WARNING: This is very long and touches upon cultural and slightly religious issues. So if you don't want to read it all just skip to the last 3 paragraphs. If you do, thank you.
I've been inactive on the forums for quite a while. I really shouldn't have been, but then again figuring out problems I've encountered on my own without always resorting for advice has been a great step for me. Although I am extremely grateful for everything the people on this site have provide, and it's changed me to be a better person.
Okay so let's start this report - context first. I'm Asian, more specifically Bengali. In my culture it's looked down upon to actually flirt, with the opposite sex if there is no marriage involved. Even with marriage it's still forbidden. However a lot of Bengali people still have relationships, they just keep it quiet.
It's looked down upon even further if the person is not Bengali, you run the risk of getting kicked out and ignored by every member of your family and relatives. Not to mention the 'disgrace' it would bring to your family name. Even though the younger generation of Bengali people are having relationships, they too tend to stick with dating another Bengali person, or they'll only push as far as dating an Indian - it's only with these cultures that Bengali kids here see it as okay. They pull a disgusted face if one says they are or have had a relationship outside of the culture especially if the person is a Westerner (European, British or American mainly). Sex let alone kissing, hell hugging as well, are absolutely forbidden, there is no forgiveness for that Bengali person were people to know.
"Face Value" or reputation of the name, is everything in this culture. The better "Face" you have the more respected you are, the less questions people will ask and the more people will look up to you. You're not even allowed to say you're unemployed, or studying subjects that are not to do with Medicine, Business/Economics, Law or (for females) Teaching. If you say something out of this, you lose immediate respect. In Bangladesh (and India to an extent) this is everything, not to mention the amount of land you own or will get directly correlates to the amount of respect you will get. Some people will just buy random plots of land and do nothing on it just to gain respect.
So because of my culture, it's actually quiet hard for me to hold/pursue a relationship with someone , especially when there's alcohol involved. As alcohol is banned in Bangladesh and Bengali's just don't drink it (yet they sell it). So when I'm in a place that has alcohol or alcohol is the main focus of the area, I am completely out of my comfort zone.
I choose not to drink either, it's something I've never done but also something I don't feel like doing. I live on my own now, in a different city, and I've never had the temptation to drink, although unlike a lot of people from my culture especially my parents - where my mother is extremely religious - I don't look down upon it.
Anyway now for the field report:
So yesterday night I decided to go out...Alone. There happened to be bar that was playing live music, so I thought, "F it, lets go". I went there, I knew no one there and I sort of froze. It was scary. This setting was alien to me, I've never been to a bar in the 19 years of my life, my friends have never gone there and now that I'm in a different city I don't have people I can consider friends. So it was different, very different...
Plus entering a place where people have come with a social group......
So I go in to this place, a guy is playing electronic piano on the stage. A person asks me to donate some money so I did (charity event). And then I sort of tried speaking but nothing came out, my mouth felt dry. So I casually walked away, I'm standing around "admiring" the music for what felt like 40 minutes (it was really 5 minutes). I tried speaking to the girl who hosted this thing, but she said one line and just walked away. Finally...I just walked out the bar, in my head I said I couldn't do it. The whole area, especially without a my own social group was far too foreign and imposing upon me.
However, it doesn't end there.
I stepped out, took a deep breath of the cool air outside. I refused to walk away, not matter how much I wanted to play Assassin's Creed 3. Started thinking...And then I stopped thinking sort of. Instead of focusing upon talking to a specific girl. I made my goal, to just make a friend female or male, didn't give a damn.
So I ventured once more in to the fray.
This time however I was armed with a more attainable goal within this alien atmosphere. I walked in, with my head help up high I reduced my fear, my anxiety, and increased my courage. Saw two girls who looked bored and said something similar to "Why do you look so bored? Don't tell me you can't appreciate good music?"
And funnily enough I had this random conversation about something with this girl I didn't know (although this for me is not hard to do, it's advancing that is). I wasn't interested in her, but just had to talk to someone to gain social proof. So I did, she gave me her name, didn't give my mine and that ended there.
I then saw two people sitting at a table, a guy and girl, two seats were free so I just sat down. I striked up conversation with the both of them. Although for a split second I felt awkward talking to them without a drink because both of them had one. I ignored it and spoke to them anyway. The girl there I had a interesting conversation with, and now that I look back on it she was clearly interested. She would laugh and do all the IOI's. For now we'll call her HB8 A. From time to time this other chick HB 7 would come to the table and I would talk to her, although this HB 7 had a boyfriend, we'll call her HB 7 BF.
Then this band came on and they would were playing Elvis songs and I started clapping to it, and this other girl was too we'll call her HB 8 B. After that she was giving clear IOI's and I really wanted to dance. So I got up took my jacket off and me and this HB 8 started dancing on the stage and we ended up kissing there too..... It was fun.
The only issue however was that, for some reason I just didn't care. I didn't really want to pursue her or anything. Yeah I kissed her and I got her number - she gave this to me because she honestly had to go. But I'm looking at this number and I just don't care. I'm not interested, plus her breath smelt a bit. It's not fear, it's just lack of empathy to be honest.
So I got off the stage, then all these people were talking to me. About 4-5 guys came up to me and said " Well played man". Three girls ( HB 7 and two other HB8's) came up to me and said " You're good at dancing" stroke up a conversation with me.
Now that I look back on it, I really should have pursued one of them.
I then spoke to the lead singer HB 8.5 of the band that was playing and I ended up K-closing her too and danced with her on the same stage. But found out she was 15 turning 16 (in my defense she looked 18) and was like .
Then came the end, and as I was leaving. I spoke to the guy and HB 8 A. I got her number and the guy added me on fb since I need his expertise on certain projects of mine. But weirdly enough HB 8 A gave me her number just like that. But again, I look at this number and I just don't care, I feel nothing from it.
It's almost over now folks, the one last thing that happened was HB7 BF started speaking to me, she said a joke and we started speaking and just joking around. And then the boyfriend came over and I could tell he felt threatened, he said some bullshit about someone needing her on the other side of the room and just dragged her away. Even though he was standing and looking at me and her for about 2 minutes. But that felt amazing, this guy felt so threatened, even though I had no intention to hit on her, in truth I was hungry and after dancing that much I needed food so I just wanted to go. But still that feeling of power was great. And I left and a lot of random people, bartenders and bodyguards said bye to me.
Overall is was okay, it could have gone better. But for a first outing it was alright. Although I am at this stage where I'm at this crossroad. I'm in between doing what the hell I want and my culture ( as well as religion). I mean I could have F-closed at least one of the HB's there, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. K-closing was as far as I would go. You see in my culture sex is also seen as something sacred, something that you should only do with one woman and that woman should be your wife. It should also only happen like 2 years after marriage. Hell you're not even allowed to say the word sex.
So I am now in this tough spot, where I'm not quite sure where to go. Although while I adore my culture, it's dark under belly has always held me back yet ignoring that dark place I felt fantastic today. A feeling of absolute power and confidence. It was exhilarating.
Over the coming days, I'm going to have to figure out what to do when it comes to relationships, the difficult choice of choosing which path I should go on, will have to be answered yet these roads are hard to choose.
One feels as if it will hold me back from my true potential, from my true self, yet the other goes against everything that I grew up with and goes against the cultural beliefs that have been ingrained to me. It's something I 'm just going to have to figure out over time. It's not to mention I think I may be developing feelings for this one girl in my class that I know of, she's Lithuanian so in the back of my head it's a cultural no. Anyway For now I want to go back out there and dominate again.