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Thread: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis with

  1. #1
    isaleem is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis with

    Hello guys,

    Would like to say I feel privileged to have access to this forum with all of its knowledge!

    I will try to keep this short but with at least some detail with the hopes that I can get a few views on this matter

    About me: 20 year old student, I am reading through a lot of material but have yet to properly field test it (scared of ingraining bad habits)

    Girl: HB8/9. Known her reasonably well for the past 5 years or so where she was my doubles partner in badminton (we compete). Previous to that she was a family friend and would come over when we were kids etc. There was a gap of a couple of years when we were around 11 etc etc. I developed feelings, it wasn't mutual (i messed up) but then I got over it partway through uni. Started reading the books and stopped having oneitis.

    Problem: After going cold turkey, she starts initiating innocent convo and suggesting we meet up. Im seeing a few chicks at the moment so haven't had the time so told her no and generally negged her on her organizing skills back when i knew her better.

    now that I have read up more on the game, stuff like "get out of the friends zone" stuff like the october man sequence and magic bullets, would you, if you were in my position try it again with her? if so how would you go about it?

    Major appreciation for all input!

    P.S anybody in the Cardiff Area (You or someone you may know?)

  2. #2
    beaker52 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    If you shut that door firmly when you turned her down for meeting up, then that's unfortunate. Just be honest and say, "Other girls were taking up all my attention but I'd like to catch up with you as a friend." or something. This preselects you, disqualifies you and also provides causation for the fact you turned her down before.

    Did she just want to meet up as friends? or have you had IOI's?

  3. #3
    isaleem is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Hey,

    when I said no it was to meeting up at the time and doing something as she has flaked in the past etc.

    I see your point with the being honest etc, but what would you do once you've disqualified? I find it hard to stay out of the friendzone once I have done that etc.

    Well in this case she suggested it over the phone. However in the past i believe there may have been IOIs but due to my lack of game i failed to pick up on them at the time.



    I think an example that sticks in my mind is when I said off handedly that "can you feel the love tonight by elton john" was my all time favorite song. The next week when im chilling around hers she turns around saying she had to show me something and sings it to me while playing the piano (turns out shes was pretty damn awesome at both).

    A problem she has is that she is awkward and shy, she has stated to me that shes never kissed a guy properly before (I took this as I was friend zoned as she was confiding in me etc)so I fizzled out (if that makes sense).

    There is the issue of how I decided to go cold turkey on her. when we were both drunk (seperatly) she sent me txt etc whilst I was busy with another chick and I replied rather coldly with something along the lines with "why are you texting me now? You hardly ever have before" (stupid I know). She confronts me by saying that she didnt want to lead me on blah blah blah LJBF speil. This is where I have left it until she contacts me again.

    Again sorry for the stupidly long post but this issue i feel is holding me back both with my outer game and my inner game :/

  4. #4
    beaker52 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Don't worry about the long posts buddy, it's what we're here for.

    Let's jump on the inner game real quick:
    - You don't need her
    - There is an abundance of HB available at your whim

    Let's qualify this too. What do you want from her?
    - Her to leave you alone?
    - To be friends?
    - Sex?
    - a Relationship?

    What do *you* want from it? If you know what you want, then you simply pursue it as that and only that, otherwise you send mixed messages and you're inconsistent. Definite DLV.

    If she really did "confront [you] by saying that she didn't want to lead [you] on" after you sent that message, it sounds like she probably was trying to initiate some sort of escalation, and was probably just reacting to the rejection in your prickly message.

    Anyway, decide what you want from her and act accordingly. How to act will be obvious to you, if you need our help you need to specify your goal.

    Now, I've left this til after because I wanted to try and help properly first. I'm not qualified to say whether I'm right or wrong here, but I'm picking up a bit of a bullying vibe from you. Let me explain why:

    - "Problem: After going cold turkey, she starts initiating innocent convo and suggesting we meet up." - Problem. She. Not: Problem. I was seeing some girls.
    - "[I] generally negged her on her organizing skills back when i knew her better" - I negged her
    - "A problem she has is that she is awkward and shy, she has stated to me that shes never kissed a guy properly before so [I took this as I was friend zoned as she was confiding in me]." - Problem she has caused me to feel like this
    - "I replied rather coldly with [...] "why are you Texting me now? You hardly ever have before"." - self explanatory
    - "She confronts me by saying that she didnt want to lead me on." - Sounds like back-pedaling to me. You know, like you did when you were a kid and you made your dad angry?

    Maybe I've just unfortunately picked up the wrong end of the stick.

    From the sounds of it, you guys could be as thick as thieves but you seem to be the one preventing it. Blowing her off because you're too busy with girls, rejecting her harshly because 'she never bothered before'.

    I'm really not trying to be an ass with that bit, I'm just letting you know how I'm receiving and reading it. I've tried my best to explain why too.

  5. #5
    isaleem is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Hey Beaker52,

    I will admit that I wrote another long post, but ended up crashing my computer and lost it! DOH!

    Il try and write this one better however

    With regards to what I want from her: I definitely don't want her to leave me alone, as we enjoyed each others company (well at least I did anyway aha), I'm hoping with the advice that I get on here along with the little bit more experience that I have with women, that I can eventually get into a relationship with her. My goal would to at least K-close with her (but I will need help with that due to her being shy and nervous in person along with being "plain?" via txt/FB or over the phone.

    If I can ask you to elaborate on point 1 and 3 that you made above that would help me with understanding more from where you are coming from. The points you've made have gotten me thinking about things and before I say that I'm not etc I will be checking how I behave with other ladies as I don't want to come across as a bully :/ .
    However with regards to this girl I feel that sometimes I need to text things that would provoke a response from her, due to her being plain and my obvious lack of text game :/ (going to have re-read Tyler Tray ultimate texting guide).

    So all in all my question is, what should I try to do in order to stop preventing things and start progressing things?

    Should I start things from the beginning? Give her a break from contact again whilst changing my appearance and dropping weight for the extra confidence etc? How would you build attraction with someone who knows a fair bit about you?

    Or should I continue with what I have? It gladdens me to know that I may have a shot by the way If so how would I fix my current predicament and build from there?

    If I were to suddenly change how I responded to her, what should I do/read to ensure that I don't come across as that nice guy...?

    Don't worry about being an ass mate, i didn't think you were being one and it sure as hell helped me start thinking again

    Thanks again mate

    Isaleem

  6. #6
    beaker52 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Hi Isaleem,

    No worries.

    Just a quick elaboration (OK, so it didn't turn out so quick :P) as you requested on 1 and 3.

    "Problem: After going cold turkey, she starts initiating innocent convo and suggesting we meet up." - Problem. She. Not: Problem. I was seeing some girls.

    The way you spoke about this could have been more reflective on yourself. For example, you could have said the same thing like this:

    Problem: I was seeing a few chicks at the time she initiated some conversation suggesting we meet up so I said no.

    That makes it *your* fault. You *were* the one that was too busy after all. The way it was all flipped around made out like she had done something wrong by trying to get in touch with you, which is silly.

    "A problem she has is that she is awkward and shy, she has stated to me that shes never kissed a guy properly before so [I took this as I was friend zoned as she was confiding in me]." - Problem she has caused me to feel like this

    Again, it's really about how you've worded it. She doesn't have a problem with her being awkward and shy. Nor do I. You have the problem with it, but you've tried to make it her problem. Basically you've said '*She* has a problem that made *me* feel friend zoned', like *she* has done something bad to *you*. She is just being her. You have to work with that. Only *you* can feel friend zoned. She doesn't *make* it happen. You do.

    Feeling friend zoned is a problem in the way of what you want. It's your problem in your mind. In reality: It's just an obstacle that you can overcome. I might add it's an obstacle that you're creating for yourself.
    Her awkwardness and shyness? A problem in the way of what you want. It's your problem in your mind. In reality: It's just an obstacle that you can overcome.
    NEWS FLASH. Some women are awkward and shy. As a PUA, it's *your* obstacle to overcome.

    Giving you advice to move forward with your girl. I don't have enough of a good idea of how your relationship is, when you spoke last, how the conversations went. If you think you need to start over, start over.

    You already have a hook point with this girl, you're long term friends. She knows you (and hopefully *likes* you), just be yourself, flirt with her, keep it natural, she'll see right through any falseness if she knows you that well.

    Get in the Alpha mindset - read:
    Abundance Philosophy
    All of Cody's threads in: My Goodbye Speech - Cody
    Meteora's inner game rules
    RB - Avoiding friend zone

    Be natural. Be playful. You like this girl. You've got her attention. Be friendly with her, poke fun (but don't be an asshole), joke around, make her smile, flirt, approach conversations about sex in a playful way. She'll *want* to meet up with you because you're good fun. Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's going to be that hard, seeing as she wanted to meet up with you. You just need to navigate the fact you turned her down. Rather than *you* suggesting you meet up, it needs to be *her idea*, maybe because you now appear more receptive to the idea.

    When you meet up, you make it really enjoyable for her, get her smiling and laughing, get the kino going and escalate. There are whole boards and threads dedicated to each of these topics, but they're steps away yet!

  7. #7
    isaleem is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Thank you again for the informative and quick response mate. It is appreciated :P

    I now see what our mean with regards to the issues.
    with point 1: I see your point, it think it was my poor attempt to preselect myself and attempt to dhv myself, obviously failed.

    With point 2: I again see your point. Thank you for this.

    With regards to her suggesting the meet, should I just wait and wait? or shall I try and get her to suggest it by first talking to her?

    You say that I have a hook so I wont try and tear things down and start again, just be natural as you said.

    You say that I am steps away from kino and escalation...what would the prior steps be?

    I meet up, make it enjoyable for her and act natural. If she isnt used to kino from me, would I just do kino as I do with others?

    Without being too much a fool and asking this again, would you again say as you previously said: "Other girls were taking up all my attention but I'd like to catch up with you as a friend." and then let her suggest a meeting?

    Cheers for the help again btw buddy!

  8. #8
    SonnyCurtis is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Totally agree with beaker52. OP you need to get out of your head. Don't worry so much about gaming this chick. You've been close friends for a long time you don't need to game her like a bar slut. Stop over thinking it man, this girl likes you so stop second guessing yourself and have fun with her. It will happen if you let it.

  9. #9
    isaleem is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Thanks for the help guys, hugely informative

    Okay, so to clarify and to get some opinions on something, I need to chill out and let it happen, follow the kino/escalation as I may have already gotten attraction and comfort...right?

    I need to get her to suggest a meet up, what would you reckon is a correct way?

    Shes mentioned that I should come and visit her at uni quote "it would totally be awesome! There's plenty of room!", reckon I should try and get her to suggest it again?

    Was thinking of something like:
    me: Hey doofus Hows uni treating you? done anything stupid lately?

    her: yes/no blah blah

    Me: If yes, say something like that's awesome, I need to have a stupid night out as Cardiff is really boring now

    If no, say something along the lines of: Seriously? nothing? I thought you lead an exciting life, what happened? Youve put me off visiting for good now! haha

    Her: hopefully suggest me coming up, and then continue.

    Is there anything that you would change that is majorly flawed in this plan?

    Also for good measure here is the last of one of our conversations, if you can glean any insight to the flaws in my game that would also be great

    APOLOGIES AS ITS BADLY FORMATTED

    Hey dork
    keeping out of trouble?

    21:03
    Ana Cowie
    hey idiot yep. i had a slight mishap on wednesday but apart from that i have been good
    what have you been up to recently?

    21:08
    Ishaak Saleem
    having fun at uni, projects are so much fun

    21:09
    Ana Cowie
    haha sounds fun! when are they in for?

    21:09
    Ishaak Saleem
    theyre all in for friday. so no sleep for me the next few days. joy!

    21:10
    Ana Cowie
    dammn. get of facebook then !!

    21:10
    Ishaak Saleem
    fine, didnt want to talk to you either

    21:11
    Ana Cowie
    haha well i will probably see you next tuesday at badminton

    21:12
    Ishaak Saleem
    no you won't, Im taking a break from badminton for a bit
    sucker!

    21:12
    Ana Cowie
    awww why?
    haha

    21:12
    Ishaak Saleem
    I have to focus on improving other sports and stuff
    im taking up shooting and now im the vicve president of CUCF

    21:13
    Ana Cowie
    woooow. why are you doing so much new stuff? cant you still play badminton over the christmas holidays though???

    21:14
    Ishaak Saleem
    Im so busy over these days i barely get time to sleep haha
    plus it tends to conflict with the session Im running at the gym

    21:15
    Ana Cowie
    awww rubbish. we will have to meet up some time in the holidays then

    21:16
    Ishaak Saleem
    Have your organising skills improved that much?!

    21:16
    Ana Cowie
    haha they definately have

    21:18
    Ishaak Saleem
    cool, Il leave it to you to sort something out

    21:19
    Ana Cowie
    ok coool. shall we try and get holly involved too?

    21:19
    Ishaak Saleem
    Guten abends. Wie gehts? Was machen Sie am wochenede? X
    bugger, wrong person

    21:19
    Ana Cowie
    hahahahahahahaha
    impressive

    21:20
    Ishaak Saleem
    atleast you cant understand it!
    if you can handle organising 3 people at once then sure
    has to be something new though

    21:21
    Ana Cowie
    haha i just google translated it so HA! umm sure i will try and organise something
    what do you mean new?

    21:21
    Ishaak Saleem
    so so sad
    cool, surprise me

    21:23
    Ana Cowie
    what do you mean by new though haha? i have no idea

    21:24
    Ishaak Saleem
    new generally means something we havent done before
    usaully we fail to do anything, so we have to do something

    21:24
    Ana Cowie
    haha ok. we will do something i promise

  10. #10
    beaker52 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Read the books but not field tested, help with girl that I HAD oneitis

    Your convo: generally, stop being so distant/passive with her.

    And:
    ie. Shall I invite holly?
    You say: Yeah, whatever.
    You should say: Well, I was thinking just the two of us go <grab Nando's/skydiving/whatever> and hang out <like we did that time? like we used to after badminton?>

    This escalates the conversation, by suggesting intention *but* then subtly disqualifying the intention and maybe even draws on positive memories by referring to 'the old days' when two used to hang out more regularly.

    If she's attracted to you, she'd be excited to see whether you intend to escalate by making it just the two of you. If she's not attracted to you, she can shrug off the intention as you being sentimental.

    Trying to k/f-close with another 'omg I havent seen you in ages, what have you been up to' mutual friend there will be tough. You should be able to build towards it however.

    ------------

    General advice:

    Although you should not hold the woman on a pedestal, you should not stand alone on the pedestal yourself. When you are interested in women, you should be inviting them to stand on the pedestal with you. Note: with you. Maybe a slightly smaller pedestal than yours, but you get the idea :P

    At the moment you're all very aloof and distant.
    e.g. I'll leave it up to you to sort out. Shall I bring Holly? yeah, whatever. What shall we do? Whatever, just make it new.

    My advice? No more negging. Be a gentleman, remember you are giving her a gift because you have chosen to. You are inviting her up, so don't kick her down.

    All this said, she must like you. If I were your friend and you seemed that distant, I wouldn't really want to organise to something so we could hang out.


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