Every so often, I crawl out from under my mid-twenties rock to see what the young folks are up to. And I can't help but ask adolescent girls all across this great nation: W?T?F?

I mean, really, ladies: The Jonas Brothers? Is this what passes for male heartthrobs in 2009? David farkin' Cassidy was tougher than these guys. Who put the Disney channel in charge of doling out cute boys? Between them and that guy who manages to make men in mascara suck, I'm thinking we should let Nickelodeon take a crack at it.

Back in my day, we liked men. MEN, dammit. Criminal records. Accents. Maybe a heroin addiction. My barely pubescent crushes made no pretenses of wholesomeness (OK, except maybe when they did Tiger Beat.) Johnny Depp wrecked a hotel room, put on a dress and farked every hot actress from Winona Ryder to Vanessa Paradis. Liam Gallagher couldn't get his sh1t together to save his life. Tupac got himself killed! THOSE are crushworthy dudes.

When did the hot boys become... chicks? They're all virginal (not in the wink wink sense, even) and about as exciting as paint chips.

Where is the fun in crushing on a bunch of brothers who sport promise rings and act responsibly? And what is with this Twilight bullsh1t? I thought this generation was all postmodern and had given up on Prince Charming and abstinence tales. You've got the rest of your life to be married to Mr. Responsibility, girls. Don't waste your youth pining for boys that your mother would like.

Is wholesomeness the new... black, or whatever?

Ugh. Gaze upon Certified Real Man, Clive Owen, and tell me everything will be all be alright.