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  1. #1
    hindo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default I'm new here, I need some advice.

    Hi people! I'm new here, I'm after some advice on a situation that is rackin my brain, which brought me to PUA.


    I've found myself in a sticky situation that I wanna get out of but don't really know how. Me and a certain female have been on and off for a while, It started off as just sex but I could tell there was a tad more, after the first time we called it off, I contacted her a few weeks later telling her exactly how I about her and how I feel shes more than sex to me and we where back on. Trouble was she couldn't shake the vibe that I just wanted sex but to be honest I can kinda understand how she got that vibe as I never knew how she really felt, thus closing off on her and not really showing more than a FWB vibe, we went our separate ways again after a discussion (even though the discussion clarified a bit of how she feels). Almost like a cycle we begin talking again which abruptly came to an end again. Yet again we begin talking again and after she comes back to me, we hit it off again, but at this point I'm confused as f*&$k I don't know how she feels and I immediately begin to close off on her again, we have a talk and after a while she disclosed that because I never really show her the right attention, guys that she doesn't even care about show her more attention than I do, guys I KNOW show her more attention and it frustrated her, although I explain to her why I close off and come across as cold. At this point I really felt like I fudged it up as I made her feel unwanted and unattractive, so I hand write her a 5 page letter telling her exactly how i feel about her and how much I regret not letting go off insecurities and just making her feel how she deserves. the letter works we agree to have a shot, but i don't know, something just doesn't quite feel right like there's something missing, we talk and neither of us feel the element of trust is there between us and she feels emotionally numb like she needs someone to assure her its ok an force her to free her emotions (although I know I can be that guy now I don't care about insecurities and have grown) we both kind of mutually agree to still be good friends. We talk on the phone constantly and open up to each other like we never have before ever before from everything to sex, career etc etc we're still gonna hang out a lot but I know the attraction is still there between us and we probably will end up having sex, even though we are trying new people. I guess what I want to ask is considering how complex our relationship is, how the do I make this right, I don't really wanna date other people as all I really want is her, how do i get myself out the situation we're in?

    sorry to ramble on guys,

    any pointers, criticism or anything helpful would be much appreciated.

    H

  2. #2
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    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: I'm new here, I need some advice.

    Thanks for visiting. Your situation is very interesting. I have some insights, but feel free to be skeptical.

    She definitely is looking for comfort or validation. I've recently had the same situation where a woman Im seeing (and is very special to me) gave me the whole "it feels like a one way street. You dont tell me how you really feel blah blah blah." I almosted blurted out "Are you on your period or something?" lol. Only because I KNOW I've said/shown alot of things that strongly imply how I feel and even some things that are just outright how I feel. From a logical standpoint it didn't make sense. But from an emotional standpoint it made perfect sense. When dealing with emotional issues its best to focus on changing her MOOD, not her MIND. Plus I have an issue with reinforcing the behavior that if she whines about it, then I'll give her that validation. I rather give her validation when she does something that I like and not because she nagged me about it.

    However she still needs SOME validation. One of my favorite things is roleplaying. Its fun and you can get heavy without getting serious. For example: I love playing the husband wife role. I'll tell her that I'll be the housewife and she goes to work. And if she doesn't take me out and tell me how pretty I am she won't get sex for a month.

    Its fun and lets them know you're thinking about the future, even if it is a goofy way.

    The simplest answer to building a connection with a woman, however, is to show her that you understand her world, and get her to understand yours. Talk about cheating or the divorce rate. Maybe world hunger or fostercare. Make a moral standpoint on something thats relevant to her.

    These two ingredients should help skyrocket the relationship between you two and help build intimacy and comfort.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  3. #3
    hindo is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: I'm new here, I need some advice.

    Thanks man,

    Couldn't agree more with regards to how/when to validate. The thing that bugs me is getting out of the 'friend zone' with her and back into giving this a real shot now we are open to dating new people, last time we spoke she said 'I don't even know why I'm going out with this guy he's not even my type', I'm not sure how to take that. neither of us really go out to bars/clubs etc as we both lead similarly busy lifestyles so the only chance i'd really get is when we end up hanging out to make some kind of progress out of the FZ. how am I to do that given the circumstances? Sorry man I'm actually terrible when it comes to matters of the heart lol

    Also I know I've frustrated the hell out of her sexually, sometimes I'm on the ball, other times I'm overly sensitive. Sex is a big thing for both of us and I feel the conversations we've had about sex after going our separate ways really established some understanding, she understands what it feels like for me physically (to a degree) when it happens, but she doesn't understand how it feels for me mentally, should I tell her?

  4. #4
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
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    Default Re: I'm new here, I need some advice.

    It may work if you tell her. But I think you should consider the time and place. I feel you two should be isolated and maybe after sex you tell her. She will likely be receptive to anything you make yourself vulnerable about. If not, then at least make sure she is receptive to what you have to say. To see if someone is receptive just give them the cold shoulder. If they asked what's wrong you say "Nothing. I'm fine." If she persists then you know she's receptive. Women do this all the time to us so use it
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."


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