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  1. #1
    Paul34 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Help! Seperated but new girl wants to take it further and i do too but ?

    Can anyone offer any advice please? Not sure if this post is appropiate for this section but i need help.

    I have been married for 6 years and we have a 10 month old son who we both love very much.

    Myself and my wife cannot be in the same room without getting into heated disgussion I always make sure this is away from my son as i dont want him to be in that kind of enviroment. We are pretty much seperated but still live together. We havnt had any physical contact for almost a year now but we reamin together for my son's sake.

    I have recently started to try and get back into the game and without knowing it i seem to have met a HB.

    I have been freinds via the internet with this beautiful lady for over a year now and in the past 3 weeks this lady has basically expressed that she wants to take things further and be more than freinds.

    I really feel this girl but i dont want my wife hurting.

    The new girl said whe would like to see me in person and i would love to also although we have not set a meet yet.

    Im a little confused as what to do i care about my wife and do not want to see her hurt and in turn i do not want her to find out about the new girl. The new girl knows everything about my situation and understands i have never lied to her about anything.

    I dont know what to do, i care about my wife but im not sure its through love its more through she is the mother of my child.

    Sorry if all the above is alittle long and/or confusing as ive got so much in my mind at the moment i dont know what to do as i dont want to hurt either of them.

    Can anyone advise please ? Or has anyone been in a similar situation before? Its starting to drive me a little crazy.

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help! Seperated but new girl wants to take it further and i do too but

    My old boss used to joke 'you haven't lived until you've had your 3rd child by your second wife'.

    I suppose think about the fullness of time. If you and your wife completely do not get along and it is irreconcilable you will both eventually divorce and move on to new partners. That is inevitable. There is no point being with your wife and both of you being unhappy and unphysical. That will affect your son's wellbeing also. It's a really tricky situation though because you have not formally seperated to different places or filed for divorced. If you start seeing the other women you're cheating and that will surely hurt your wife, despite you not getting on.

    I would talk seriously with your wife (I know it might be hard!) about your future because ultimately she will also want love - both physical and emotional with you or someone new. Is she still in love with you? If she was sexual with you again would you be happy again? After a women gives birth the sex life is obviously going to decrease and many emotions and hormones are flowing. That dies down a bit though. Her body will bounce back and so will her sex drive (well it should). In the blink of an eye your son will be walking and talking. It's very hard for a women to switch on and off between being a mother and a lover. If you want to try again, you have to consider how to switch your wife on from putting the baby to bed and feeding it milk to being her former sex vixen self. She may feel very insecure and unconfident about her body. She will feel tired and stressed physically and emotionally. Have you been there for her as well as your child supporting the whole thing? It gets easier as the baby gets older. If you dont want to hurt your wife you must have some feelings for her still? Do you feel unloved because suddenly ALL her attention is on the baby? Its difficult but possible to get her back to her former self and switch her back on. This site can potentially help with that too although you will need rather different techniques. Control yourself if you're out at the pub drinking and then come back home - it can spur on arguments. If your way past that and it's irreconcilable then you need to discuss divorce proceedings with her so you can both get on with your life out in the open. If you are going to stay together 'for the sake of the son' your looking at 20 years until he leaves home. Be realistic about your own future as well as your sons.

    The new girl you have also not meet yet after a year of writing. She could be someones she's not, or the dynamic could be different in real life. So as a matter of course you could meet her asap to ascertain if there is something real there. Or generally make sure you really want to move on and find new love. The internet girl may not be your ultimate future LTR or wife, she may just be the 1st stepping stone.

    If you hide things, play games or are undecisive it could come around and bite you on the tail. You want to avoid a situation where she cleans you out with the lawyers or turns your son against you further down the track. Seeing this other girl secretly while your still technically married is risky. Sort your relationship with your wife out first. Try repair it or if you both cannot then divorce. The internet lady is still an unknown quantity and if she's waited a year, she should wait some more until you sort you life out.

    I don't know about this for sure but maybe its also better to split now at 10 months than when your son's vastly more aware at say age 5 or 10. You will get to see him, you may start another family down the track...as long as the entire network (inc grandparents) is stable and he is raised with an abundance of love and opportunities with you he should be ok.

  3. #3
    BetMunch is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help! Seperated but new girl wants to take it further and i do too but

    I've been through this mate. (or still going through it!)

    I am still living with the wife, but we have made a real effort to stay friends for my daughters sake. I have the spare room, daughter has her room, and wife has the main bedroom.

    We have both seen other people and in fact her new boyfriend has now moved in with us! I am now shagging around, but do not bring anyone home or let them meet my daughter.

    Its a crazy situation, but it works for us.

    In my opinion you need to talk to your wife, find out if the relationship is over (just because your currently married doesnt mean you have a relationship) if it is then you need to agree the way forward. Do you continue to life together or apart? Whats best for your son? etc, etc.

    Once you have done this, then you can start seeing this other girl. I would also suggest not rubbing your wifes face in it as you need to keep her on side when things get really serious with the new girl and you want time with your son.

    If your both focused on whats best for your son then you will work it out.

    Good luck bro

  4. #4
    Paul34 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help! Seperated but new girl wants to take it further and i do too but

    Thank you so much for your wise words & advice guys. I have thought alot of the things you have stated above.
    Like if i meet the HB and she isnt what she cracked up to be etc. As i said i have been totally honest with her but for obvious reasons i havnt said anything to my wife, although she has said more than once she wants me to find a new lady.

    I also totally agree it is risky seeing the HB whilst still married. I shouldnt but i have not had any physical or positive attraction from my wife for a long time and the thought of the HB being close to me really makes me just say " what the hell " and meet her even just for an hour or two.

    Thank you for taking time out with your excellent advice and if yourselfs or anyone else can offer anymore advice/help it would be greatly appriciated.

    So glad i came across this forum.

  5. #5
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Help! Seperated but new girl wants to take it further and i do too but

    Quote Originally Posted by Paul34 View Post
    i have been totally honest with her but for obvious reasons i havnt said anything to my wife, although she has said more than once she wants me to find a new lady.
    That is positive. That is good.


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