How To Overcome Jealousy

I've been getting a lot of Emails asking for advice on Jealousy, so I wanted to share my opinion on the subject.

First off, this is a very difficult subject for everyone. Before I was good with women, I also had painful jealousy issues. Since then, I've resolved them and come to grips with some facts about jealousy which I hope to share with you below.

Start with the reality of the situation:

She has had sexual relations with other guys before you.

She will be with other guys after you.

This is a powerful realization.

If you are NOT exclusive, she is probably dating other men, assume that she is and do not let it bother you. If it does bother you, find other interesting women to date as soon as possible. If you are meant to be together, at some point you both will stop sleeping with other people and be exclusive.

Remember: You do not, nor will you ever, own her. If you think you can control her, she will burn you at some point.

At some point, she will definitely be attracted to other men. That is OK. That is normal. That doesn't mean anything about you.

Never try to manipulate or change her behavior. It will just create resentment. If you want her to stay with you, instead of trying to change her, make sure to stay interesting, stay your best self and keep her invested in you.

Jealousy is the one emotion that the more units of energy you put into it, the less results you get. The most success that I have ever had with amazing women was when I gave them the full freedom to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted.

They always came back to me and didn't want anyone else. The converse is also true.

Not all women are honorable. In fact, many are just as bad or worse than your buddies in terms of how faithful they are to their partner. If she shows too much interest or investment in another guy in front of you, then move on.

Also, keep in mind that women use jealousy to try to get you interested. I have seen many women that I am dating or interested in flirt with another man after hitting it off with me, just to test if I like them. The absolute best response is to encourage
that activity as it will quickly lose it's appeal and she will stop. The worst thing you can do is let it impact you and react negatively as she got what she was seeking and you are now encouraging her bad behavior which will be repeated.

Jealousy is a powerful tool and can be used effectively to generate attraction. For instance, if she sees you with another girl, she will be jealous.

Being mellow and not jealous, does not mean EVER putting up with second-class behavior. If she treats you bad in front of her friends or in public, calmly tell her that that is not acceptable.

If she chooses to continue this behavior, then dismiss her quickly with a "this is a not a good fit" and breakup.

Without a doubt, at some point she will be attracted to someone else while you are dating. This is normal human behavior. If she tells you that she is attracted to someone else, she is testing to see if you react. Your only reaction should be saying this, "If you guys are a better fit, then you should pursue being with him".

If she is actively attracted to someone else in front of you, ask her to tone it down. If she doesn't and continues to flirt or otherwise show interest and mating signals, don't take it personally, she just is more attracted to that other person and not
a good fit long term for you and you both are better off being with
someone else.

These are my thoughts - but I would love to see how others have dealt with this issue.

Bill Preston

Great post!

It amazes me how powerful a weapon jealousy is if you let it get to you, but it is so impotent as soon as you learn to ignore it.

Thank you bill this has been very insightful for me. I've had jealousy issues many times and as I was talking to Instinct on IM earlier, I see these AFCs getting a girlfriend while I'm sitting here without one.

This will definitely benefit me when I'm out with potential girls I'd like to be in a relationship with or an actual girl that I'm in relationship with in the future.

__________________
Recommended books:
Conquer Your Campus by Mark Redman

I find jealousy fascinating. It is so insidious and damaging.

Let me pose this question:

"How do you deal with Jealousy?"

Would love to hear your feedback.

BP

you 're rigth jealousy is a powerful tool

When I get jealous, I do one of 3 things, depending on my mood or how strongly I felt it.

1) I withdraw.
2) I act cool as a cucumber, pretending am not even bothered by anything.
3) I do something special for the girl.

Usually I do something special for a GF. It took years of experience to come to a place where I don't lose my cool anymore. And I think some amount of jealousy is cool. Keeps me on my toes.

__________________
~ I shall not be denied

I used to be a very jealous girl until I had a BF who was never jealous. His mantra was, he trusts me. And eventhough that relationship fizzled out, it somehow set me free of my insecurities. Now I don't get jealous of other girls anymore, no matter how hotter they may be.

I do still get jealous of a man's buddies or hobbies though as it's competition for QT. Then again, I am a pretty busy girl myself. How do I deal with it? I go quiet Good thing I don't get jealous that often anymore.

That's good to know. Some girls are not that rational enough why they seem to be a very jealous gf. I once had a gf who was very jealous with my friends/buddies. I asked permission everytime I wanna hang out with them. Sometimes, a man needs to be alone with his friends, just a plain a man's night out. And she can't seem to understand it. We often had a fight on the same issue- her jealousy over my friends. Unfortunately, we broke up because our relationship won't work that way....

Royalflash... I think having to seek her permission validated her belief that hanging out with your buds is wrong. Your relationship was doomed the minute that dynamic was set. Anyway, an ex once made me realize what bugs her when she went out with her friends and made me wait for hours for her. It's really that guys tend to forget the time when we're out so we made sure to agree on no talks, dates and what-have-you's anymore if we're hanging out with our friends.

Oh and it helps when we (girls) know who your friends are, have hung out with them as well, etc. Am not saying we should hang out in the same circle but a once in a while interaction can settle doubtful or worried minds.

Anyway, I think the more jealous people are those who fear they have much to lose and nothing to gain (like, being missed, appreciated for who they are/what theyhave, opportunity for creativity, more passionate sex, etc).

How I deal with jealousy?

I look at the big picture. Jealousy really falls apart when you think on a larger scale. Why would you feel jealous? If the relationship is monogamous then the jealousy must stem from trust issues. If you have trust issues, you need to deal with them immediately and head-on or the relationship is bound to fail anyway. Not taking action or just letting jealousy fester only makes things worse, and makes you the guilty party. If the relationship is open, you have no reason to be jealous. Otherwise you are being dishonest to yourself and to your partner. In fact jealousy is always a symptom of another problem, not the problem itself. If your partner is cheating on you (whatever that may entail from your relationship setup) then you have a right to be jealous, but once again, it isn't the problem. The problem is the cheating, or that your relationship is built on ridiculous standards. Either way, you deal with the root problem, and realize that sometimes honesty hurts. Jealousy isn't hard to figure out how to deal with, but it can be painful.

Definitely, jealousy is a very powerful tool. It can ruin one's thoughts and deter actions. It can also ruin a relationship if not controlled. I once broke up with my gf before because of her over jealousy.

When I get jealous, I:
1. Keep silent all the time.
2. Disinterest in the things around me, no matter how much fun they are.
3. When I get jealous because my gf is talking to her ex,I say, " Let's go" even if it is not yet over or we need to go to other places yet.


Sounds p*ssy but hey, that's me....

Thanks bill - jealousy has ruined most of my relationships. Ugh.