well, i guess for each and everyone of us, while learning to deal with our issues regarding girls, comes the moment where we break. Its the day you get home after the night where so much went wrong. Its that night when you tell yourself: f*ck it, i either get this thing sorted, or i simply vaporize myself along with the next hit of the pipe you smoke when you sit alone in your chair at 6:00 AM and you know that if you just had been a little bit more yourself, you would have taken any of those ten girls home, who looked at you with all of their eyes saying: i am interested in you, show me what you got.
I just wrote this report during the last few hours and it became so long that i decided it would be extreme to post it. Therefore i will split it in two parts:
1.) The latest news (and the most important part) which i post here in the first posting
2.) The whole story (how it all came together) which i post as a first reply to my own post.
Please feel free to skip (2). Its very long and although i think its a fun read, i can't imagine why anyone would want to do that. Then again i would happy if someone did.
As for why i post (2) at all? I believe it helps understanding HOW extreme and messed up my situation actually is. That's why
The Night i died.
Tonight. Well, its 7:30 AM now so it was yesterday night. But then again who cares?
Here's the deal. My friend and me, we were in for going to that club again and his girlfriend (he had broken up with but got back together again, no further comment) was to show up along with her best friend (Cathy) who celebrated her 19 birthday. Wow. What an opportunity. For years i heard of Cathy's stunning beauty and how my friend always struggled with the fact that he adored her more than his own girlfriend.
We moved around the club and at a certain point i stood at a dancing area, looking sort of down onto the main platform and there was a girl (again, absolutely uber-sweet and hot, though probably too young) and she kept looking at me. I took a glance at her companions. A girl who was quite drunk and two nerd-archetype guys, nice guys, friendly young boys, but zero sex appeal. Then again probably more successful than myself who had signed the contract of the everlasting frustrated d1ckster. This girl didn't stop and just wanted me, literally, to go fetch her. Did i do it? You bet. I did NOT!
So after we hung out there for a few hours, my friend's girlfriend finally showed up. She did not even see me at first (we had met only once before and it was a full and loud club, so i guess i was just ignored as a bystander). I did not like the situation so i simply leaped forward, touched the girl at the arm and thus caught her attention. She smiled and recognized me, i greeted her while noticing that one of her friends was repeatedly looking at me from behind somewhere (people, people, people everywhere). I asked my friend but found out that it was not Cathy.
After that things got bad because me, my friend and his girlfriend moved over to the smoker's area, as they both wanted to smoke. Due to their relationship struggles and issues they got immersed in some more private conversation and it was loud anyway. I was not introduced to any Cathy. I had seen none. Did this person even exist?
Things got even worse then. I didn't like being alone in the club. Not at all. I felt super uncomfortable. I had zero confidence. So after pretending to enjoy walking around the club all alone for a few minutes and rounds i decided to just leave. And so i did. I went home, threw on a Game of Thrones episode and took a nice hit from a relaxing pipe which at this phase in life i feel very well connected to. I sat there for half an hour and then received an SMS from my friend that its sad i had left as Cathy is now standing next to them. Well, i thought about it a few minutes and then dressed again. I left and went back to the club. 4 minutes drive. Not that bad. But i was not sober anymore. (Note: i did not drink any alcohol at all today).
Somehow when i went back, i suddenly felt i belonged there. It was very weird. I felt comfortable and happy. I emanated a positive energy and people felt that when they crossed my ways. I found my friend and his girlfriend very soon and finally, after she had stood aside for a few minutes, my friend did what he had to, and loudly said: "Yes, this is Cathy!" She heard it and then looked at me. This was it, the moment. So i had to do something, right? I think what i did next was just really much okay.
I immedeately leaned over to her and said: "Oh, so you're the girl with the birthday." She was very drunk but still mentally accessible. She responded and i introduced myself, immideately starting with kino, multiple times. I then realized that the guy she had been talking with before, stood next to us. I greeted him too, shook his hand, touched his arm and acted as though we'd been friends for years. He looked quite likeable anyway, i didn't want to be a d1ck and i also figured it was a good thing to do while she was witnessing it.
Now this guy whom i will call FRANK, he took off after a while but he returned frequently and flirted with Cathy.
I for my part did not. I managed to say a few things but that was it. A little later she looked at me and i gave her a smile, and she smiled back. Now to make things clear: Cathy is now 19, she is slim, very fresh and also very sweet and beautiful. Super adorable. I was charged and enjoyed the situation but i had no idea how to move on from there.
Frank returned for more fun and after a while it was decided that they wait outside for us three others (me, my friend and his girlfriend) to come upstairs so that we all could leave. I did not like it but i got asked whether i thought it possible to drive the people home. I thought about it and didn't add FRANK to my equation so it felt good. But things don't always go so well when you're a girl-retard like me.
Outside i was asked if Frank could join too and ride along with us. I almost screwed my own status here, because i was about to cut him out. I first said no. Now that i remember the scene, perhaps this was an indicator of ultra-low value to the already drunk Cathy. I don't know. I just know that i changed my mind, got friendly to Frank, gave him some hetero-man-to-man kino at his upper arm and told him that it was okay and even though he now said its alright if he took a cab, i insisted and he came along.
Well, you can imagine how this felt. Now suddenly i was driving around two couples. One already in action and one coming up. And one of the girls was actually supposed to lay in my arms that night. Well, that was what i would have wanted.
On the way it turned out that the girls wanted to hang out a bit longer and so it was decided we go to Cathy's place. After we got out of the car, i did something i should have pursued until the end - i announced that it was a sweet time i had with them, but that i will leave and go home. Now the group started to rant and i was asked to come along. I was pissed, inside, because they didn't get the message. A couple? Her best friend and a guy who hits on her, sits in the back of my car with her head on his shoulders? What the heck will happen in Cathy's place? Frustration of course. And pain. I did not want that. And from their side - i was the fifth wheel on the car. Nobody needed me there. I wanted to escape this hell. But the creepy group dynamics and my will to blend in made me stay. So i stayed.
Upstairs i noticed a lack of interest from Cathy. She soon sat down next to Frank and they engaged in some kino. Frank was really a cool guy, i respect him. But still, for me, the weakest link in the whole chain, he was a horror because without his presence, even though i would unknowingly have been second choice, i would have ended up being the one she asks to help her with opening her dress that was stuck, according to her. Frank sure has a nice time with her while i sit here typing this. But well, i am not yet (even though almost) finished.
I did not have a very good position - wasn't seated that well. When i managed to turn my head more in the direction of Cathy and Frank, i just realized that in her reality i probably wasn't even there any longer.
At one moment Frank said to me: "You look tired."
Now i did not really enjoy that because i interpreted it as "get the fark out, you are messing up the balance in the room". Well, its what i wanted to hear i guess.
The girls left for girly-chit-chat a bit later and because i did not like how Frank had treated me i decided to break the ice. I touched his shoulder and said: "Just among us three man, tell me, am i somehow getting in your way, you know, with Cathy?".
It was then when he explained that he is unsure whether to even do this (with her, engaging in more) but he also didn't leave out the nice detail that he could if he wanted. I knew that i couldn't match this confidence anyway. Shame. He got what i wanted. No stupid chicky wars. Matter of fact: he deserved it. I did not. Girls don't fall on their knees in front of most of us, we have to work the whole thing. And i did not. Even though i could have. Given the situation.
Soon i announced that i would leave. It then took my friend and his girlfriend about ten minutes to decide whether to stay and take a cab later or whether to accept my offer of riding them home (which i had announced earlier was still standing as our plans had changed before). And then we got up to leave, all three. Frank and Cathy were set for a beautiful night. I was set for pain and my friend and his girlfriend were set for some super perverted sexual experience, i guess (their story is an entirely different one).
When i left, i said goodbye to Cathy who then was quite friendly again, thanked me for the ride and instead of a handshake gave me the signals that she wanted a kiss, which i provided trying to look as casual as possible.
I drove my friend and his girlfriend home and then i just did my best not to implode and die before reaching home.
I don't know, guys. I am broken. Really down. I am crying, literally, because this is like the most evil damn thing i can imagine. To be left out, to lose when you so much long to win. Its such a pain. And i don't know how to handle so many deaths in such a short time. How? Can anybody tell me? Where to get the strength from to keep going and not just get your balls cut off? (As if that would help)
I sit here, 8:00 AM now, typing this. I probably farked up with Cathy completely, even though i was well announced before and she really liked me in the beginning, i have no idea whether she would even look at me after what followed. She was very drunk, but it was obious she is a smart girl and thus was still somehow mentally present. She will remember her impression of me. I am certain.
Now when i got home i had two choices: cry and be shaken in pain, self-hatred and fall down that hole. Or sit down and write like crazy. Write, write write and not let myself fall.
I chose number 2 but now that i am about to lie down alone in my bed i guess there will still be some space left for number 1.
Still, i guess the fact that i sat down and wrote all this is of help. Even though i highly doubt anyone actually reads all of it
After all those mess-ups, after all those failures and all those moments of being the worthless, low-level wannabe man, there is a single question ringing in my head.
Really, i don't know why. I would like to know what is causing this. But even more so, even after having read enough PUA material, why can't i break that ice? What's wrong with me? Why do i fail over and over.
Now i wrote this primarily to share, but if someone feels he has something important to say about my experiences, i would greatly appreciate it because i have no friends who can understand my pain in this regards. And i guess people being involved in pickup will understand it much better.
Kick me in the ass if you like. I guess reading about all my options and opportunities and how i managed to mess them all up must be at least half as frustrating as experiencing all that for real.
What did i learn?
A lot. And nothing.
I guess i learned that, quite frankly, there will always be a FRANK around to complicate things. Just like in Donnie Darko, Frank is the demonic little rabbit that hops into my life in certain moments. Frank is the one who makes the impossible even more impossible.
I also learned that there are limits. Limits to how much i can take. Today was such a frustration. I don't know how more frustrating it can get. I don't know when i will or would break.
I learned that something is inherently wrong with me. And that unless i figure this out, i will never achieve balance in relation to my societal surroundings.
I learned that for every beautiful girl i missed out, i could have had the time of my life and that the absence of these experiences leaves a growing gap that grows harder to fill with every day i waste.
And finally, i learned that my anxiety and fear does not feel like one. I think i am worse than the rest, because i don't even get to the point of feeling anxiety of approaching, because i just don't allow it as an option in my head. Now we have heard about methods to overcome approach anxiety. How do you overcome the anxiety of the anxiety? How do you treat the wound that is embedded in an even deeper wound?
I just feel like i am a hopeless case and there is no help for me.
The bottomline for me is that i am probably just not that likeable. I look good, but i probably suck as a person. As a human being. Even though evidence that does not come from interactions with girls does say otherwise, this is the conclusion i arrive at.
Will i ever get better? Will i ever improve and be able to reach the goals i want? Right now, i don't know. 24 hours ago i had no doubt.
Thank You everyone for reading. I appreciate it.