so i was into this incredibly attractive girl, she always sort of yoyo'd in and out of my life. whenever we would be hanging out i wouldn't entertain her higher value. she would start jokingly tell everyone that i was her "husband" sometimes she'd hold my arm. now myself always putting myself down and lacking confidence i interpreted this action by her as a playful friendly tease and nothing would come from it, and why should it? i had been demonstrating low value. the funny thing is i would tell people infront of her that i think she's crazy and we are not married. in a playful way of course. i then told her one day to not say call me her husband and told her its getting stale. she agreed, but next time we were together infront of people then BANG she would do it all over again. i wont lie i did enjoy the attention. but what sucked was believing i wouldn't really get with her cause she's way out of my league. then i start getting clingy and messaging her a lot as those playful husband comments started making me fall for her. now i've lost my game at this point even though unsuspectingly and unsuccessfully being able to identify my own game. anyways in true form i loose her, and she's disinterested in me. i think largely due to the fact i know become an "option" for her. Months go by she starts messaging me and i'm not being as engaging and she hints that she wants to come over to my place after her work and come play xbox with me. she finishes work at 11:30 pm at night and works about 30 mins from my house. my first thought, " must be just a friendly game of xbox". Again lowering my self value. lets be real which girl travels 30 mins late at night just to come play xbox and subsequently her house is 30 mins away from mine as well. so i knew she would have to stay over. so we play xbox and i'm just being myself and making her laugh and we start getting tired. i opt to take the couch - again do not feel worthy of this gorgeous creature infront of me- she opts for us to share the bed. so we share the bed. yes didn't end in a happy ending, i was too afraid to capitalize and became stiff and awkward. i couldn't bring myself to snuggle go in for the kiss. Were all the signs there? i dont know. nevertheless she's distanced herself from me again. i really need help. i know a lot of you guys reading this are probably cussing at me and throwing your arms in the air over my blatant inadequate ability to close the deal. and it does make me feel like a loser. and questions my worth in society. any help please i cant live like this anymore.
i am 25, lack self esteem due to being fat. feel like a loser, and expected rejection while still fearing it while i'm actually getting rejected.
an aspiring PUA