This is not necessarily a post about how to break out of the friend zone, though doing such steps could result in it.
When men hear the dreaded words friend zone, it tends to evoke memories of fruitless pursuits of women, full of rejection and heartache. Perhaps in our more inexperienced days, we agreed to the LJBF statement made by the girl, hoping that our acts of generosity would eventually be rewarded. Only we end up losing our patience and blow up in the girl's face, leaving the girl to wonder what exactly happened.
That's what I call a one-way friendship and it's not going your way.
In any relationship, romantic or platonic, both parties need to gain benefits for it to remain a healthy relationship. The benefits should be ongoing tangible ones, not hopeful future ones. Also the amount of benefits each side is getting from the other should be about even, or at least neither party should feel anything left to be desired. This applies to any relationship, not just relationships with women.
Before we list out all the right things to do in a good relationship, let's summarize all the negatives to the typical, much-maligned friend zone we've all grown to know all too well.
- We spend our time and effort for the girl, only for her not to reciprocate.
- Even though we're agreed to be friends with the girl, a lot times she doesn't show up for events people you call your friends would always show up for (ie. your birthday party, general hangouts).
- She shows no interest in doing you favors such as going out with you as a wing-girl to help DHV with other women.
So what is the problem? I though we were friends? Obviously, you cannot treat her like your male friends, but some similarities remain regardless. Think about the most undesirable people in your life, the weird guys in school, or the annoying people at work. Could you be friends with these people? Of course not, but why not? It's because you view their actions negatively, and what this causes is a lack of respect for these people in your mind.
Respect is a very important part of any healthy relationship.
Now there are plenty of literature out there on how acting like a doormat makes the girl lose all respect for you, but let's look at it from your side. Think about why you chose to stay friends with the girl. Sure we're attracted to pretty girls, but the ones we're willing to hopelessly pursue must have something more than we want. Maybe it's her pleasant attitude, or her headstrong personality. Regardless, we have some form of respect for her.
Respect. And that is all you need to start a true friendship with a girl. Think about how ecstatic you would be to hang out with your idol. If she views you in this light, she would hang out with you at every calling. In fact, she would most likely fall for you at this point. You might have to be careful not to have her be in the dreaded "friend zone" spot. Remember the relative balance a relationship should have I talked about earlier.
So why should we care about becoming just friends with a girl, even in the correct way? Well I think most people are interested in having friends in general. Also, here are some benefits when managed correctly:
- If you still like her, and she isn't already hitched, she'll want you.
- You'll have access to a wider circle of people including her friends. Be careful she's not the jealous type.
- When you go out with her, it's an automatic DHV. Once again on the jealousy thing.
- You can practice game on her and get more comfortable with women.
Some pitfalls can already inferred from benefits above. If she really wants you, and you don't want her, you've created an imbalanced relationship. While it's better than you being on the short end, it's not fair to the girl, and she won't be so keen on giving you many of the benefits, especially the ones involving other women.
Personally, I only make these friendships with women I deem to have a decent level of self-esteem and confidence. Also women who are in good relationships with their boyfriend are good candidates, though they may be less willing to go out with you. If it's a girl you like that you are currently in the toxic friend zone with, doing this will likely attract her, though you may surprisingly find yourself losing interest in her once you've won her over.
So if the only difference between the bad friend zone and a healthy friendship is respect, that should be pretty easy then right? Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. I will try to list out what you need to earn that respect, but words can only do so much. Most of it is mentally on you.
It is a known fact the person with less attraction towards the other has the advantage. However, attraction work differently between men and women. While you may fall head over heels for a pretty face, girls value other qualities like confidence and how she feels around you. Respect works hand in hand with this. It has a direct relation with rapport and her general view on you. Here are some things that will garner respect:
- Solid inner-game, high confidence. A girl will only have respect with someone that is sure of themselves.
- A high standard. This is a personal thing. For example, you go out everywhere dressed well, not only when you're with women.
- You are choosy when it comes to relationships. This goes with the standard thing above. Your friends are all decent people and respect you. This shows that she should be honored that you would consider her your friend. That said, we all have crappy friends we've known forever. If you don't want to drop them as you grow, just don't introduce them to her. Remember you choose who your friends are, and they are viewed as a greater extension of yourself.
- Your interactions with the girl should be give and take. Make her work for your friendship. This is similar to push pull in many ways. So don't bend at her every whim. Also, remember she's not your only friend, so don't make yourself too available.
- Respect is dynamic. You can lose it just as quickly as you've gained it. Continue being playful and confident towards her. You should never act like an AFC.
Hopefully, this will help you build better relationships with women, and open you up to more people. I used to only have male friends who were true friends. Every time I met a girl I like, I'd attempt something, fail, and not even make a meaningful relationship with the girl. Imagine how many more people you'll meet and how many more opportunities you'd have if every failed attempt resulted in a healthy friendship. This realization has led me to a much more fulfilling life.
Thanks for your time. I know it was a bit long .