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Thread: need some advice before the next move

  1. #1
    digstime is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default need some advice before the next move

    hi people,
    I am new here and I read some threads and liked it.. I thought may be you guys might help me. Its a bit long. Better to give a background so that you can also point out my mistakes if any.
    The story: I am 26 and recently I started seeing this girl. Its been three months. She was the one who pushed me into a romantic thing and she got annoyed when I appeared uninterested.
    We started kissing and it was going fine but we haven't slept together yet. I thought she was nice and also a bit different from my previous gfs and I wasn't just looking for sex but a relationship. Things were going good. I didn't appear uninterested after that.
    Suddenly one day she came and told me that her boss told her he is interested in her as more than a friend. But she told she made it clear to him that she is not interested and decided to be on good terms with him. She was upset and asked me if I would still like her and I told I like her if she is genuinely interested in me. (I should have been more strict here even though i don't know how). The boss has been very decent about it and it seems he never asked her anything about it anymore.
    I was in a conference for a week and the boss got a transfer meanwhile.
    When I came back she told can we be like friends and not do anything until the boss leaves for good..because that would make her uncomfortable. (LJBF d) I said ok if it is only for a while. Nothing serious happened between her and the boss in that one week. But anyway she sees him everyday and he has that advantage. It affected my work a lot..stressed etc etc. Basically I don't like hanging around her like a friend.
    So we met very shortly twice with nothing happening, no holding hands. We met again for the third time yesterday and I told her I am not interested in friendship but it wasn't too clear due to the circumstances. She said "presently I won't be comfortable kissing you. May be I change my mind after 1 or 2 months I don't know". I directly asked about the boss and I said she is free to date him if that's what she wants and I could back off. She said "I like him as a person. But I don't see him that way. I like spending time with him and he is active and dynamic and he helped me a lot when i moved apartments blah blah". The boss will leave in like 3 weeks for good. Thats the situation now. I couldn't talk more since it was late and both had to leave. I don't have much problems getting girls, I just think she is nice that's all. Should I go cold turkey for a while or should I write an email stating my interest clearly and then go silent? I have to eventually write to her as I have to pick up my stuff from her place.
    It would be a pity if it ended this soon, but I am kinda prepared for it.
    Please advice.

  2. #2
    Jefe is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    I read "I am 26 and recently I started seeing this girl. Its been three months ... we haven't slept together yet" and stopped.

    That is crazy. Get rid. You have a lot of stuff you need to sort out with yourself before you go hooking up with any girl or boy.


    ˇJefe!

  3. #3
    BatMan's Avatar
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    I always find it interesting when someone doesn't want to have sex because they don't want it to define their relationship. If that's the case then why not get it out of the way as soon as possible? Waiting still puts importance on the idea of it. But I digress...

    I know exactly what it's like to not really be bothered by things and can even be understanding in alot of situations. While this is a great trait to maintain happiness and contentment within oneself, it is not the greatest trait to convey to your partner. Honestly it's what caused my last relationship to fall apart.

    She would do things that were odd and because of my very strong natural interest in understanding peoples behaviors, I would almost play therapist. What this conveyed to her ultimately was weakness which started the downfall of the relationship.

    If I would've put my foot down and showed a LACK of willingness to understand her behavior and accept it, I think it wouldn't have ended the way it did.

    So there is such a thing as being TOO understanding. You are a man with standards and expectations. If they are not met then you can just walk away. You don't OWE anyone your sense of understanding. So pick and choose more carefully about when you want to show understanding.

    Also I notice that you look better if you only apologize for your actions, not the way you feel. You should NEVER apologize for the way you feel.

    Now for the next step?..... I'm going to take a shot in the dark and assume that, if she hasn't yet, she's going to be dating her boss. And there are quite a bit of small things in mindset that I noticed from your post. So I don't feel you are well "armed" yet for this situation and should increase your gaming skills for a few months before getting back to this. I know this may not be what you want to hear (read) and you may get the feeling that walking away isn't doing anything, but actually walking away does a ton of things. Doing nothing is still doing something.

  4. #4
    digstime is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    Thanks Jefe for your straightforward comment. But I live in a foreign country where they don't even speak English and it doesn't work like so easy. From what I know from my friends, none of them ever slept with a girl sooner than this. And she was ok with it as she thought 3 months was too soon anyway. We are from different countries and it only started as nice meetings at first. So it took time to develop. As I mentioned before, I am not just looking for sex. I am normally successful with women I find it easy to find girls (I had quite some fun). I just want this thing to work out and I am willing to work on it.

  5. #5
    digstime is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    Thanks Batman, I really liked your reply. I was very impressed when you wrote about being too understanding. That explains my situation in quite some depth, because due to my lack of rigidity and curiosity about human behavior, it seems I have been playing a therapist myself. I didn't try to come out as too understanding but I didn't notice this mistake as I was naturally curious. She has told me once or twice that I am very understanding.
    About dating the boss, actually that boss is leaving to a far away country in a few weeks. So I don't know how that will work for her.
    By 'not well armed for this situation' and 'walking away..', do you mean walking away from the girlfriend situation or walking away from this forum?
    If I get a shot with that girl and if I work on my gaming skills by learning here, together that would be great.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    Quote Originally Posted by digitsoftime View Post
    Thanks Batman, I really liked your reply. I was very impressed when you wrote about being too understanding. That explains my situation in quite some depth, because due to my lack of rigidity and curiosity about human behavior, it seems I have been playing a therapist myself. I didn't try to come out as too understanding but I didn't notice this mistake as I was naturally curious. She has told me once or twice that I am very understanding.
    About dating the boss, actually that boss is leaving to a far away country in a few weeks. So I don't know how that will work for her.
    By 'not well armed for this situation' and 'walking away..', do you mean walking away from the girlfriend situation or walking away from this forum?
    If I get a shot with that girl and if I work on my gaming skills by learning here, together that would be great.
    Lol no definitely don't walk away from the forum. Just from the situation with this woman. There are too many elements and in my opinion, you need more than just a couple of paragraphs of advice. Although I didn't understand before that you are in a different country with different cultures. So not sure how walking away would differ over there than in the states. Use your best judgement.

    If her boss is leaving then either they are going to try and speed things up or she will start to look for a brand new man. That is the risk here right now.

    Yes I have been told that I am very understanding. I am even used to them crying in front of me because they are so happy that someone finally understands them. So what does it makes us do? Makes us want to be even MORE understanding. They can appreciate this trait in a man, but in turn will lose respect if he is ALWAYS understanding. This is why I say to choose wisely when you show understanding.

    It's ok to feel angry or jealous. What matters is how you respond with it. Showing understanding puts someones feelings before yours and you shouldn't. So as long as it is done in a non-needy or overly dramatic way then it is a good thing to show that something made you upset.

  7. #7
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    chet25 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    What country is she from? Certain cultures view the roles of men differently with regards to sex, relationships, etc. I don't want to offer generic advice based on the country where I live in. For example, in America I would say not having sex after 3 months really looks bad on the guy, is beta and its not in control of the relationship. In American culture, I believe the fastest way to get a g/f and in a relationship is the sleep with a girl, thinking they want to put a relationship first before sex is flawed thinking.

  8. #8
    whitedragon is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    You are both confused about what you want. Take the lead. If you want her ignore the garbage she says and take her physically. The boss was a random comet that came into the picture unexpectedly but that could have also been used to your advantage greatly. There is no reason on earth why you have to wait 3 weeks. She doesn't like the boss 'in that way' so he is ultimately no threat whether he is here of there. If you're not looking for sex what is the point? It's not a relationship its friendship and it seems you have slipped from her making a move to being friendzoned.

    I would steer away from deep conversations or writing her your feelings and just get back to the basics of being a fun guy to be around and then when the comfort is right make a strong physical move and bash through the expected LMR. Everything at the moment is confusing her and thus you. Strip all that complexity out of her and your life. You mentioned 'if I get a shot at this girl'...you had a shot at this girl and you still have a shot. Good luck! And yes what country she is from would be helpful.

  9. #9
    digstime is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    Hi Whitedragon and Chet, Thanks for the replies. The girl is from Hungary but she has a difficult background and hence she is a bit of a troubled person. This 'might' be the reason she wanted to take it slow. As Batman mentioned its surprising how some define a relationship because of sex, since I got the impression from her talk that 'we are not yet completely bf-gf yet as we haven't slept together'. Giving in too much time was a bad mistake on my part.
    That boss guy is not physically attractive and much shorter than her and she told he is not a kind of guy she would pass a look on the street, but he is very dynamic and of course successful.
    Now what I plan to do is to go silent for a few weeks. If she calls I say, 'I am busy can we talk later' or may be not respond at all, and also not replying to her emails, or if she pushes in being in contact or wants me to come and pick up my stuff, I just do that calmly and go silent again. At this point I have not much to lose and I don't feel as bad as I felt a couple of days ago. Now its a matter of playing the game.
    P.S.Whitedragon: I am looking for sex, I meant I don't want it like a F-buddy.

  10. #10
    digstime is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: need some advice before the next move

    Hi Batman, Now that I think of it, I think the boss thing is not the one that is going to work out for her. Because she told me once that dating someone within the company will get them fired and she is too much into her job. The risk as you mentioned is she will look for a brand new man. Because as far as I know her, she likes that initial excitement and rush. She doesn't like to stagnate things. Now I realize where my game failed..I should have been a bit more unpredictable and showed disinterest, sudden surprise, sweeping off the feet and a weekend trip after a bit of ignoring. Its been 3 days of complete no-contact. If she contacts, I will be polite and formal and wont show neediness. Atleast I don't feel as painful as on the first day. what will happen next..only time will tell. Hanging around here and talking to you guys makes me feel a bit better and pushes me back into trying new stuff. Thanks guys.


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