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  1. #1
    Jaz
    Jaz is offline PUA in Training
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    Default May never get my oneitis Ė and I had the chances!!!

    Hi all,

    What Iím about to tell you is really all true, though it may seem fucked up. There is this girl whoís been working in the same office as me for around 10 months now. To tell you everything thatís happened would be too long and convoluted (there are a few posts of mine from the last few months that detail a few things, if youíre interested). I know this sounds fucked up but she has long term, long distance boyfriend, though they did split up once. We got on really well etc, talked loads at work, loads of emails and loads of IOIís from her over the months. When she has been really drunk on a night out she has kissed me on the lips more than once (at most 1-2 seconds) and thereís been other clear IOIís. To summarise everything up, I clearly had several opportunities to get her but due to my severe lack of experience and stupidity, I didnít take them. Now Iíve got a new job in a totally different city and will be leaving my current place of work in 2 weeks. This means that after 2 weeks it will be all finished for good.

    Now Iím pretty damn sure this is a oneitis given how much this has consumed me over the last few months and how bad itís making me feel. However, it is a oneitis not in the sense of wanting a LTR with her - but about wanting her, wanting something Iíve wanted for so long and how it will fuck up my confidence even more if I donít get her. It is clear from her behaviour that she is not relationship material but that hasnít stopped me from wanting to have her (nail her to put it crudely).

    Obviously Iím writing this in the hope something might happen within the next 2 weeks before I leave, but realistically I need to know how to deal with this and change my mindset. In my mind I know it was obvious I should have got her in the past. I kept thinking I really should be getting her, and that if I donít get her before I leave, I will feel so much regret and pain because itís something that I want so badly and had the chances to get. But this mindset made it even worse and it consumed me so much that it has almost become an obsession.

    My game has completely gone out the window (assuming I had any in the first place) and there is no doubt my recent AFC behaviour has hampered my chances. The problem is though that now if I still focus on getting her, the pain will only get worse and it will be harder to get over if nothing happens. What I need to do is genuinely change my mindset so that 1) If nothing happens it means these next two weeks and beyond will not feel like hell and 2) It may give me a better chance in these final two weeks with her.

    I know this may sound like itís just a crush etc, but I have genuinely never felt like this in my entire life and Iím 29. To be honest, I donít know why Iím feeling this so deeply.

    Any advice?

  2. #2
    Yolo007's Avatar
    Yolo007 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: May never get my oneitis Ė and I had the chances!!!

    I think your self assessment is pretty good. You spent too much time on one girl and you missed your chances while you had them. You may have had a chance in the past but not anymore. The most important part you can take out of this is to learn from your mistakes. You seemed to have been doing fine in the beginning besides not seeing the opportunities and capitalizing on them. And never fall for a girl unless you're in a relationship with her you come off as needy and no one wants needy.
    In life you get what you put into it.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: May never get my oneitis Ė and I had the chances!!!

    I think another thought within your mindset that you should reconsider is "finished for good." The older I get the smaller the world seems. It's true that you may never talk or see one another again, but that's no reason to think in absolutes, especially regarding women. There is a very real possibility that you could remain in, or re-inniate, contact. I'm not trying to build your hopes up, just to instead persuade you not to deal with women in such strong absolutes. You'll burn a lot of bridges that way; not to say there's anything wrong with burning bridges, just make sure you've built new ones.

    If you want to change your mindset, go out and meet more women. It's ok to lower your standards for practice's sake. Accept that what happens with this girl does not define you. You are giving her far too much control.

    If you so firmly believe this is your last shot, ask her out. And if you successfully change your mind on that stance, ask her out anyway. It will be good for you, regardless of the outcome. It's a win/win learning experience. The only way you can possibly lose it by doing nothing--and then letting that define you.
    Wondering where I am now? Check out my latest project:


  4. #4
    Jaz
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    Default Re: May never get my oneitis Ė and I had the chances!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by mr.onethousand View Post
    I think another thought within your mindset that you should reconsider is "finished for good." The older I get the smaller the world seems. It's true that you may never talk or see one another again, but that's no reason to think in absolutes, especially regarding women. There is a very real possibility that you could remain in, or re-inniate, contact. I'm not trying to build your hopes up, just to instead persuade you not to deal with women in such strong absolutes. You'll burn a lot of bridges that way; not to say there's anything wrong with burning bridges, just make sure you've built new ones.

    If you want to change your mindset, go out and meet more women. It's ok to lower your standards for practice's sake. Accept that what happens with this girl does not define you. You are giving her far too much control.

    If you so firmly believe this is your last shot, ask her out. And if you successfully change your mind on that stance, ask her out anyway. It will be good for you, regardless of the outcome. It's a win/win learning experience. The only way you can possibly lose it by doing nothing--and then letting that define you.
    Hi mr.onethousand, thanks for your answer. Yes, I do think realistically this is my last shot. You're right about going for it. Whilst it wonít prevent past regret, it will hopefully limit any further regret. This is where it gets complicated now though as she knows I clearly want her. My actions (mostly AFC) in the past couple of months have more than demonstrated this. Itís when she is drunk that I have had the real opportunities with her (like heavy kino from her, she kissed me etc and even got me to lick her arm once after I spilt some drink on it Ė yes I know it sounds farked up!). When she is sober there are still IOIís from her etc but more mild, and the kino is far milder too. Itís like when she is sober she realises she has a boyfriend and thinks to herself she doesnít want to cheat on him. But when she is drunk, she just doesnít care. Itís bizarre if she is genuinely trying to fool herself when she is sober, as she has been all over me in the past when drunk etc. Due to this, I have a feeling that if I went for it when sober it would probably end in rejection. My real opportunity is when she is drunk on a night out after work and I guess Iíd have to escalate like crazy (something Iíve never done with her before) and go for it. The problem is, there are only two potential opportunities for this, next Friday night (assuming she comes out with my other colleagues) and my work leaving do the Friday in 2 weeks. However, as mentioned, I canít focus on these 2 nights as it puts more pressure on myself and makes me more depressed. Worse, if I go into those nights with excitement/hope and nothing happens, it will be so depressing and painful itís not funny.

    So I have three options:

    1) Do absolutely nothing, who knows if I can do that and probably not the best option to pursue as it would probably exacerbate my regret.
    2) Ask her out when she is sober but with a higher probability of rejection.
    3) Wait for those two potential nights out with her when she will be drunk and go for it then. However, this comes at a huge cost of having this whole situation consume me to the extent where it becomes an obsession and I become even more depressed. Not to mention how Iíd feel afterwards.

    Overall, what you said about "accepting what happens with this girl does not define me" is so true. Hopefully, given time these negative feelings and regret will fade.

  5. #5
    Yolo007's Avatar
    Yolo007 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: May never get my oneitis Ė and I had the chances!!!

    Wait a minute... do you hear yourself right now. Your saying the only way to get her is to wait until she's drunk so you can fark her and end up in a relationship with you. This is going to back-fire on you. Like written in one of Bill Preston's articles there's a few scenarios that'll go on.

    1. Bad News Scenario Number One.
    So, in scenario one, what usually happens is promises to leave her guy for you go on and on. And on. This could go on for years. In fact, in many relationships it does. Who loses? Not usually her. It’s usually you. You end up wasting time you could be spending with a woman completely and one hundred percent devoted to you.

    2. Bad News Scenario Number Two.
    In scenario number two, she claims to leave the other guy, but continues to see him behind your back. If she gets caught, she breaks down and says she just feels sorry for him or that she still has feelings for him (but not as strong as her feelings for you) or that she’s letting him down gently. Whatever the excuse, the fact is she’s cheating on you with her ex.

    3. Bad News Scenario Number Three. She does really leave her boyfriend for you. You become a couple, but eventually the relationships disintegrates because you realize you can’t trust her because you’ve seen her lie to another guy’s face. How do you know she isn’t doing the same thing to you? You split up because one of the crucial factors that makes a relationship work — trust — just can’t be a part of this relationship.

    4. Bad News Scenario Number Four. In this scenario, she again, really does leave her boyfriend. You fall hard for her. She is everything you ever dreamed of having in a girl. But then, whammy, one day she either gets caught cheating on you or she dumps you for another guy. Because that’s how she is. You couldn’t change her. She’s one of those girls who craves the high of a new relationship and will never be happy. You are heartbroken.

    I know what you want but you're not gonna get it this way, and even if you do you won't be happy about it. I wouldn't even bother a last attempt in this cause one-its is a bad disease that will consume you if you're not careful. But most importantly you can do better that that for yourself.
    In life you get what you put into it.

  6. #6
    Jaz
    Jaz is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: May never get my oneitis Ė and I had the chances!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Yolo007 View Post
    Wait a minute... do you hear yourself right now. Your saying the only way to get her is to wait until she's drunk so you can fark her and end up in a relationship with you. This is going to back-fire on you. Like written in one of Bill Preston's articles there's a few scenarios that'll go on.

    1. Bad News Scenario Number One.
    So, in scenario one, what usually happens is promises to leave her guy for you go on and on. And on. This could go on for years. In fact, in many relationships it does. Who loses? Not usually her. Itís usually you. You end up wasting time you could be spending with a woman completely and one hundred percent devoted to you.

    2. Bad News Scenario Number Two.
    In scenario number two, she claims to leave the other guy, but continues to see him behind your back. If she gets caught, she breaks down and says she just feels sorry for him or that she still has feelings for him (but not as strong as her feelings for you) or that sheís letting him down gently. Whatever the excuse, the fact is sheís cheating on you with her ex.

    3. Bad News Scenario Number Three. She does really leave her boyfriend for you. You become a couple, but eventually the relationships disintegrates because you realize you canít trust her because youíve seen her lie to another guyís face. How do you know she isnít doing the same thing to you? You split up because one of the crucial factors that makes a relationship work ó trust ó just canít be a part of this relationship.

    4. Bad News Scenario Number Four. In this scenario, she again, really does leave her boyfriend. You fall hard for her. She is everything you ever dreamed of having in a girl. But then, whammy, one day she either gets caught cheating on you or she dumps you for another guy. Because thatís how she is. You couldnít change her. Sheís one of those girls who craves the high of a new relationship and will never be happy. You are heartbroken.

    I know what you want but you're not gonna get it this way, and even if you do you won't be happy about it. I wouldn't even bother a last attempt in this cause one-its is a bad disease that will consume you if you're not careful. But most importantly you can do better that that for yourself.
    Hi Yolo. If I did want a relationship with her, then yes those scenarios would be 100% true. Believe me, I genuinely believe I just want to fuck her and get her out my system. It feels like it would get all this pent up emotion out of my system if I did that.

    I'm rational enough to realise that I would never want a relationship with her as I could never trust her, and therefore nothing could ever work. I think this would definitely be one case where the brain would overrule my dick/emotions etc.

  7. #7
    Yolo007's Avatar
    Yolo007 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: May never get my oneitis Ė and I had the chances!!!

    Then by all means go in for the kill haha
    In life you get what you put into it.


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