She knocked on my door.
I opened my door.
She said Happy Holidays.
--Are you already leavin? I think we should have talked about what happened between us. I think we both got used to this situation so it is no longer embarassing to talk about it.
She said: I think we have already done that.
--Yeah but you've said that this whole thing came out quite bad for you and i wanted to know why you think so.
--Well yeah it did. It was quite stupid, and we didn't think it through.
--But by your writing i felt more than regret or shame. I would like to know what this all meant.
--What could have it meant to you?
--Ask it and i will answer.
--Well, what did it mean to you?
I looked away thinking, scratched my chin then looked back deep into her eyes and said:
--I didn't regret what we did, but i don't like this coldness that is between us now, and i cannot figure out what made this sudden change in you.
--I am not cold, but you are. What happened was too fast. And that summarizes what i feel.
3 seconds of silence we just looked at each other. (awkward silence)
--Because i don't think what was between us can continue in the same way. I won't be able to look at you that way anymore.
--It is too bad that you won't be able. It is not that big of a thing, i mean we didn't have sex.
--Yeah but we crossed the line, and i don't think i would be able to continue our relationship as it was before.
I didn't say anything, just looking at her she was looking at me smiling.
--You should just go with the flow, not thinking about it. Well my hickeys have already started fading. I know yesterday you smiled because i wore a long necked shirt. ;we laughed at this.
--Well yeah. --said I.
My mind was quite fogged the whole time, i was nervous, talked in a soft voice, slowly.
--I said: Well okay then bye. (very soft, and barely audible)
So i hugged her. Gave a kiss on her cheek then tried if i can steal a kiss, but she tilted her head away so i had to give the other kiss on her cheek as well. Then we stood for like 2 seconds with my hands on her hips.
I then walked around her and unlocked the front door.
--Oh you are so timid.
then she said: --So it is not that big deal, you shouldn't stress on it.
She started to tie her shoes.
After like 10 seconds i said, while she was tieing her shoes.
--Because what is between us is good.
She stood up and said:
--But i was the one who got scared more by this whole situation, and still i am the one who act more cool, while you look kind of sad and stressed.
--Because i don't know what this whole thing evoked in you. And thus i don't know how to respond to the situation.
--Yeah but if it was just a joke and trolling as you said we would have stopped. - i said
--Actually we did, you shouldn't stress on this.
we looked into each others eyes again. And as weird as it can be i tried another hug and kiss thing with the same effect as before.
--Now am i trolling? - she said.
--Do it if you want it. - i said. Turning away.
I opened the door for her. She said with her hand on my shoulder not even looking at me:
--I say it is okay.
Outside she half turned back wished happy holidays again i said "bye" and closed the door.
Then went to smoke a goddamn cigarette and posted the earlier reply.
My aura was kind of needy, timid, boyish the whole time.
So this is it.