Ok gents, here is where the helper needs some help. Forum vets (you know who you are) and new people, all input is welcome. This is kind of a half-ass field report because D1 is not officially closed yet.
Some of you know that I’ve been playing the “long game” with my salsa teacher. I don’t rate this HB because it’s like trying to appraise the Hope Diamond. Nuff said.
Now this is a tough and advance situation. Why?
Obstacle #1 - This girl has a boyfriend for 2 years and she lives with him (but from what I learned she has her own bed and the relationship has run its course).
Obstacle #2 – This girl is my instructor. I am the student. So there exist what is called an “inferiority gap” In partner dancing, it is worst. A strong male lead is attractive when he can dance and put his partner in the moment. As a newbie to this style of dance, I am still a baby learning to walk and she is nurturing me. An unfortunate analogy. Secondly, she will be crossing the professional line (which so far isn’t an issue). What saved me is my passion, I'm good and a fast learner due to my dance background, and she knows.
Other minor stuff:
Obstacle #3 – This girl has lots of guy friends (but not all guy friends), and I’m sure a few waiting in the bullpen for her to be single again (nothing I’m worried about – they are all pretty much ‘friend-zoned’).
Obstacle #4 - This girl is hard to read in terms of body language IOI's. She is friendly to everyone. No temper. Always positive. No Bitch Shield. Confident. She will talk with anyone, creeps, w/e. Even with her bf, there is no public display of affection, hanging on his arm, no special attention. She treats him like everyone else. (odd!)
Needless to say, this retired PUA had his work cut out for him. (Man why the fvck do I always get the hard ones?!) Thus with all these factors, the best play had to be the long game. Try to rush it with this girl with a high risk/high reward move, I could lose her completely.
So cutting to the chase...
The details hereafter is where I am at now after months of building attraction/comfort via text and in person, etc, etc, etc. (I’ve even used some stuff I did to her as examples in various posts responding to ppl who needed help). Her interest/attraction back when we first met started off as low and slowly was built to what it is now. Better. (One day I opened my email and found out that she is following me on my defunct Twitter acct, which is under a completely different name that no one knows about. That must've took some effort/investment cuz I can't even find myself on Twitter via google search.)
I was trying to close for D1 in early Dec, but due to bad planning, it didn’t happen. The plan was to get sushi after our private lesson near the nightclub where she teaches, but there was not enough time. She foresaw it and was right. Luxury sushi is to be savored and wouldn’t want to feel rushed to make it back in time for class.
So after my 1 month vacay on an island paradise, we are momentarily reunited for a few hours before she went on a 3 day Vegas trip to get away from a bad crazy week.
On the night of her return at the club, I brought up the topic of getting sushi.
The following in-person convo comes in late and is not verbatim.
Basically what happened up to this point is the sushi idea was shot down because it sounded too much like a date when she has a bf. Looks like too much time elapsed and her logical conscience kicked in.
ME: “Well I remember you telling me last time that your boyfriend doesn’t want you socializing with other guys. Well, you are a big girl.”
HER: “Well, not for dinner. It’s different if I go with friends who I’ve known since highschool, but…”
(Well, she knows I’m not a ‘friend’ hehehe. I followed up with a BF Destroyer. Thank you Xavier!)
ME: “No I understand. He is like that because he appreciates you sooo much. He knows that he is not going to get anyone better than you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he seems very quiet and reserved. He’s not like [a mutual friend] who goes out with one beautiful woman and if it doesn’t work out, no worries, he’ll find another one right?”
She nods and chuckles.
ME: “...So your boyfriend covets the relationship. And the fact that you have many guy friends, a lot of guys aren’t equipped to handle that. He constantly feels threatened and his confidence is on the rocks because you can leave him at anytime. I’ll share you a secret about guys. This is how a guy copes with it. One - he causes drama. To the point you don’t want to deal with it. You sacrifice a big part of your freedom and identity. The other, if he has it, is he throws money at the girl like paying for her rent or taking care of her car payments. What this does is it makes a girl dependent on him and harder to leave. It might work on a girl who is materialistic and lazy, but not on a girl who is independent.”
(FYI: She doesn't know that I know that the bf pays for her rent. Note, my last sentence ‘independent’ to qualify her.)
After listening intently without saying a word, she speaks.
HER: “It’s just that [her bf name] and I have an understanding. And I just don’t feel comfortable crossing the line...But, we can get coffee.”
(Well, you know the saying that “sometimes you are so focused on a single tree, you don’t see the entire forest?” Well, that is what happened. I nearly whacked myself. WHAT A DUMBASS! I was so focused on trying to get her out for sushi, at that moment, I didn’t see that getting coffee was the classic PUA choice for a date, better than dinner because it’s less distracting. This girl just gave me an opening)
ME: *jokingly* “Well, you can’t let me see you three times a week and be a mystery to me.”
She responds with a bright chuckle.
ME: “No, but seriously, I just want to get to know you.”
(So here, I got vulnerable and honest with my intentions and...)
HER: “You can still do that over coffee.”
Ohhhh Sh!!!t! So, I agreed to coffee. DUH! Only took me so long lol. We part ways for a while dancing with other people. She introduced me to her male friend who came to visit her, a DWTS pro dancer, and we became buddies. We all left the club together and I walked her to her car. We hugged each other and confirmed to meet at 6 pm for tea (since we are both health and fitness nuts) before our private lesson.
Ok date day...
Bad news: D1 did not happen. Here’s our text exchange and why.
After 3 lines of texting...
HER: Im afraid im going to have to reschedule. I’ll still be teaching at [X] tonight but I have to ready my aunt’s website by tonite. She is in full, Colombian panic mode. Can we do coffee another time?
ME: Columbian panic mode hehe. No worries. If u need the time tonight, we can reschedule the private as well. The way it looks for me this week...Thursday is no good. My friday is booked.
HER: We’ll find time. Thank you for understanding!!
ME: Just make sure u don’t go into Columbian panic mode yourself lol. But since u r only half Columbian, I’m not too worried Take care of your aunt and c u at 8 at our regular scheduled programming.
HER: Haha nice! See you then
So I guess flake wouldn’t be the right word. This girl said it with class and still hinted interest 'we' (so here I got it easier than most guys who get flaked on). Her reasons seem legit and genuine. She even had to cancel our private. Despite this, I remained unaffected and demonstrated value hinting that I am a busy guy.
That night when I saw her she was a bit distant. She still smiled brightly at me when our eyes locked from a distance, but was avoiding me. My guess is it was a combination of her being stressed, feeling a bit guilty for not following through, and also her boyfriend came to the club. We did dance together but something was ‘off’ Not a good night. But one thing I learned - women can be like that. Hot/Cold. She is not always going to be happy with joy to see you. It's doesn't mean she likes you any less...
...Because when I did see her next week, she was back to her normal self. It was a great club night. I left the club with her and walked her to her car. (Did I mention...leaving the house with the hottest and best female salsa dancer that every guy wants to dance with is awesome!) As we goodnite hugged, I brought up the idea of coffee again. She said 'yes' and joked that 'this time someone better follow through.' She suggested a date, but caught herself because she realized she has a private lesson prior to class that day. I didn't press the issue further and let it rest.
Eventually, D1 is going to happen, I just don’t know when, but I am in no rush. But the sooner is always better.
My big question to you all is I’m going to need some ideas on other places to take her where it is less threatening to sound like a date. Gotta change sh1t up and can’t be doing coffee/tea forever. There is going to need to be some plausible deniability involved. She is a good girl and doesn’t want to come off like she is crossing the moral line going behind the bf’s back. Which is good. I like the fact that she is making it difficult. If a girl is willing to run off with another guy so readily, I’d be worried. But gonna have to start off with something less threatening for some quiet quality time and work my charms in and eventually get her on a real date. By then I hope to replace her current bf in her mind.
One plan I have is taking her to a musical. Fugging expensive, but we both love musicals. But it won’t just be us two as I will be going with my affluent friends and inviting her to come. Less threatening. And after we can break off and find a quiet quality moment.
Other than that, I’m like straining my brain. Never been faced with this before. So more brains the better.
BTW – no alcohol. We both don’t drink. We both are into fitness so avoiding food/drinks with sugar as much as possible. So ice cream is out.
Disclaimer. Women with bfs - I’ve always thread carefully (avoid gaming if at all possible), but this girl I made an exception for. There is very little we don’t have in common (same hobbies/interests/same values/self-esteem and outlook on life). To find someone with this much in common is extremely rare. It’s scary at first, but in a pleasant way. As a man, you owe it to yourself to find the best woman for you - even if it means relieving her from a lesser dude not as compatible. So I made the decision to compromise my honor.
But win or lose with this girl I’m thinking of completing a “long game” field report one day. Will I live out a real life "Dirty Dancing" movie with the gender roles reversed? Time will tell. I got one thing Baby didn't and that is PUA skillz. And no one sits I.M.Mortal in the corner!
Thanks in advance!