Hi guys, I have a thread about my break up 15 days ago here
break up after 2.5years; want suggestions but I'll provide you with the background for this post. After we broke up we remained on good terms but I never (except once) initiated contact. This report is from yesterday.
It is a bit long because I wanted to get in the detail. I wrote this at 5am as soon as I got home. If you don't have time to read the whole story but would like to give some advice read the bold. Thanks.
I arrive at around 11:30 and as I walk around a corner just after stepping off the bus I see her at the opposite side of the street. She's beautiful. She's wearing an elegant black dress and shiny shoes, her beautiful long black hair held down just as I love it but best of all, she's wearing a smile. A genuine smile. The smile I fell in love with. She's with a female friend and they're walking in the opposite direction. FOr a second I thougdht 'keep walking, she looks happy' and I do. I didn't feel my best all day; I'd rather approach her when my confidence is at its absolute sky high. No. On the other hand, I should talk to her. I want to. I want what we had. I miss her. I know she misses me. I know she will smile at me. I turn around and quickly start pacing towards them. I approach from behind and in a teasing manner I put my hands in front of her eyes. She has to guess who I am. Her friend recognizes me, I smile and nod and she does the same. At the same time, my girl touches my hands trying to find out who the mystery person is. It's definitely a guy, she said, as she touches the hair on my arms. I allow her to turn around and we make eye contact for the first time in 15 days. We hug. It's a long hug. I kiss her on the forehead and then hold her tight. She starts crying and her friend decides to leave so we can talk. We all agree. I say thank you, good night and she leaves. We are somehow holding hands by now and I wipe a tear of her eye. She complains that her make up is going to smudge. Were you planning on picking up guys? I tease and she punches me on the arm like a little kid. An ioi.
I decide to lead us towards the beach where she can be free to speak her mind. It's a 6 minute walk and we're holding hands like we never even let go. It feels great. We make some small talk, I tease her' she teases me; and back and forth. It really does feel great. We get to a quiet stone bench next to the sea. I sit down and she does the same. We make some small talk about our days, what we've been up to. I try to hold a strong frame throughout the interaction. By now we can call this cuddling. I kiss her on the cheek and she comes in even closer. I immediately play the LJBF card, saying 'Do you think we can be friends?' She looks at me weird and fervently say 'Yes! Don't you want that?' We talk some more and she asks 'Why aren't you crying?' I smile and ask her 'Why are you crying?' Because I'm emotional, she responds. I stand up for a moment, take a few steps forward and she asks me if I'm leaving. I say no, but take a few other steps forward to take in the view of the calm SUmmer sea. I turn around and start going back towards her. As I get in close I notice that the label of her underwear and dress are showing so I take the liberty to turn them on the inside for her. 'Isn't it strangely beautiful?' I said. 'that we are still this intimate and comfortable after all these days?'. She looks up at me while shedding a tear, smiles and says 'Yes.' I ask her if she's still ticklish around the neck, stomach, legs while I tickle her in each of the bodyparts I mention. Then I gently begin to stroke her back, shoulders, tighs and she reciprocates. She doesn't say much about the relationship, and although this would feel good for an eternity I decide we should start walking
I stand up and say 'Let's go' so we start walking towards the bus which she has to catch. Before we leave the beach, though, she asks me if I can see 'our stars'. A year back or so, we noticed three particular stars in the night sky every time we went out and we started calling them our own. She said she still looks for them every evening.
As we leave the beach I press her towards me and she starts to cry again so we hug. I kiss her on the forehead and the cheeks. Eventually we start walking again and we go into a bar for a drink where there is always someone I know (social proof). I say a couple of hellos, introduce her, and order our drinks. 'So you are paying for these drinks?' I joke. She laughs and takes out the cash. We leave the bar and walk towards the bus. We get there and the bus is running late. 'You can go now if you want to meet your friends' she said. I ignore her. We're still holding hands and we're as comfortable as ever. I kiss her on the nose and then the cheeks but this time I get closer to her lips. I tell her to kiss me and she does. We're making out. I can feel that she's not 100% in it although it's close. So I stop and just hold her. Now she's ready to talk about the real stuff. 'You shouldn't do this' she said. 'You shouldn't tease (seduce) me like this.' I reply: "You know we're both adults.'' We start making out again and this time she's extremely passionate.
Next she starts shedding a few tears again and I wipe them off her face. I hug her. ''I hope I'm not confusing you'' she says. I ask for more detail and the actual talk begins: We had to break up because she needs to 'find herself', to 'find out who she is'. 'To be free and autonomous to pursue any adventure while she finds herself.' She feels too young for a commitment and she feels she can only commit to me entirely or not at all. How ironic that she herself brought up commitment up after a few months of us dating. I say that I understand. I cannot and will not run after her. I don't deserve to do that. I tell her that clearly we love each other though, so I'm not really sure what the issue is. I explained to her that I think that our relationship would have been better if we made a conscous decision to have some sort of life, an activity, outside of each other. And that as a couple and individuals, we should have been meeting more people. She agrees and says that however, during our relationship she focused on being extremely loyal. This loyalty; this 'gf identity' holds her back. Without anger, envy or jealousy I say 'So you want to fool around with guys?' She said no; I should know that she isn't like that. (And I know that she isn't..).
Then the bus arrived. I give her a kiss and she leans in for more. We make out, hug, walk towards the bus and kiss one last time goodbye. I walk away, she climbs on, I look back, she looks back and we wave goodbye. While I''m out with my friends I send her a text about something they said (which we were discussing) and she replies. Then a friend invited us to her house for later on this week and I texted my girl that she's welcome to join. Then as soon as she got home she texted me saying that although she likes the intimacy, it won't help her 'find herself'. I suggested that it (intimacy) doesn't have to have a title. She replied that she wouldn't be able to not commit to me. 'It's for the best if for this period in my life, I remain autonomous. No kissing.'
So there it is. We love each other but we cannot be together. I remember going through a similar phase in my life just before I met her so it's not completely out of the ordinary but how I can move on from this is beyond me. I don't want to be her friend and I cannot be her lover.
p.s. She's 21 (and a half) and I'm almost 24.
The morning after we exchange some texts. Then I sent her this email (this is a translation because English is not our first language):
Hey [teasing nickname I made up because of something that happened yesterday],
I enjoyed seeing you yesterday I think I know what you're going through because I had a similar journey just before we applied for uni. In fact that's how I found you! I hope that you find whatever it is you're looking for [nickname]. Take care and good luck xx.