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  1. #1
    RavenSword is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Need some advice to quit being an AFC

    Ok, so I have finaly decided to quite being the AFC i have always been.

    but quite frankly this is very hard to do because I have convinced myself for so long that I am not going to be able to get with women and be able to be attractive to them. See, all my life I have been convinced that its all about looks. or that my personality wasnt good enough to accomodate my lack of sex appeal. whenever I see someone who I think isnt very attractive with women that are very attractive, I think that they have something that I dont. and that certain thing will forever ellude me.

    I also am a rather anxious and paranoid person. I read too much into things and assume the worse. I try very hard not to do this, but I keep doing this. it prevents me from trying things I read or things people tell to me. For example, when my mom tells me that people always told me I was good looking, i think shes lying because shes my mom and shes trying to make me feel better. ]

    Its paranoid things like that.

    See, I feel this confidant, great person inside of me. I know it exists, but I cant seem to manifest it into my real self. It might sound silly, but every since I saw the movie Iron Man, I always kinda idolized Robert Downey jr's protrayel of Tony stark. In fact I remember leaving that theater completely jealous of that character. I wasnt jealous of his destructive behavior, but rather the character who he really was. Confidant, arrogant, brilliant, knowing what he wanted, not giving a sh1t what people thought. He knew who he was. He knew he was the man. and I wanted to be like that.

    I honestly believe I have a Tony Stark person inside of me, but cant seem to get him out or I feel its strange to try and model myself after a fictional character. This goes beyond just meeting women, its about all aspects of my life.

    Any guidance?

  2. #2
    Sal_Paradise's Avatar
    Sal_Paradise is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice....

    Yeah, I'm right there with you man. Most of us aren't born into being Tony Starks. And I don't think that we want to be just like him but we do want to keep our power for ourselves, not need the approval of others and go after what we want with calm confidence.

    The bottom line is it's going to take practice and commitment. But, hey it's a fun journey, who doesn't like socializing? I think really paying attention to the social situations you're in is the key. Do I need to say this, lead this way, not say this... As you keep on thinking about it and paying attention, your intuition gets better. Normally it's best to go with your gut, make your decisions quickly and not worry about the outcome.

    Don't lean on people. I highly recommend Stuart Wilde's book "Silent Power." It's a tiny book you can read in a few hours but the main point of the book is that when you "lean" into people they resent the fact that you're tying to take energy from them. But when you lay back and offer value they naturally try to fill that vacuum.

    I think the number one thing is going out and being social as often as possible. Thoughtful practice makes perfect.

  3. #3
    RavenSword is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice....

    Quote Originally Posted by Sal_Paradise1439 View Post
    Yeah, I'm right there with you man. Most of us aren't born into being Tony Starks. And I don't think that we want to be just like him but we do want to keep our power for ourselves, not need the approval of others and go after what we want with calm confidence.

    The bottom line is it's going to take practice and commitment. But, hey it's a fun journey, who doesn't like socializing? I think really paying attention to the social situations you're in is the key. Do I need to say this, lead this way, not say this... As you keep on thinking about it and paying attention, your intuition gets better. Normally it's best to go with your gut, make your decisions quickly and not worry about the outcome.

    Don't lean on people. I highly recommend Stuart Wilde's book "Silent Power." It's a tiny book you can read in a few hours but the main point of the book is that when you "lean" into people they resent the fact that you're tying to take energy from them. But when you lay back and offer value they naturally try to fill that vacuum.

    I think the number one thing is going out and being social as often as possible. Thoughtful practice makes perfect.
    Yeah, but its hard when you've acted a certain way for so long .

  4. #4
    Sal_Paradise's Avatar
    Sal_Paradise is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice to quit being an AFC

    Right, so you shouldn't expect to change over night. Those who can think over the long term are the most successful in life. Commit to the mastery path and remember that life is about the jouney as well as the destination.

    I suggest reading Mastery by George Leonard.

  5. #5
    Dj Chill is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice....

    Quote Originally Posted by RavenSword View Post
    Yeah, but its hard when you've acted a certain way for so long .
    Some key words to note there.

    Need to have real life experiences to back up your beliefs and to solidify the behavior into your character.

    Right now your trying to understand theories and decipher what works and what doesnt. Once you figure out what works and have solid proof of your own to back that up you'll start to modify your ways...or at least one would hope. I know some of the beliefs I have understanding all of this would be almost the exact opposite of what the ordinary guy would believe....but because of have some experience backing up these beliefs I cannot turn away and deny them as truths. At the same time I am no master as I am always open to learn and to witness new things, fail to keep an open mind and it will bite you in the ass sooner or later.

    Need to have a bit of enlightenment and understanding discovered on your own will to bring everything to the front.

    I know of guys that refuse to change their AFC ways and still succumb to the same outcomes all the time with women. They blame everything else but their damn selves.Theyll toss any experience out the window instead of learning from it and tuning themselves for the better. Worse yet hanging around guys like these will almost brainwash you into the same mindset if you don't know any better. Almost like lemmings...following the crowd.

    And to highly note as well, your admiring traits from a fictional movie character, nothing wrong with that but remember that is scripted and a controlled reality....it may pose similar comparisons to real life but they are not identical translations.

  6. #6
    RavenSword is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice....

    Quote Originally Posted by Dj Chill View Post
    Some key words to note there.

    Need to have real life experiences to back up your beliefs and to solidify the behavior into your character.

    Right now your trying to understand theories and decipher what works and what doesnt. Once you figure out what works and have solid proof of your own to back that up you'll start to modify your ways...or at least one would hope. I know some of the beliefs I have understanding all of this would be almost the exact opposite of what the ordinary guy would believe....but because of have some experience backing up these beliefs I cannot turn away and deny them as truths. At the same time I am no master as I am always open to learn and to witness new things, fail to keep an open mind and it will bite you in the ass sooner or later.

    Need to have a bit of enlightenment and understanding discovered on your own will to bring everything to the front.

    I know of guys that refuse to change their AFC ways and still succumb to the same outcomes all the time with women. They blame everything else but their damn selves.Theyll toss any experience out the window instead of learning from it and tuning themselves for the better. Worse yet hanging around guys like these will almost brainwash you into the same mindset if you don't know any better. Almost like lemmings...following the crowd.

    And to highly note as well, your admiring traits from a fictional movie character, nothing wrong with that but remember that is scripted and a controlled reality....it may pose similar comparisons to real life but they are not identical translations.
    No, I see what you mean. I guess I just need to man up. I have anxiety , so that makes me over think and panic over things.

  7. #7
    Sal_Paradise's Avatar
    Sal_Paradise is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice to quit being an AFC

    Make sure you're not focused on the negative. For instance don't get focused on 'overcoming anxiety.' Instead ask a positive how question. This is great to do whenever you encounter a fear or frustration.

    Maybe a good how question would be, "How can I learn to be calm and confident around women?"

    Start thinking of some answers to your question and go out and start doing them. We can talk about our problems all day but we wont start achieving our goals until we start doing something.

  8. #8
    RavenSword is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice to quit being an AFC

    Quote Originally Posted by Sal_Paradise1439 View Post
    Make sure you're not focused on the negative. For instance don't get focused on 'overcoming anxiety.' Instead ask a positive how question. This is great to do whenever you encounter a fear or frustration.

    Maybe a good how question would be, "How can I learn to be calm and confident around women?"

    Start thinking of some answers to your question and go out and start doing them. We can talk about our problems all day but we wont start achieving our goals until we start doing something.
    Indeed. I mean , it's not like a girl will bite my head off if I say something wrong.

    It's just I'm so focused in doing the right thing that I'm not enjoying the process. I'm always afraid of hurting people's feelings.

  9. #9
    RavenSword is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice to quit being an AFC

    Quote Originally Posted by RavenSword View Post
    Indeed. I mean , it's not like a girl will bite my head off if I say something wrong.

    It's just I'm so focused in doing the right thing that I'm not enjoying the process. I'm always afraid of hurting people's feelings.
    Another issue is that I really dont like how my face looks. I have these weird frown wrinkles and large dimples, and my smile is actualy kinda creepy IMO. I dont know if this can be fixed

  10. #10
    Sal_Paradise's Avatar
    Sal_Paradise is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Need some advice to quit being an AFC

    Well, for one thing women don't place as much importance on looks as men do. But join a gym. Working out will make you look better, even in the face. And if you want to improve your smile, stand in the mirror and practice smiling. A lot of people spend so much time worrying about their problems and thinking they need to change their thinking instead of just going out and fixing the problem!

    Remember what I said before. Don't focus on the negative. Ask how questions in the positive.

    You're going to need to work on this for a while. Building confidence something you do your entire life. I might recommend David DeAngelo's advanced series. It's the only program I really know but I think it's pretty great. It's not just a bunch of technique and surface stuff. He talks a lot about making yourself into the kind of man you want to be and goes a lot into psychology and self image.

    On a cheaper route, the book, "The Charisma Myth" is excellent.

    They are excellent and I use them all the time to neutralize negativity, destigmatize discomfort become more present etc.

    You have to get on the path and enjoy being in the present and working towards a goal. But it's fun! It feels really good to know that you're bettering who you are as a person and you've already started by coming here!
    Last edited by KristiBell; 12-05-2012 at 02:31 PM.


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