The prefix A, meaning without, combined with Phobic [or phobia] meaning fear. Without fear.
Previously I've been afraid of nothing. Now I'm horribly scared for my life and don't know what to do.
Recently I've been pretty emotionally detached with women and it's been working out for me. I've tried not to be and wanted to feel, but I don't. Last girlfriend I had was cute, fun in bed, and fun to be around. I did stuff she ended up being into and she always had a little insight on these things that made it more fun. She was into a few things that I'd never seen before and added more fun stuff to my life too. She eventually broke up with me cause her dad was racist. I was only upset that people are still like this. More of a moderate annoyance.
At this point I'm not getting laid and don't care. I'm not actively seeking out women. I didn't get laid again for about 7 months and it wasn't a big deal at all. Apathy is the path to happiness I used to say. It's not. I know this and want to break away from it but no one I meet makes me feel.
Then there's Amy. A girl I dated for 3 days. Closest I got with her was seeing her topless. I've skipped out on getting laid 7 or more times to go hang out with her knowing all we were going to do was watch a movie, or go to the park, or even something really fucking boring that I didn't care to do, or [insert something that doesn't involve sex, kissing, or even cuddling]. I still would rather do nothing with her and not get laid than hang out with the hottest girl I've ever met after she makes it clear she wants to fuck my brains out.
Amy made me depressed because I don't know how to get her. She literally [and figuratively at the same time] broke my heart [the literal part is where it's broken, heart being figuratively the heart (your feelings and emotions)]. I don't feel anymore because of her, except for with her. I can't fucking have her and don't feel anything for anyone else but her.
So I stopped talking to her, cause I ended up getting hurt ALL THE TIME.
I ran into her again. I tried to avoid her, but go sucked in and spent the whole day with her and loved every minute of it. I walked her home and went to kiss her and she said no. I still had a lot of fun with her. Then I started to feel depressed again.
I went back to michigan [she's in ohio where I used to live, I was down there to help my sister move]. I ran into a girl at a skating rink [haven't go skating since I was 19 or 20, I'm 28]. And the girl I met at the rink thought I was pretty cool and my feelings weren't broken anymore.
Like before amy I started to feel something for her, like I would any girl. Then I got terrified. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to get attached. I'm afraid. I don't want to feel. I figured, fuck it, I'll chat with this girl cause I'm more afraid of amy than anything else in life. And she wasn't interested and I shut down and cried [when I got home... but it was very very difficult to hold the tears in on the way].
I could only think of amy. It's been 5 years of running away from her and not feeling anything for anyone else. and the first girl I feel anything for, just slightly, it's hell.
I'm afraid to get hurt. I'm afraid to feel. I"m terrified of amy.
I'm not used to fear. If you asked me yesterday what I'm afraid of, I would try to think of an answer to be both polite and not look like I'm bragging or boasting. But the answer truely would've been nothing. Not death, not guns, not pain. NOTHING.
The only person I had to talk to about this tells me to go for it and talk to amy. I don't know what to fucking say. I'm horrible with girls. I've tried this pua shit and I'm pretty goddamn bad at it. I don't care 99.99999999% of the time. I only care about not getting the girl when it's someone like amy who I'm in love with. The girl I'd drop everything just to go help her clean her house and go home without even getting a hug.