Ok guys, i have finally decided that its about time i came clean about things which have been really really been bothering me for the last 8-9 months.
This has been one hell of a wild ride for me. I dont even know where to really begin but right now at this stage in my life i am very very messed up and i cant even think straight or keep my head up high at all even for one second. All of this is the result of an insane crush that i have had on a girl, a freshie 5 years junior to me. I feel so gay and feel like such a !@#$% for what i have done and gone through.
Il do what i do best, narrate this entire experience while covering up the real identities of people and myself in this scenario.
A- the girl i had a crush on, 5 years junior
B- my closest friend in college, someone i used to confide everything in regarding all issues in my life
C- another friend of mine who used to be in my college but left later on
D- Same as C
E- a friend in college with a fiance also in the same college (2-3 years junior to him)
F- my friends fiance
G- my friend B's closest female friend
H&I- my ultra positive, ultra daring, super positive pathan friends not in college
J- my baby sister who had 17 mutual friend's with A on fb but didnt know her personally
K- my super hot RJ friend, the most social guy in my entire class
Before this experience, i had a very simple laidback approach to life. I would never ever give a #$%# about girls. My plan was to just remain focused on my studies, then my career and eventually when i got to a stage where i could support both myself and another person in my life, i would give my parents the go ahead and they would start looking for a bride for me.
As far as girls are concerned in my view, there are 3 types of girls in this world.
1) The extremely hot, sexy ones, the one's who always dress well, revealingly. You cant stop taking your eyes of them whenever they are around, but deep down you always feel she is either a slut/whore, high maintainence, too demanding, will come with a lot of baggage, not very loyal and hence you will never develop that soft emotional attachment for them and thus apart from sex you really dont want anything from them. Bottomline, out of sight, out of mind.
2) The average looking girls. Not very special looking, ninja's, conservative type, reserved, not very dynamic, shy e.t.c. These girls will either be your peers, you can become good friends with depending on certain factors. But you will rarely feel for them in that special way and will at best just be nice friends with them.
3) Finally the nice, cute looking ones, whom you just see for the first or second time and just develop an insane curiosity over because of the good first impression you get for e.g. she doesnt look like a slut, she dresses pretty decently compared to other girls, looks innocent e.t.c. You develop an insane emotional attachment and this is extremely dangerous unfortunately as i have learnt of late.
Anyways, i had this approach towards my life at the start of my final year in college. But everything changed when i saw this girl who was a freshie, 5 years younger to me. I saw her for the first in the month of September, then everytime i saw her i couldnt stop catching glimpses of her.
This did bother me a touch, i asked myself what the hell is wrong with me? Why am i thinking about her 24/7 even when i dont see her, i dont know her? Obviously, yet another crush in my life and this time i was determined to actually get something done about it.
I told my baby sister J first in October because i found out A's real name and the school she came from thanks via facebook. She and my sister went to the same school, was 2-3 years older than my sister. So my sister checked and found out she had 17 mutual friends with her on fb. So i asked her to some how hook me up with her. I could see my sister was a little bit uncomfortable as she didnt know this girl at all and that she felt uneasy, under pressure to do this. In a few days she tells me that she feels the girl isnt right for me and that i should forget about it. I tried to accept it for a few days but it was really bothering me how can i just let go give up, without even trying to speak and get to know this girl.
The next person i told was my friend B in late October, we used to joke about it together and laugh about potential scenario's that could happen. Both didnt know *** to do. All this while, i was #$%# scared and didnt know what to really do, didnt have the balls to actually go upto this girl and randomly start talking to this girl on my own, i just really didnt know what to say, how to really succesfully go about it.
By November, i told my other friends C&D, who used to be in my college but later left for other reasons. I told them about my situation, my crush and the fact i didnt know what to do about it and they gave me the following suggestion. That i should get in touch with my friend E and his fiance F. According to them his fiance F would be better able to guide me as girl what to do in this situation, she could even try to help out by trying to befriend A and then arranging for some chance encounter b/w me and A and then from there it would be my game.
Before i go on, a brief background into how E and F got together. E even today is still a very shy introvert, he himself had a crush on F like 2 years ago but was in a similar situation like me, didnt know what to do, how to go about it, he didnt even back himself to get her, everytime we would discuss this, he would be like no she is going to reject me. Anyways my friend D, asked his girlfriend who was in the same college back then, to go befriend, talk to F, tell her about E's feelings towards her and #$%#. F was like very negative about the whole thing early on, she demanded some time to think about the whole thing, then like one day she tells the girl ok call E over. I remember that day lol, E was very very nervous, he was shivering, shaking but we all pushed him to go upto her and he did. The both basically exchanged email addresses that day. F was not a very social person btw, certainly not with guys, she used to sit alone with one best friend and that's it. She had never been in a relationship before. E was probably the first strange male she was adding on MSN. But apparently everything worked like Cuckoo, they somehow got to know each other through frequent interactions, eventually exchanged phone numbers and are now engaged and they plan to be married by next year.
This was the thinking behind this whole plan of asking F to try and somehow help me out in this situation.
During this entire thought process, i missed out on a golden opportunity that once came my way all because i was just not mentally prepared i had to do this all on my own. I was studying once in the college library and then out of nowhere, unexpectedly she comes to the library and is studying and most importantly she is alone. And i couldn't grow a pair of balls to go up to her to start some sort of a conversation with her. This happened sometime in December 2009 and i regretted that day for a long long time as i never got the same opportunity ever ever again.
Anyways, by the middle of Jan that semester came to an end and i also temporarily got bogged down by studies and exams. During the semmester break, i finally told E about my crush and he was like yeah fine, he'l tell F to help out. I did tell him in advance that what worked for him, might not work for me because this time the girl is a bit different, she is not exactly as shy as F was, there are some guy's she socializes with, plus she is not exactly the conservative type either but all my friend's from B,C,D and E were like no this is the best course of action right now so you just sit tight and they were like its time to first find out whether F had any common contacts with this girl. I had told everyone no, this is a completely different case, there are no common contacts and they still all arrogantly played my concerns down and #$%#.
Deep down i was very apprehensive about the whole game plan, i was very worried that its either not going to work, the people involved wont really give a #$%#, do the hard work that is necessary because they really had no real stake or motive to help but i still went along with it because i couldn't think of a better alternative.
Anyways, my final semester started in Feb and it was a very very frustrating experience for me, seeing E and F behaving as if they forgot that i was actually going through something. They never came upto me early on and mostly busy with their own lives which is fair enough but i was like cmon i have been your college friend for like 6 years, have done so many favors unconditionally for not only my friends but even people i wasn't that cool with and in this one period when i need a huge favor from someone, people are letting me down big time?
I told my close friend B to like help out to arrange a meeting with E and F and so that we can have something like a round table meeting about how we will go about this whole thing. So finally in Mid Feb, we got that meeting and both E and F were like so negative about the whole thing from the beginning. "Dont you think your out of her league, don't you think she's been around, do you think you can satisfy her demands, don't you think she looks very high maintenance e.t.c". Both B and I told F look i just want to get to know her, you cant make a judgment on someone unless you have at least interacted with them. F looked very apprehensive and felt under pressure, overburdened and at one point she was like "Look il just go upto her and tell her everything", Now that scared the #$%# out of me because it clearly gave me a signal that she wont really do the hard work that is required and even B told her that's not the right approach and the better approach would be to get me introduced to A first and me after getting to know A would be in a better position to decide whether she is all who she is or no e.t.c.
But personally after this meeting with F, i had that deep down gut suspicion she will be a total failure at this task. So after discussing with B, he also felt its probably a good idea if he told a really close female friend of his G, who was my class mate and also knew me, to help me out in this situation as she was also quite social.
So basically my friends by mid feb told me to sit tight, relax, not worry about a thing, they would try to do something and i could finally get back to focusing on my CFA level 2.
Though i had my suspicions, little did a realize for the most frustrating experience i would have to go through in this time period from Feb to March 2010. I even gave both the girl's A's time table so that they had all the info they needed.
Guess what, nothing happened, no body really did a thing seriously. Both F and G went about their daily routines as if i had no issue at all. It was so humiliating for me to have to remind these people who i felt were my good friends, people who i had done a lot of favors, about my thing.
I kept unloaded to my friend C at shisha at night every day about my frustrations about no progress being made at all, me just sitting on my ass not getting anything done, not being able to focus on my studies for CFA level 2. Also kept on discussing these things on the phone and Sms with my friend B and he kept on telling me to relax, be patient and he would ask G what was really going on.
Finally B got back to me and she was like G was complaining that she never found A in the prayer room, or when the bus service left college. And i was like are u serious? All this while G was expecting to find this girl in these areas? Did she even bothering reading the time table or all the background info i gave on her? At this point i was pretty disillusioned.
I asked E about F's progress and he more or less gave me the same #$%# that they were unable to find any common contacts and i was deep down thinking while listening to him "No #$%# man, didnt i tell you 2 from the beggining that there wont be many common contacts, this is a different case study altogether and then he also gave the prayer room excuse as well".
All this came out by the start of April and i had just 2 months left. I couldn't get any studying done for my CFA level 2 because i was so preoccupied by all this. I couldn't live with the thought of not having done anything about the 3rd crush of my life. I just finally gave up studying and realized that there is no real choice but to do this whole thing on my own somehow.
Now for some even more frustrations. In order to approach her on my own, i needed to stick around college whenever she was around. I used to be in college from 8:30 in the morning till 9 at night every single day 6 times a week and yes i chose my courses in a way that i would be around whenever she was in college.
I tried my level best not to stalk her, i knew i couldn't afford to but i couldn't afford to not be around when she was in college. I had to do something to create some sort of an opening. On Monday she would only have one class and i would be busy with my class at that time, so by the time i was free she would most of the times have left campus.
On Tuesday, she had only 2 classes and there would be a six hour gap in b/w those 2 classes and it would always be very difficult to find out where was on campus and of course i tried to be very careful not to stalk her.
On Wednesday she again had 2 classes but this time gap b/w those classes was like 10 hours and she would mostly go home. Thursday timetable same as Monday, Friday's timetable same as Tuesday and Saturday's timetable same as Wednesday.
This was probably even more frustrating than even relying on F and G. I could never ever find her alone, she would always be with her friends, classmates or a couple of senior students she apparently knew from high school or was impressed by because of either their social skills, their guitaring abilities e.t.c.
I didnt have any mutual friends with her at all, i didnt know her friends, no one in my class knew anyone from their batch. I just didnt know how to get into their group, introduce myself and be natural. I was really nervous if i just went up to their group so randomly just like without any reason whatsoever, it would look so awkward and obvious.
I was facing the dark reality that my lack of social skills and my lack of confidence was finally costing me when i needed to be at the top of my game.
By the start of May, after i followed her to the canteen, i had 5-10 seconds with her when we were both in the canteen and i just froze, completely froze and then i lost that opportunity. In the same day i had received 2-3 job rejections as well, i was totally out of it so depressed.
I was lying down on the garden where i just started talking randomly out of the blue to my RJ classmate K who btw is extremely social and confident, speaks very very well. I always used to feel that this guy is very arrogant, cocky and will always look for excuses to make fun of the innocent and weak. Anyways i was so depressed, messed up, struggling for answers, i finally told him about the whole thing i was going through and he explained a lot of things to me about girls and that i should have told him a lot earlier as it normally isnt easy to do things like this on short notice. Anyways K was the most confident and the most supportive and positive guy i discussed this whole thing with in college.
Anyways, by this time i was pretty disillusioned by my entire scenario, situation, the lack of support by my friends at college and just overall helplessness. It really helped to get in touch with old high school friends, i started meeting these two guys H&I who were since they left Karachi for Dubai (have had like 12-15 gf's by now). These guys just pumped and charged like nothing before "Why are u being such a fag, *****, just go up to her fearlessly, start talking to her, dont worry about a thing, if she rejects you, dont worry, you'l find someone else tommorow". I really connected with these guys of late and really admired their fearless, ultra positive attitude towards girls.
During this time i was shooting for advertisement in college in which i was the main subject, having to wear headphones in the scorching sun. Basically we were trying to promote sound proof headphones. A saw me that day, she was very amused to see me in that get up, she was with her classmates and her classmates apparently came upto me with a video camera in hand and started video shooting me themselves.
I also heard of a rumor that she was going out with someone else. I was like of fine, i just want to you know atleast get to know her e.t.c.
Anyways, i found out that this girl's birthday was coming up close. I just had to do it, i grew a pair, and i approached her from behind. It was so #$%^%$# awkward but i just said hi to her and she reacted as if she got spooked, then i was like whats up, and then while seeing a report in her hand i asked her whether she had a report or presentation due? and then she was like "Do i know you?" to which i cheekily replied "Not yet" and then i asked her where she went to highschool to which she responded affirmatively. Before i could ask anything else, she mentioned she had to go and just quickly got out of there, she did turn around briefly and i was punching the walls, kicking in frustration at this whole screw up
Since that day, A has made sure she was never alone whenever i was around, always surrounded by friends or other guys. She has never even looked in my direction, nor smiled or given any indication of me being welcome to approach her, greet her or whatever.
Most of my college friends have given up on me. B was of the opinion that i should have just forgot about it, not even try to speak to her again and not even apologize to her for anything. C feels i should just go up to her, ask for her time even if she is not alone and apologize to her for everything and move on. D has been unreachable during this time but when i got in touch with him later on, he was like that encounter wasnt so bad at all and that i should try to speak to her again. F was like you know you should have tried to target her friends and #$%#. K has been cool about the whole thing like its no big deal, just relax, chill out and be natural. My baby sister J has been so disgusted and dissapointed in me, she tells me of every second day for everything i have done.
H&I were so ultra positive, they didnt even see anything wrong with my encounter with her at all that day in comparison to most of my college friends. They wanted me to approach her again even if she was with her classmates, friends and continue on.
Then a few days later i heard through a source that she felt i was stalking her, so i sort of freaked out at what i had become and i decided i have to remain low and just calm down, keep a low profile. So i ignored her till the time college ended.
Anyways, against the advice of most friends, 3 days ago i wrote a fb message to her where i introduced myself, spoke about that day when i approached her, apologized for freaking her out and giving a messed up impression, tried to calm the situation e.t.c. But she hasnt responded and now i am not expecting anything and i feel so embarrassed for this entire episode.
This overall has been right up there with the most messed up experiences i have gone through in my life so far. I have been very very down, depressed, havent been able to think positively, clearly with a clear head.
My relationship with my friends, peers, family have suffered. I cant connect with a lot of people right now. I am already pissed of at E because for someone who has been my friend for the last six years in this college, i certainly didnt appreciate the fact he has been totally ignorant, hasnt even once come up to me to ask me how i was doing when he knew exactly what was on my mind. I feel totally betrayed at F for not the fact she failed to help me but the way she just went about the whole thing.
Most worryingly i am afraid my relationship with my really really close friend B just might take a hit too because for the past few days he has been constantly telling me that the whole thing was my fault, i freaked her out, she is justified in ignoring me like this, i am responsible for everything and back then when i was struggling to know what to do, he never suggested anything, he himself admits he himself didn't know what to tell me to do , not to do and what has mostly shocked me is the fact that this guy is just not really understanding what i am really going through, how i am feeling at the way the whole thing turned out.
I haven't been posting over here for god knows how long because i have been so caught up in this crap. College is over now, i can finally sleep and wake up at my own time. I have just recently rejoined my gym and thats where i take my frustration out.
I dont really know what to do from here on, i know my pursuit of A is a complete dead end right now. Its best to let her go, i have screwed up and some mistakes are just impossible to rectify no matter how hard or sincerely you try.
I really dont know how to put the lessons i have learnt from this entire experience down on a piece of paper. I really want to become a better person and to move from strength to strength. I am coming clean with this because i want a new perspective, i am sick and tired of confiding in the same set of people only and honestly one golden thing i have learnt from this experience is that sometimes your just better of dealing with your own stuff on your own. I know I don't sound very sane right now, I cant really think straight, I am hoping some wise heads here can talk some sense into me.