“Why the hell do women test and play games with men?” is by far the #1 question that I hear from men around the world. Which means this is a key topic that needs to be discussed and explained from a woman’s POV.
As a woman, my response to this question is always the same. Unlike what most PUA teachers say, women don’t test men. We are protecting ourselves and calming our own anxiousness/insecurities.
I wish we were smart enough to strategically plan ahead and create “tests” for men to complete to gauge their “worthiness”. But unfortunately, we are not. It’s not like we say to ourselves “I am totally going to fuck around with a man’s (or my man’s) mind tonight. Get him all confused and frustrated. Really screw him up so I can see if he really wants me.”
I wanted to share an email with you that I received recently from a man named Leo who was getting very frustrated with women testing him in the bedroom. I know that this is an area where many men constantly feel tested which leads to tons of frustration and confusion.
My response to Leo breaks down why women seemingly “test” men, what “testing” really means and how to stop the “testing” from ruining your evening. Hopefully my response will help you understand the woman’s POV so that you will no longer get frustrated or confused.
Email:
Hi Marni!
I was dating a woman in her late 30′s some time ago and she was into playing games.
The 1st time we were together, she was teasing me a lot during the foreplay, she said to me “we are not going to have sex, I’m not gonna give you oral sex, etc.” Even though she was obviously enjoying what I was doing to her.
I got tired of this situation, put my clothes on and walked to the door until she stopped me and said she was kidding.
How can a woman imagine that a man is going to enjoy a situation like this? Is this from her need to keep me on my toes? I don’t get it! Sometimes I wonder if you women think about how to please us. Are those tests or what? Thanks, Leo.
RESPONSE:
Leo,
These are not tests at all. These are boundaries and protective shields. OR try thinking of it another way. It’s a woman being sensual, sexual and seductive while still maintaining respect for herself and her body.
You have to remember that sex is very different for men than it is for woman. I know that when I start having sex with a guy, my shields are up until I have evidence that I can put them down. Safety and security are the #1 priority for women when we have sex with a new man.
To explain better I want to give you access to what goes on in my mind when I am about to have sex with a new guy. I think to myself “I can totally have a 1-night stand but will he respect me if I do? Is he using me? Will he call me the next day? What if I get pregnant? I shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t want to be seen as a whore that he can use and leave. I want to be this girl who can just let go and have fun and not think long term.’ That’s just a smidge of the many thoughts that can run through our minds unless a man is able to calm us down.
These little things that we do like “push-pull”, “saying no but meaning yes”, “being overly flirty and then not wanting to have sex” are just outward expressions of inner battles we are having in our minds. NOT TESTS.
SO instead of thinking “what a manipulative, testing bitch” think, “what could I do right now to help her calm mind down and make her feel safe and comfortable”. And before you say, “why is it my responsibility to calm her down?” I will tell you, it’s not. BUT if you want a ridiculously, amazing sexual experience with a woman, you are going to need to learn to put her first.
Here are a few simple steps for you to use the next time you find yourself in this situation with a woman.
1. Take a breath and say to yourself “she likes me but is feeling very unsettled at this moment. I want to help her feel more comfortable”.
2. Stop what you are doing; look her in the eyes and say, “I want you to be comfortable with EVERYTHING that we are doing right now. If at any point, you want to stop, we can stop. In fact, if there is anything I am doing to you that you don’t want, slap my hand (show her you slapping your own hand OR grab her hand and slap your hand) and we will stop instantly.
3. Really mean what you said. Do not punish her for being uncomfortable. Be patient.
4. Slowly get back into making out, kiss her neck, tease her and every 5-10 seconds look at her to make sure she is okay. Do this about 3 times. This will show her you mean what you said.
5. Again – really mean what you say to her. I don’t want you to use these steps to hurt women.
I GUARANTEE, that if you do what I just told you, you will put any woman’s mind at ease so that her body can loosen up and enjoy!
I also GUARANTEE that if you think about “tests” from this point of view whether they are in the bedroom, said at dinner, at a club etc… you will have more success with women.
Marni
What you should be getting from the email correspondence between Leo and myself is that women do not test; they subtly express their discomfort through indirect actions. We are not cruel and are not out to get you.
As I said to Leo, it sucks, it’s annoying to deal with and it’s not your responsibility to make a woman okay with her actions. BUT
BUT if you can be a little more patient and express a level of understanding, you will open us up, instead of shutting us down. Which in turn will lead to a deeper connection and better (kinkier) sex 
Want to learn more about Marni? Check out:
Discover The 40 Things Women Wished You Knew
That Are Silently KILLING Your Game
