Last night (8/31/12) I went over to my friend Janell's house for her preparty. The real thing is tonight and I'm hoping to make it there. I brought a friend with me who wont be named, she's the girl I lost my virginity to.The first night we spent together was about 4 months ago and since then we've had sex several times. For her we were building something and she would constantly drop hints that she wanted more. For me though, it was just practice and getting over performance anxiety. She wanted me and I just wanted a piece of her. I never wanted to talk to her unless I was setting up a way for us to have sex or I was just keeping her interested in me so that we could have sex again. Eventually I got bored and sick of having to maintain the friends with benefits scenario I had put myself in. We stopped talking until recently when we both started working at the same job. Funny thing, that's how we met, as coworkers at a job prior to this one. We stayed friendly so I invited her out last night. The main reason was to have sex with her.
Via text message we got news that a former coworker of ours had died in a motorcycle accident. The accident was around 5 o'clock and he had succumb to his injuries about 5 or so hours later when my date and I were on our way to my friend's house. A badass way to go, but extremely sad none the less. He was very positive and energetic and wont soon be forgotten. Thinking about him got me thinking about life and it hit me. Any one of us can have our lives cut short, goals left unaccomplished, procrastination and giving up would take a percentage of our lives that we would rather it didn't, at least for some. This would be true for me.
This stream of though made me look at my date, the petite and insecure British girl that I had reduced to just a piece of ass. I felt something, I'm not quite sure what, it wasn't quite guilt or unsatisfied. It was more like a feeling of time wasted taking the easy road rather than one more challenging. That was the moment when I learned something about myself. As much as I had told myself before that I am not afraid of the success I dream of and I am not afraid of living life, I realized everything I was doing contradicted that. My dreams and goals weren't organized, nor was I working towards them wholeheartedly.
I thought of the conversation Nightwolf and I had recently about the next retreat. One of the things that stood out to me was his transition from student PUA to now being a coach. He says he loves psychology, as do I, and he makes enough money to live in a hot spot for nightlife in Miami as I'd like to. The more I thought about it was the more I realized how much I wanted to do the same thing. I always had a thing for psychology, learning how people work and the things that make them tick. And I wanted to share that information with people and teach them. But because I didnt want to get into psychiatry, I didn't know how to develop and use my interest and skills in a way that I could benefit from financially as well as socially. Nightwolf's call couldn't have come at a better time because I'm lacking in both areas. I'm super broke. Also, I have a few close knit friends that I love, male and female, but not much of a social circle and all my best friends live far.
So now, my mission in life is to have my music be heard, my stories and poetry be read, and my weaknesses in women and social dynamics be turned into strengths. I wont let anything hold me back. Not anymore. I'm going to become good enough to teach this stuff and use the skills I learn from the community to help me build a name for myself; as a writer and producer of poetry and music respectively. One hand washes the other as I develop both sides.
And as for my date, I knew I didn't want to have sex with her before we were even driving down her block for me to drop her off. It was too easy and it was empty. I chose last night to take a higher road and not just take what I could get. I made up my mind that the next time I lay a girl down, it would be because I was truly attracted to her and she to me. My next lay will be one that I worked for.