet of us. It was early in 2006, I had just discovered all of the exciting secrets that PUA had to offer and had just started going out to apply it.

As another aspect of my education, I decided to start hanging out with a couple guys who got laid more than anyone else I knew. The idea was that I’d go out with them, study what they said to women in their interactions and then emulate it.

Enter my friend Matt and “Can I pee in your butt?” Matt was a guy I briefly met once through a friend, but his reputation was widely known. He was in a rock band, had tattoos down his arms, and banged girls like it was his job. I had run into him by chance a week or two earlier and this was my first time hanging out with him for a whole night.

It’s human nature to become dogmatic in our beliefs. There are right and wrong things to eat, right and wrong ways to drive, right and wrong jobs to have and right and wrong things to say. We’re programmed to think in these terms for no other reason than that it’s simpler and requires for less effort than dealing with the spectra, grey-areas and nuances of every tiny behavior.

This applies to picking up girls as much as anything else. In fact, when most of us get into this, our first inclination is to hunt down the “right” things to say and do, and avoid the “wrong” things that we’ve been doing all of our lives. Products are sold to us as the “correct” ways to behave to attract women. Success is defined as a very black/white concept, when it’s not at all. It’s entirely subjective.

Reality is fuzzy. And realizing that it’s fuzzy is not always a pleasant experience.

As you can imagine, every girl ran away in horror at the “Can I pee in your butt?” comment. Matt was drunk and I was seriously questioning what the hell I was even doing out with him.

But then something funny happened. A couple girls laughed. And then suddenly another girl actually hung around and kept talking to us.

Needless to say, back in 2006, there wasn’t anything written in PUA manuals about how to transition out of a “Can I pee in your butt?” opener. So I stood there awkward and confused waiting to see how my friend would recover. Next thing I know Matt is talking about how he’s going to lick her butthole… OK, fuck this, I’m getting a drink. I don’t want to be associated with this guy when he gets thrown out.

About ten minutes later, Matt finds me, and surprisingly he’s got his arm around the girl he had been talking to.

“Hey man, we’re heading back to her place, it was great hanging out, we should do it again some time.”

To this day, this was one of the most pivotal nights of my entire journey and development. Was it that I learned that “Can I pee in your butt?” is the right thing to say? No, it’s that I learned that it’s not necessarily always wrong.

And by proxy, that means that most of what I had supposed were right things to say may not always be right — including pick up advice and material. A problem that I run into with guys constantly is that when things go wrong, they immediately assume that it’s due to their poor execution, when in fact, perhaps the advice they received may have been bad advice, given their situation or for that particular girl.

There’s no right or wrong; just better or worse. And how you navigate that better/worse is what “having game” actually is: understanding when teases or aggressive escalation is appropriate and when it’s not; knowing when to relate and connect with her and when not to.

The actual doing it is just doing it.

Check out more of Mark’s information at his: Get Girls Guaranteed Online Coaching Program

So what does it mean to flirt?

My definition of flirting is the act of playfully making a romantic or sexual overture or assumption when talking to a woman you’re attracted to.

I know that’s a mouthful, so let’s break it down piece by piece.

The first thing to learn, is that flirting is PLAYFUL. You can’t flirt when you’re being overly serious. You want to learn to think of flirting as playing a fun game. That way, you won’t take yourself, or any girl’s reactions too seriously.

Now the second part of my definition of flirting, involves making a romantic or sexual overture towards a woman you’re attracted to. That means you’re going to need to let the woman know you’re interested in her.

This is where most guys screw up royally!

The first mistake guys make here, happens when guys learn how to be playful, but they NEVER let the girl know they’re hitting on her. If you want to hook up with a girl, you’re going to have to let her know you’re attracted to her at some point. A lot of guys never do this, and instead end up in the dreaded and inescapable “friend zone.”

The second mistake guys make when it comes to flirting is that they convey their interest in the girl in the WRONG way.

Either they get really needy, and tell the girl how much they like her and want her to be their girlfriend before they’ve even kissed.

Or they express their SEXUAL interest too early. They think that as soon as the girl is somewhat interested in them it’s time to start trying to get sexual.

They don’t understand that women get aroused more slowly than men do, and they need a little more prep time, before they’re ready to get sexual.

So how does one flirt effectively?

My favorite way to flirt is to use what I call a statement of intent. Statements of intent involve letting the girl know playfully what you to expect from you down the line.

For example one of my favorite ways to flirt is to say something like:

“You’re really cute, you better stop laughing at my jokes or I will totally start hitting on you.”

This lets the girl know playfully that if we keep talking and she keeps laughing I’m going to assume she’s interested and try to escalate the interaction. If a girl laughs here or doesn’t say anything she is agreeing and passively giving me permission to move the conversation forward towards either setting up a date or trying to get her home with me that night.

Hopefully this article has clarified the idea of flirting for you.

Best,
Jon Sinn

—> Learn more about Jon Sinn here. <—