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Thread: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

  1. #1
    Rando9009 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    Hey guys, so since I posted last a month or two ago, I've now been dating a great girl (officially bf/gf dating). Id say a 9.5-10 (have to help keep other guys off her when were out constantly) and we get along great. Really want to put time into this and see where it goes.

    Now I've been in many types of relationships, including those where I became "clingy" myself because I liked them so much, and ones where I had a stage 5 clinger GF that I had to shake.

    My question today is for advice on how to keep MYSELF from acting needy/clingy with this girl, because I've already felt it a little, and don't want to shoot myself in the foot as I've done before in the past. Now let me note that we've talked about availablity between the two of us, and I am not looking to hang out every night of the week etc yet. We are both busy people. However the following example made me secretly a little upset yesterday:

    Example: Its now Monday night, I'm at her house. I've seen her for the past 3 days straight, her sleeping over 3 nights, going out in a group, hanging out just the two of us, all that good stuff. Great weekend.

    We got to the topic of when we would see each other next, and basically it came up that it probably woudn't be till next Saturday night. 5 days. Reason being that two nights she works, 2 nights she's going to be hanging out with some girlfriends, and Friday she's going out with her mother to a concert.

    Dosn't seem like such a big deal right? But I guess I was just a little dissapointed that one of those 2 nights that she has plans with girlfriends she didn't think of the two of us getting together to break the week up. Now like I said I don't want to hang out every night, but in a situation like this where she's tecnically available a night or two and we don't hang out for a week, kind of upset me.

    I have not expressed this feeling to her and bit my lip, but a good part of me wants to say something or ask about "why don't we hang out thursday..." (one of the friend nights). I know though that this is bad news. This girl is really into me, and wan'ts to hang out alot, texts me all the time, and even talks months into the future with plans, but I don't want to get sucked into acting needy and scaring her off.

    What should I do? Am I in the wrong feeling this way? Should I mention something nicely to her? Or just forget it and do my own thing with friends this week, see how next week plays out? Long post, I know, thanks guys for the advice!

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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    That's always a tough situation...

    When you're in a "serious" relationship it's definitely necessary to express more about the way you feel about a girl, but there's still such a thing as becoming too needy.

    It really just takes time & practice to get beyond that stage. (I still have that happen to myself from time to time.)

    The best way to deal with it, is to have a large social circle & keep yourself busy with other people & activities.

    Also- when you're with her, never stop the flirting! (Teasing & bantering increases attraction AND displays non-neediness).

    But yeah, I would recommend lining up some plans with your friends!



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  3. #3
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    Well, it looks like Saturday and possibly even Sunday you're busy with your bros, doesn't it?
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  4. #4
    Rando9009 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by T-Mal View Post
    That's always a tough situation...

    When you're in a "serious" relationship it's definitely necessary to express more about the way you feel about a girl, but there's still such a thing as becoming too needy.

    It really just takes time & practice to get beyond that stage. (I still have that happen to myself from time to time.)

    The best way to deal with it, is to have a large social circle & keep yourself busy with other people & activities.

    Also- when you're with her, never stop the flirting! (Teasing & bantering increases attraction AND displays non-neediness).

    But yeah, I would recommend lining up some plans with your friends!

    Thanks T-Mal for the reply. Ya its definatly a tough one! And its a shifting feeling from time to time. Sometimes she'll ask to hang out quite a bit and I'll feel like she's the one becoming a bit needy. Then fast forward a week and the shoe can be on the other foot, with me being the one to pursue plans!

    And I know alot of guys might think "oh well she's obviously not that into you then if she want's to chill with her friends over you", but I honestly know that that is not true. She just has a life of her own and friends that she want's to make time for as well.

    I just hope to find the ongoing balance of space, and together time. Has been pretty good so far, better than other relationships I've been in, but its a tough thing to get totally right for both people.

    ***So you think in this situation I should NOT mention anything or ask to hang out again until the weekend, do my own thing, and then when I'm with her next see how the planning for next week goes? I mean obviously if she keeps filling up week after week with her friends then were going to have a talk.... but I think its just kind of this week (one of the friends she hasn't seen in months and she feels bad).

    But I don't want to uneccesarily have a pre-mature talk like that, cuz that can kill attraction in her. I know first hand. And I love how attracted she is to me.

  5. #5
    Rando9009 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cody View Post
    Well, it looks like Saturday and possibly even Sunday you're busy with your bros, doesn't it?
    See this isn't a game that I want to play at this point, and with this girl. It's a new relationship, but I feel like its more mature than that. If I go saying "oh ok well I can't hang out Saturday or Sunday" when she's stating she's available, she will probably litterally go along with it and then I won't see her AT ALL! Sure she'll ask when we can hang out again, but it will be days later. She has gone out of her way when she's been running her ass off to chill with me many times, I feel like I have to cut her a break this time, and don't need to "punish her" playing games.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    Exactly!

    If she's meeting with friends she hasn't seen in a while, then be supportive of her. Tell her to have fun & that you're excited & happy she gets to see them again.
    (This will score you extra points..)

    She apparently feels confident & secure about her relationship with you.

    When girls start wondering or questioning if you're going to be upset because she goes out, THAT'S indicative of uncertainty on her part. (And it's not good.)

    The fact that she doesn't feel trapped or controlled, is probably a very welcome change to her.

    Think about it in reverse...

    What if YOU had friends coming & you hadn't seen them in a long time & you're looking forward to catching up...

    You'd want her to be understanding about it too.
    It's respect & courtesy.



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  7. #7
    Rando9009 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    Great, I was thinking the same thing. I'll have to grin and bear it a little bit, because I'd really like to see her between now and then, but I'm thinking me giving her the space without giving her lip, is going to pay off for me in the long run.

    ***Question, how would it sound if I said to her via phone later tonight "so did you have set plans thursday night then with that girl? Cuz if not I could hang out, and maybe she could come out this weekend with us?"

    Then whatever her answer is, I'd be cool with it, and drop it.

    Thoughts?

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    You COULD say something like,

    "Tell ya what... if your Thursday night plans fall through, gimme a shout. I could be persuaded to reschedule MINE, in order to hang out with my little *insert nickname* "

    Remember, it's OK to express interest & a little favoritism towards her, if you're in a "relationship".

    If you were just getting to know her, I wouldn't recommend this approach... but if she's your "GF" then it's not beta.

    Girls like to feel important & know that you DO think about them.

    And this way, it doesn't sound like you're just sitting around waiting for her.... even if that IS the case.


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  9. #9
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    If she's meeting with friends she hasn't seen in a while, then be supportive of her. Tell her to have fun & that you're excited & happy she gets to see them again.
    (This will score you extra points..)

    This works. Both of what we said works, but how you interpreted what I said doesn't.

    When girls start wondering or questioning if you're going to be upset because she goes out, THAT'S indicative of uncertainty on her part. (And it's not good.)

    In this specific instance, yes. It is not a good thing. That is controlling and even abusive behavior, but having her be uncertain on certain aspects of you behavior in general isn't. That's why we send mixed signals.

    It's respect & courtesy.

    Eh. This is where T-Mal and I start to differ.

    It's a new relationship, but I feel like its more mature than that.

    Careful now. This is bordering something that rhymes with shmoneshmitis.

    *** Thought: Would you think it would seem needy if I would present the question to her on the phone as "so I know you said you might be chilling with ***** thursday, I was thinking we could hang out instead thurs, and maybe you guys can chill a night this weekend, or is she not available then?"

    Just to present the question to her directly, but whatever answer she give's I'd be cool with it and drop it..

    See, here's where we hit the problem. The only thing better than pretending like you don't care is actually not caring; likewise, the only thing better than pretending to be busy is ACTUALLY BEING BUSY. I'm not saying punish her, I'm saying go out with your buds. There is a HUGE difference.

    Another thing: She didn't think twice about asking you whether or not it was cool for her to make all those plans. Why are you asking her to consider changing them? Which is also why you should consider just making plans with your buddies and going through with them. You're excited, I get it, but you need to worry more on your thoughts being needy than your actions, because your actions are a product of your thoughts, and your thoughts are still in an infatuation stage. Don't get a bandaid. Fix the problem.

    Having you be busy on Saturday is just as much about you keeping yourself in check as it is about conditioning your girlfriend and reminding her of your worth. If you make her the focus of your world, what happens if she leaves? PUA isn't a light switch--even AFC Adam still lives it up with his buddies after being married. She fell for who you were and that is a high value male. You can't afford to change that.
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  10. #10
    Rando9009 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Can't see GF for a week, hanging with friends. Advice?

    Ya you're definatly right, I don't want to make her the entire focus of my world, and I won't. I've been through enough relationships to know that's not a good thing.

    And just being honest, if I'm making plans with friends, it will be during this week when she's chilling with her's. I already agreed, and therefore we are already planning on hanging out this weekend. If is was to suddenly switch this... not only do I not want to because I want to see her, but it would also be pulling the rug out from under her.

    I guess what I'm just trying to get at, is how to go about handling the "planning of the week" with a gf, when you encounter that you're plans for the week on hanging out... don't exactly match up with hers. Do you just let her do her own thing, or is there a time where I stand up for what I want to do (to a certain extent)..

    I kind of phrased that last sample question to her poorly: What about this other one:

    "so did you have set plans thursday night then with that girl? Cuz if not I could hang out, and maybe she could come out this weekend with us?"

    Say something like this, or not mention it at all. I know I'm being repetitive here sorry! I really want to ask about it once more so she slightly gets my concern here, but I don't want to give her a bad vibe that I'm really hung up on it either.


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