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  1. #1
    jamesda211 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Help recovering a girl where I screwed up big time!

    So, I met this girl on a dating site. She sent me a message first and I responded, we were both website ‘virgins’ so I took the initiative and got her out to a festival that I had VIP tickets to. Suffice to say I just managed to scrape through the first date as my friends happened to be there and were telling me not to be keen etc and it backfired a bit!

    I managed to entice her into a second date that went extremely well and things were all looking good- she absolutely loved it, after that she was initiating text conversations, more interest in me etc. A week later we had our third date, a drink and film which again went extremely well and a great kiss at the end. Our fourth date was 3 days later which I had been giving her clues about. It was a sporting event that she absolutely loved and went really well too. At the end we talked about the 1st date and she said she had been annoyed that I did not want to go on to a club with her afterwards – I said that this was because I didn’t want to get too drunk and something silly happen, she then asked if I had thought I was going to get laid that evening! I said no so she then asked if I had thought that was what she had implied because it was not who she was and went on to justify that she not that sort of girl. I mentioned a previous experience a couple of weeks back where I was with friends and this girl took me to another bar on that there was a sports team there that I may wish to join – turned out she was just looking for casual sex.

    Anyway I thought I’d smoothed things over and she said she was looking forward to seeing me soon we kissed etc and off she went. – Three hours later I got the usual “had an amazing time thanks etc” and then this one 20min later:

    “I've had a really nice time getting to know you but I have to be honest I think it's a shame the way we have got to know each other (through the site) I feel it has taken away the chance for me to meet someone because they know me and like me for who I am. I have a lot of respect for you and you have been a gent through and through but I feel there is something missing... Maybe it's history... I'm not sure. I do feel sad about what you said and it's making me wonder how I come across to people. I feel gutted I just tried to justify I'm not a slapper. I know you didn't mean it "like that" and maybe it's just your bad experiences but it's not sitting well with me and i don't think this is going to work for me. Thanks again for everything and if anything I hope I have been a slightly positive ripple in your life to make you think differently about the way girls are. Wishing you all the best. Anna x”

    These were the subsequent txts!

    “Anna, I don't want to respond in a txt. I think it would be good to meet up tomorrow during the day - after that if you want to go separate ways that's cool. I really didn't articulate what I was trying to say - I want to make it clear that at no point did I think you came across as anyone other than someone who is classy, fun, exciting and great to be around! I've had four dates with you and through them I have started to get to know you - not through some site. I think you're a great person and that it would be a shame to throw it all away without letting me explain what I had meant. X”

    She responded:

    “Hey, I've got some stuff to sort out today, but we could meet next week. It's not that you didn't articulate yourself. I think it's just hit a nerve. People carry crap from past experiences (me probably more than anyone) it just made me realise things about myself and I don't think I'm ready for all this dating stuff. I'm quite sensitive and I don't want to mess you around. Sorry this is over text. Please know its not what you said. I'm in a weird place and I need to sort it out before getting involved with anyone. All the best x”

    And I finally responded with:

    “Ok, I completely respect what you are saying and where you're at. Have my interview on Tuesday - but free after that. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. X”

    She said:

    “You too and gold luck for your interview x”

    I’m a decent looking guy and I usually don’t have problems getting women but I really like this chick is there any advice on how to recover this apart from the fact I have clearly looked into this too much!!! ?

  2. #2
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    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: Help recovering a girl where I screwed up big time!

    I'm going to take a couple of stabs first lol

    You failed one of the most classic shit tests known to PUA. Which is when she asked if you thought you were getting laid. The simplest thing to do is to reverse it on her "Funny you said that, I was just about to ask you the same thing." There are a few other ways, but this is the simplest and most straight forward.

    Interesting how she messaged about you being a gentlemen and her being in a weird place. It was very courteous of her, to which you responded in kind. However for most issues with women I try to focus on changing her MOOD and not her MIND. So after her sending that text you can literally just ignore it if you can get away with it. Or do something called reframing, or frame control, which is a more advanced technique I highly recommend studying.

    The last thing I want to mention is that we, as humans, are natural problem solvers. We need constant mental stimulation so we search for new problems to solve. How else would our society have evolved so much faster than any other species in just the past two hundred years. Even dinosaurs have been on the planet much, much longer than humans and never advanced as much as us. So its only natural to understand that our personal relationships need conflict to keep the stimulation. So if you made it to the 4th date without even one argument then of course a conflict will arise itself eventually. Unfortunately she beat you to the punch and created the conflict herself, unknowingly of course. We are just drawn to conflict. Simple as that. (Also I'm surprised you got through 4 dates without sleeping with her. And don't feed me that "I want to take it slow"stuff. I know what that REALLY means lol.) So anyways that's my dissection...now my opinion on how to recover.

    If you manage to actually meet with her then you are still golden. Focus on changing her mood, not her mind and if you can, I'd suggest introducing a new conflict rather than feeding into hers. Or you can call it introducing a new frame. She set the frame that she is not ready for something serious because of personal issues. You need a stronger frame. Usually its the one with a stronger emotion attached to it, but not always. I like to set the frame that I'M not ready because I've been hurt (which is entirely true), but I understand what it does to a woman. It challenges her to change my mind and to "conquer" me. It also sets the frame that I am the prize that needs to be won. I aim to introduce this conflict way before she introduces one of her own. Mind you this is unique to me. It's better to choose something genuine to yourself, but always try to frame it that you are challenge. And that you have standards. So if those standards aren't met, she isn't welcome in your world. There are certain times when it is crucial to be selfish. It shows that you care about yourself and demand respect. Very attractive indeed

    This is just my opinion so feel free to be skeptical.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  3. #3
    jamesda211 is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Help recovering a girl where I screwed up big time!

    Thank you for your message Miguel, much apreciated.

    So my plan to meet her is to txt her a quick message saying somehting like:

    "Hey, The interview went really well, but there's still one more stage. Did you manage to catch the mouse? x"

    If she responds I'll say something like:

    "Are you free tomorrow for a quick coffee?"

    I'm trying to break the ice with the first message and then give her a no pressure option to meet up the next day.

    Is this the right appoach or should I just go straight in with the:

    "Hey, hope you managed to catch the mouse! Interview went well today, are you free for a coffee tomorrow eve? x"

    I like your idea about reframing, but I a little concerned that given the timeframes I won't be able to pull it off before meeting her (if she is still keen to meet up!)

    P.S. I noticed last night that she has deleted her profile on this dating site - think this fits with her idea of not meeting any other guys on the internet.


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