I love drinking alcohol, in the appropriate times/places. I only do every couple of weeks, but I've always gone way overboard with it... not out of control type, but on complete purpose type. Because I love how alcohol makes everything on a night out a bit crazier and more unexpected. Although I do game more sober than drunk, the drunk ones tend to be fucking hilarious and adventure like.. my friends refer to it as "Tucker Max" like.
Out on the college strip in our city, drinking way too much for our own good. Feeling all the vibes. I yelled at one HB8 across the bar who was eyeballing me (probably because I am insanely loud and attract a lot of attention while out), "Why the fuck are you staring at my chest woman? I have a face too, sailor" (point to my eyes with a what the fuck kind of look, and slowly turn that into a cheesy grin). First she looked scared and grabbed her friends arm, and when I smiled she began to crack up and get shy. Walked over to her and said "Hello beautiful woman I am going to marry you tonight" flirting back and forth for a bit I for some reason called her out for being underage and having a fake ID, and at one point slipped it in my wallet (but didn't remember doing this). Kissing at the bar escalation and normal game for a minute, when her friends begin to yell at her to leave with them because they were meeting their guys somewhere. I didn't mind, it was only like 11pm so I wasn't getting too attached. She begins searching for her ID as I walk away.
I literally forgot I put her ID in my wallet, and she starts yelling at me saying "wait you had my ID last I need that to get into the bar so give it back" as I am denying this and calling her a crazy ass woman, and it's probably in her pocket. Truly stating that I gave it back, as this is what I thought. Her friends are screaming at her, drunkenly: "HB8 LET'S FUCKING GO THEY'RE CALLING ME RIGHT NOW WE HAVE TO GO COME FUCKING ON" As I sit down with my friends. I look over 10 minutes later and she literally has emptied her entire purse with tons of shit all inside of it onto the sticky ass disgusting bar top.. I mean this was the Mary Poppins fucking purse. It had at least 25 cards of all sorts, tampons, pills, keys, phone, money, change, a fucking raccoon (idk if that was in there)...
She comes charging at me like El fucking Toro... and goes "you fucking have my ID I know you do give it back motherfucker" and "why would you even take it you piece of shit" she is furious. So I tell her calm the fuck down I don't have her shit. We begin arguing and out of frustration I go "okay jesus fucking christ woman I will empty my pockets and show you, I don't have your shit so you can go with your fucking friends back to crazyville" I empty my pockets.
Cell phone. Keys. Condom. Gum. Another condom. A fuck load of bar receipts. My wallet.
"See I don't have your shit jesus, now go". She begins to walk away without saying a word, confused as to where David Blaine put her shit. She turns back and grabs my wallet, opens it.. and there is her ID, right in the clear plastic part in front of mine. She drops my wallet, and not exaggerating here, she sucker punches the fuck out of me. Socks me right in the fucking nose. Goes for a haymaker/slap/55 year old woman's self defense class type punch and I catch her hand and am laughing my ass off at this point for the shear irony and how the situation flipped upside down so quickly. My friends are falling over in the booth laughing so fucking hard. I have both of her hands held and she is literally biting me and kneeing me in the balls, as I try to defend myself while not vomiting between laughs because it is so god damn funny.
Some crazy bouncer thinks I am attacking her, and picks me up, throws my ass out the back door.. and my friends run damage control and explain what happened. He comes up to me and says "alright man sorry about that, but that was too big of a scene you gotta go, I am kicking her out too". No harm done. She soon follows, and looks at me like Louis in Malcolm in the middle when her sons have fucked up. "you....." As we are laughing are asses off slow jogging away while this crazy woman chases us.
That was the first bar we went to.
Around midnight, I end up making out/dancing with a girl who turns out to be as crazy as me when she drinks. This did not turn out well for me. We end up getting raunchy on the dance floor, I tell her let's go, and drag her to the nearest bathroom. Why the women's bathroom? I don't know, but never again.
PROTIP: Take them to the men's room if you can. Women's room is not a good place unless it is completely empty.
So there is a man in the women's bathroom now. Not the reaction I thought it'd get. Women are screaming and running away, and instead of thinking "oh shit, I shouldn't do this" I think "oh perfect we'll be alone". She rips my pants off, and my fully erect dick is out, and women are still walking in to see me, pantsless, getting my knob slobbed.. right on the sink. There is no door, so others are walking past seeing this happen as well. Some are taking pics, most are laughing, some are cheering, others are making a Jumanji stampede past the door to get away. It's just a dick, but some people didn't like that I guess.
In walks the bouncer (of fuckin course). We run to the stall, and lock the door. It is open on the top and bottom, and he is screaming bloody murder at me to get the fuck out. He is taking it so far, as if this was a SWAT team hostage situation. He is attempting to shoulder batter in the fucking door, and I find humor in this so I take out my phone, and begin recording and calling him a pussy. Bad call. She is still going to town on my dick, I am filming over the door his face and telling him how much of a bitch he is, when 4 more bouncers come flying in.
It's funny, you begin to have a moment of clarity when you are cornered by 5 big black dudes in the women's bathroom who want to rip your head off because their jobs depend on it. Time to wave the white flag.
Expecting them to laugh it off for some reason when I say I surrender and I will leave... nope. At this point I have insulted their egos too much, and they are pissed. They each grab a limb, lift me up in the air as I still record, and I am yelling "Lift me up you fucking peasants, I own this town".
They full on, Jazzy Jeff me out the front of the fucking door, and my phone goes flying. All on the video. I do about 2.5 somersaults, land on my knees, look up and there is Officer Johnny. In his New York accent he goes "get the fuck outta heya". Sober me would say "yes sir, no problem officer" and make a B line for the nearest exit.
What do I do? Begin filming him, asking for badge numbers, lying about which officers I know on the force, etc.
He took it pretty well, and knew I was just incredibly drunk at the time. My friends run more damage control, laughing their asses off, and I end up calling the blowjob girl over later that night after we get home.
With great power in PUA comes great responsibility. You gotta be careful with the extra load of confidence and ability to get women, it can get you in a load of shit.. but it will always be fun.
Anywho my bday is next week, so stay tuned for another ridiculous adventure that will ensue.