First Ė a little about me: Iím basically a recovering AFC who has been a follower this community since around 2006. Iím no expert (youíll see that for yourself!), but the knowledge I have gained from this group has provided me a level of confidence and success with women that would never have been possible otherwise. Iím in all of your debt.
An observation: I think it might be worse to really screw up with a girl when you know Ė or should know - everything thatís going wrong but are still not able to get on the right path. Maybe thatís naÔve Ė but it seems that way.
Why do I need some advice today? Iíll keep this story as short as possible. A few months back, I met a great girl in ideal circumstances. I showcased enough confidence and value in a large venue setting that she approached me and asked me out with virtually no effort on my part (which set up a nice her chasing-me dynamic). Over the ensuing few weeks, we had a few amazing dates (weíre in different cities). Iíve dated enough girls to know when a connection is pretty unusual Ė and this was extraordinary. Iíve dated prettier girls, younger girls, older girls Ė but I canít remember ever connecting so quickly with anyone.
So Ė what did I do? Something I havenít done since before I knew what this word meant. Despite the fact that I was seeing other girls, I developed a nasty case of oneitis. Instead of the natural confidence which would have kept things on a great path, I immediately started overthinking everything and played WAY too cool. I was cocky where I didnít need to be and cool/avoidant where it wasnít warranted. This girl is pretty confident and has some history behind her, so (not shockingly) she went into major auto-rejection and bailed on me.
If only that was the worst part of the storyÖanybody want to guess what happens next?
Right. Once I figured out (i.e. she told me Ė in a long email) what happened, my logical mind thought ďOh, no problem. She got nervous because I didnít let her know how I felt about her Ė I can fix this!Ē Only Ė we all know itís not that simple and I think you can imagine the crash/burn that followed. Whereas I needed to slowly rebuild this with equal parts attraction, comfort and rapport, I just became a sappy tool and pretty much destroyed every bit of value I had established in her mind (and then some, really). Bad times, my friends Ė and I couldnít really see what I had done until the damage was irreversible.
In the aftermath of making a huge fool of myself and failing to salvage this ruined (oneitis) relationship, I did two things. First, I ended our communication (which is to say I FORMALLY ended our communication Ė I was pretty much only in contact with her at that point due to pity/charity, I would say). Also, I decided that I would put at least a 60 day moratorium on any attempt to re-engage.
I have no illusions about this this situation. Iím actually much worse off than if I randomly met this confident high-status girl and tried to engage her for the first time. To bank on what had been going VERY well would be to completely misunderstand the dynamic. Even worse, Iíve already come on both too cool AND too intense/beta/sappy Ė so itís going to be pretty hard to strike the right tone moving forward.
But Ė I also think that part of being a strong/confident man is not giving up in the face of defeat if something is worth it to you. I certainly need to have my head on my shoulders and my frame restored before I can move forward, but I also havenít been locked in a monastery since this happened.
Ok, enough story Ė I actually really want some educated feedback on the following questions:
1. In light of my super self-destruct Ė how long should I wait with no communication before I make a move to re-engage? I feel like more time helps introduce some distance to separate me from my foolish de-valued behavior, but I also worry that too much time will simply make this all irrelevant. It will be ancient history.
2a. What tone do I take to re-approach? I have phone, text and email as options Ė but we never really spoke on the phone. I feel like I have to be lighthearted and confident, but I donít want to seem too aloof or cocky again. Suggestions?
2b. Do I Ė even casually Ė invoke some of the positive/memorable moments of our relationship in this communication, or do I need to play this much more casual than that?
3. Suggestions on how to create and maintain the right grounded/confident frame now that I am the one who has to try to get this moving? I donít struggle with this in general, but the situation is heavily leveraged against me. If I canít reflexively embody the kind of strength I showed early in the relationship, Iím going to get BLOWN out.
Thanks for your advice Ė you can tell this situation has really put a chink in my armor!