Please read, need your honest advice about a date

Hello guys,

I've met a wonderful lady online about 2 months ago. We started to talk to each other more and more openly, or to be correct, she was the one to start talking about her life and sharing her experiences with me; acting very trusting to me.

Things went on like that, and we started to date online. Most of them were fantastic and both really enjoyed them.

We stayed up some nights together and chatted to each other. Sent each other pictures of ourselves.

Later on, something very incredible started to happend; we logged in the same time, wrote to each other at the same time, thought about each other while feeling that the other one is thinking back.

At first, I wasn't very serious about her, since she would normally not be my type... but I am discovering that she actually is more of my type than I think. She might not be hot looking, but she is not ugly.

We both discussed our feelings to each other, that none of us knew what it could mean, but that we want to find out.

Okay, so I am going to write a bit about her before I go on with the things I wonder about:


She has a difficult past, been abused and hit by her boyfriends. Been forced to sex when relatively young, about 15-16.
She has been bullied a lot when she studied at school.
She was so depressed a period, that she went on and had sex with quite a lot of people, about 20.
She could be very sick, the doctors do not know yet. It should not be lethal though hopefully.
She is in her mid 20's and has almost no friends.



So the deal is: I have been giving her a lot of things, let's just say that she have had some major disagreements with some of my friends and I have been talking to both parts for a long time now and sorting their disagreements out. At first she was very careful in how she approached me with that, and saying it's hard for her to talk like that because she likes me. But after a while it became more and more of their disagreements and I started to get frustrated, and a bit sad over it. Because the problem with being the middle man in that manner is that both parties dont wanna talk with each other and sometimes u take both frustrations from them when you're trying to help them out.

She later tells me that it's her "self-defense-mechanism", that pushes away since she is afraid of new relationships and wants to know more and so on.
I can understand that, but does that justify her literally annoying and complaining behavior?

She has some issues apparently, which I do consider when thinking about her. But sometimes she was pushing the limits with me it feels.


I feel that she is a very very special lady for me, I feel that she could be my soul mate to be honest. I feel that she is so nice inside and sweet.

She has been more flirty before I could maybe say.


Something special to consider: she calls us friends, and so do I. BUT, we both agree that we could potentially become more. I have heard Sooo much on the Internet about the 'friend-zone' and it's freaky. But with her I feel that I HAVE to go through the 'friend'zone', to potentially become her partner. Do you know the feeling guys, please?

She is also quite intelligent, but dosent have a lot of confidence. She regrets her sexual activities very much, being with over 20 guys.


I can possible imagine us being together, and I can probably accept that she has been with many guys since she regrets is so much. But one thing Im not sure if I can accept is her 'complaining' behavior sometimes. Is that what all dates do?

I mean we date, despite being friends as we call each other. It dosent feel like we're friends directly, it feels we're more.


She has said that she does appreciate everything good that I do for her, but sometimes her actions speaks otherwise. Sometimes it feels like she just want to find something to pick on, or question, you know? Just for the sake of it, it seems. And that's something I don't really enjoy.

I've talked with her a couple of times about it, and she sounds very sweet and understanding over the phone. But sometimes she can be odd on chats.


I really feel that she has a huge potential guys, but I don't know what to do since I feel that I'm getting emotionally attached to her. I don't know if she feels the same for me, but I think she does but hides it. I feel that deep inside she likes me. It's a caring feeling about her that I have guys. And she cares for me too.


She has been playing a bit 'hard-to-get', maybe because we started to discuss that we could become parters. Maybe because she is afraid of new relationships and takes them with caution which would be understandable. But I dont enjoy her methods of 'pushing-away' to be honest, and I've talked with her about it as well. She seems understanding about it, but at the same time she is a bit confused it seems sometimes.




Okay guys, I really feel that she could be the lady for me. But I havent even met her, can you believe it? She has also said to me that perhaps we will become partners sometime, while we were having a chat on the phone.

What I have in mind is, perhaps I shouldn't be online on skype for some days or a week? And perhaps then she has more time to consider her attitude and think about me.


What would you guys suggest? I really don't know if I should just shut the door for the potential, because I know so little if we would be compatible. Or should I forget about my feelings for her for a while? Because I'm a bit frustrated right now, because I dont know what to do. I believe a good idea would be to take a pause from skype and come online after a week or so. And to reduce what I feel for her a bit, so it dosen't harm myself but still that I know what I feel?

I can say for sure that I'm overanalyzing. Perhaps I lack some confidence, yes.. I don't go out do bars and clubs because I don't feel that's where I can find my girl.. and for me to have sex with someone I think it has to be something more special than a one-night-stand.

I honestly don't think we're stuck in the friend zone, and we have already talked about dating IRL. I really do believe she is one of the ladies that you have to go through that zone before you can become partners with her.

The only reason right now that I'm being so kind to her is that she is ill, and things havent gone her way in life. But it's hopefully getting better for her. I just don't feel like being straight forward to her, because when I have, she has been very sensitive about it.

And yes, I haven't met her, but it's the special feeling that she could potentially become my partner that keeps me going with her. And the fact that I consider her a nice person most of the time too.

Thank you all guys for reading and I really want to read your replies!

I am really not sure if I fully understand the story behind this as some parts are confusing, but I think I have a general sense of it.

So before I give my advice, I want you to realize that you probably are completely over-analyzing things too much. Again, it isn't always the worst thing to do, but you have to realize what you are doing. You wrote quite a lengthly statement on here, clearly showing you thought about it quite a bit. So before you take any body elses advice, break it down bit by bit. Majority of the time, people already have their mind set on an answer and only ask for advice because they want confirmation.

So I will begin...

- Emotional baggage from a girl is REALLY tough to deal with. From what you say, she clearly has a lot (which I am not judging her for it, because everyone comes with a past). However, when someone lets the past control their present and future, that is NOT fair to bring into a relationship

- You guys haven't really even truly dated in person yet. So before you get head over heels, meet her first. Don't concentrate on the emotional/mysterious connection you feel with her, but just learn to have fun. I don't want to criticize too harshly, but things like Fairy Tales don't really exist. You may feel this utter great connection with her, but don't let your emotions get to your head. Just think logically. Step by step.

From what I got out of your post, there's a lot of drama you are dealing with at the moment since you have been talking to her. It's been 2 months and you still haven't met. She already complains about everything to you (and as you said, she finds things to bicker about). Is that what you really want??? Disregard the emotional connection you feel right at the moment and think logically. Say you meet up for coffee, then begin to officially date, how is she going to be any different. People do not change my friend. They may, but it is rare and it takes quite some time. Do you know how many girls I thought I had a crazy connection with (back in my younger days especially) and how many of them had this emotional baggage that they held onto and thrived on? Plenty. Do you want to know the result of those relationships? They all failed. And I was left feeeling I just wasted X amount of years or months of my life. I hate to live in regret because I did learn valuable lessons on my own. But it was always the same story with those girls, fight after fight, disagreement after disagreement, and constant pain.

- If you believe in crazy connected love and "she's the one" kind of stuff, that's great. But, don't let the idea of romanticism blind you. If you had the time to type this post, and express such emotion in it as you did, then you clearly understand that it has become a complicated issue in your life, and it's up to you to make the decision to continue or not.

My personal opinion, if it were me... I'd find another. There are hundreds of girls out there that are without the constant bickerments, arguments, disagreements, etc. ANd it is a sad thing she does have this past that she had, but do you want to carry that with you? It's on you my friend. She will just pull you into her life and her Mindset. Be your own person. Don't let anybody else change you. That's my only advice if you do go for her.

Oh, and, meet with her in person if you do decide to stick with it. 2 months is a long time to not have met and been talking online.

I really thank you for your elaborate answer!

Me and her talked about telling each other if we decide to have romantic or sexual relationships with other people, and promised to tell each other if so. And I don't believe that we would meet before 2-3 months perhaps.

She is physically ill, of cancer. And I hope that she will be cured. I DONT however judge a person by that, and I do NOT want to judge her by her past which she regrets so much of. But it's really her behavior that leads me to believe that she is somehow trying to "test" me or "provoke" me into acting bad towards her in a way, I dont know if it's true or not though.

And one thing that bothers me a bit with her, is that about 6 months ago she moved to another city, to start something new with a guy. But it did not work out for them. However, they spend a lot of time together and from what she said they are friends. He dosent know that she is dating me either, and she dosent want to let him know about it since he has some things going on and would be sad for it apparently. How would you react to such a situation guys? Please do tell.

I've told her that I don't want to start anything with her before she has finished her business with that guy, since I dont want to be unfair to him. But it seems that she has no intention of telling him about our dates and our "special connection". However, I do truly believe from how she spoke of it that she also feels the connection that we have. But I dont know if I can handle the pressure of thinking "if they are doing something" that I dont know about. She says that he is not her type, but I dont know what to expect of her really. I want to trust her, but I dont know if I can fully.


Okay, in addition to that, I have some practical questions:

How would you tell her that you want to be friends with her in a polite way that wont make her upset? Because I dont want to loose her friendship. I've felt that she needs me, and to a extent do think so now too. I've thought about saying that we should stop the romantic relationship and not promise anything to each other, based on that I dont want to be like that to the other guy. And I could perhaps say that if we're both single one day, then perhaps we could try.

It's easy for me to get emotional with her, in the sense that I want to let her know how I feel. I want to be honest with her, but at the same time I've read quite a lot of dating advice, and various techniques. I just dont want to apply them to her, she is not a sex object to me, but a 'girlfriend-material' type of lady. At least I think she has the potential for it. However I dont like the way she's acting, and I REALLY wonder if she IS like that all the time, or just because of her issues. Not sure at all. I KNOW for sure that she is trying to act cold to me sometimes, and she has told me that she does that because she is afraid of getting burned. But I dont agree that you have to act in such a manner to be cold, its not only cold its rude too IMHO. I've told her how I feel about it, but I dont think that she has made any conclusions, in a sense that she has not really changed her behavior. At the start she was REALLY worried about talking to me about those things (when she disagreed with my friends), and how she didn't want it to affect our personal things. But after a while she stopped caring about it and just complain more and more. I have though if I have done something wrong? I have helped her with almost everything and supported her arguing with my friends (she has been right and wrong). I know that it's breaking the PUA rules, but there IS a dilemma. I dont want to hurt her, she has cancer and a difficult past, and she can be VERY sensitive to what you tell her.

Considering that, how would you tell her that you dont want to date her anymore but want to be friends? Do you even want to do that? I dont know guys, please tell your opinions on the manners.

From what it seems, she has got to you more than you got to her. You seem like you are a real nice guy, and you take a lot of burden from her because you are a nice. I am sorry to hear about the cancer. That must be rough.
But other than that, to be just friends, the best way to tell her is to just tell her. Be like, I respect our friendship and would like to keep it like that. However, I know in my past, I have said that to girls and it actually made them want me more. Girls tend to want what they can't have.

From what it seems, you may have a special connection with her, but she is using you for your support because she doesn't want to put the burden on herself. That isn't always a bad thing, but don't let yourself be walked over. I understand situations arise that may be special circumstances, but you have your own self to worry about.

At this point, I am not sure what you really want from her. And considering there is another guy (that she moved to another city for), I would walk away. I personally don't let other guys bother me. However, I know it is quite difficult for people to still be "friends" after a relationship and that it takes some time. But think about it thoroughly, she moved to another city for another man? She doesn't seem like she is a grounded individual (and I do not mean this in a harsh way towards her whatsoever, and I understand she is ill and had a bad past). But that seems a little irrational to do. Individuals that are grounded and whole and emotionally healthy (btw, those are the kind of girls you want to date), they wouldn't do that. Love that you see in movies isn't real. They are made into movies for a reason, because it's fiction. I could understand moving to a city for someone if they were married, together for a LONG time, or had a kid together. But to do it, and it clearly wasn't strong enough if it didn't work out, and then stick in the city, she may not be the person for you.

If you want to be friends with her, tell her. Being honest and forward is the easiest way. It'll only get harder in the end.

Hyde,

Thank you, thank you so much. I like to think of myself as a logical person, that analyzes things, but when my heart speaks of something else than my brain, I can get confused.

I have been posting over a few dating and PUA sites about this now, but your response is the one that made me feel what EXACTLY I need to do. I feel such a relief now I believe. The only thing Im a bit worried about is if she tells me that her and the guy have had something together that I dont know about. In either way, Im not gonna try blaming her... Because if she agreed to wait doing things with guys until we met each other, and didnt do what she promised, then it's just another reason for me to tell her that our flirt could be over. But if that's how it is then I would also want to tell her that we could still be friends and that im not gonna be mad at her for it. Again, I dont know if she has and I want to talk to her about it.

Thanks you so much man. I think I will tell her that I value our friendship far too much to risk it over the flirt, because then she might actually change and let go of her "defending mechanisms" from guys, because I state that we are friends. I think that would be the best way to put it to her, in a respectful and friendly way. I think she will understand if I tell her that.

Again, thank you so much. May God bless you and yours, and everyone for that matter!

No problem, hope the best for you and your journeys.