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Thread: A woman who was abused maybe?

  1. #1
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    Default A woman who was abused maybe?

    Hello everyone,

    A background here. Met this chic in school 2 years ago and we became good friends. She was in a 3 1/2 year relationship that ended badly in 2010 so she was a year single when she met me. While she was telling me this and other personal drama from her past relationship, we were talking on a deeper level, i asked if her boyfriend ever forced her to have sex (sexually abused)... she never answered me and kept looking down.

    We dated a bit for the first few months of 2012 but then as time progressed she became flaky. She did admit to me that she has feelings for me but is not ready for a relationship and want to take things a bit slow. After telling me this, her flakiness and unreliability increased with the classic "i'm really BUSY" excuses. I freezed her a few times but when we do meet, she's all excited to see me but still with the flakiness. She became jealous when i asked one of her friends to go out (wasn't intentional but it worked). I started to feel more like an option... no attention, no appreciation, no interest to meet with me so i friend-zoned her over the holidays. She agrees to be friends with me where right now she's pretending like everything is normal.

    She admitted to me some time ago that she doesn't respond to touch very well especially hugs from men but got "over it a bit".

    I am guessing this woman has been abused which would account for her behavior. Maybe i'm right? Gentlemen how did you deal with women who were sexually abused in the past?

    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: A woman who was abused maybe?

    Easy. I never got into a relationship with them. Lol.

    But really, if you are interested in something serious with her than its going to be quite the uphill battle.

    You have to basically MASTER frame control. Why? Because she will justify all her issues in the current relationship with you by pointing the finger at her past and that you should be "understanding." So you can't allow her to do that. There's a difference between addressing her issues and reinforcing them. Besides, you shouldn't be playing counselor or savior to your partner.

    All you have to do is be happy and positive around her. You can talk about her feelings and issues, but don't add to it. You need a strong frame for this because she will unconsciously try to bring you down. You need a strong frame to bring her up.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

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    Default Re: A woman who was abused maybe?

    Hey Batman! Been a long time!

    When you speak frame control, do you mean there 2 examples by Red Baron?:

    http://www.puaforums.com/game/17574-...e-control.html

    http://www.puaforums.com/game/17751-...nner-game.html

    She hasn't justified anything, well as yet. I called her on her BS and i friend-zoned her. She didn't even try to agree or deny my reasoning on why i made my decision but simply said "she does not want to talk about it" and agreed to be friends. Never accounted for her behavior unless she realizes that i am too close in figuring her out?

    It's going to be kinda hard to just drop her as we do the same courses in school together, and i do agree about not being her counselor but as you said, how do i address her issues Batman? and what frame do i need to bring her up?

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    Default Re: A woman who was abused maybe?

    I wanted to add that you must be careful when getting into her issues too soon.

    You want to be the fun one in her mind. U want her to think fun and excitement when she thinks of u.

    If u get into her past early on in a relationship, one of two things will happen... you will turn into her counselor 'friend' or worst case scenario, she will associate you with those negative feelings that u bring up when ur around her.

    Always keep it fun and light until a few months in (or until u have had enough face time alone with a girl).
    Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
    Oscar Wilde


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    Default Re: A woman who was abused maybe?

    Hello Lockdown!

    I agree with you. When we was getting to know each other in 2011 which would be a year for her being single, she brought up her past relationship a bit so i hardly did any digging. (Lots of trust during qualify stage). When i read her frame and body langauge i realized more went down than simply "things didn't work out" So when i did ask her if she was forced sexually or abused, that is when she stopped talking about it and never answered. I always thought she didn't want to continue talking about her past as that is a part of "getting over your ex" and I never brought it up since.

    Since then i did keep it fun and light all into 2012. We also had a lot of face time as you said and never mentioned anything. Over time she admitted that she wasn't into hugging men and didn't responded to touch well but got over it a bit. She brought it up out of the blue when we saw an old couple hugging in the park and discussing it.

    Since calling her on her BS we never discussed what happened. We agree to be friends but she still have feelings for me. I don't know how long the "pretending nothing is wrong" game is going to last. If she does decide to be serious with me, she knows she has to account for what happened and her behavior. Maybe at the right moment she would talk about it but just have to let her be for now and go out with other chics. Right now is just unknown territory.

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    Default Re: A woman who was abused maybe?

    Red Baron understands frame control very well. Any advice he gives on it I agree with.



    The difference between being the counselor and just being there for her is your input. Do you try to analyze her issues and tell her what she should do to change it? If you do, then DON'T. All YOU need to do is....listen. Like a friend? Good boyfriends can still listen to their gfs feelings. Just let her talk, nod your head, and comfort her when you can while saying "It'll be ok." This is what's called venting. Know the difference when someone wants your advice, or simply just wants someone to listen. Women have told me many times before that no one has made them feel more comfortable than I. And these were women I was involved with.



    Your frame with her should be something like this;



    - Everyone goes through things. We choose to let it hold us back or push us forward



    - She is that happy person already, she has just been lost for a little bit.



    - You only live once (classic)



    - Everytime she is around you she is going to forget her troubles. You are her escape.



    You don't need to say these things verbatim. Just have them in mind whenever you interact with her. If you have consistency then she should eventually accept your frame and you'll be fine as long as you keep it up. This is just my opinion though so feel free to be skeptical.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  7. #7
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    Default Re: A woman who was abused maybe?

    Good Stuff! Thank you for the additional frame tips Batman.

    I wasn't analyzing her before but i had too when she started to flake a lot, when her attention was dropping and wasn't showing me appreciation. This only happened the last 4 mths out of 2 1/2 years knowing her. If she was communicating on what was going on with her, i woulda listen to her and be cool with it but "i'm really busy" wasn't cutting it. Even while she was treating me like that for that time, i still didn't say anything too her because i didn't want to come to any quick conclusions, and to also show her that i did my part as a man, she dropped the ball and now she is loosing out.

    In my speech of friend-zoning her, i told her why i think she was behaving the way she was and my only "advise" was that she can't keep running away from her feelings and that she have to face them eventually. This is under the assumption that she is still feeling from her previous relationship. I NEVER mentioned anything about my "theory" that she has been abused at all even though she gave me clues. That was one road i did not want to go down at all unless she brings it up first.

    I did tell her that i am open to listen to what she has to say and she knows this because i always listen to her times before. Before friend-zoning her, i tried to set up a meeting to hear her side of the story on her behavior since she knew "i'm really busy" excuses was getting lame. She will agree to a meeting time and then flake or never get back to me at all with it, then pretend nothing is wrong when we bounce up.

    It is this certain issue i suspect she does not want to talk about even though she knows i will sit and listen to what she has to say.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: A woman who was abused maybe?

    Quick question, even though i friend-zoned her, and the abuse factor, should i still kino her? Since she turned me off a bit i don't feel i can do it naturally like before.


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