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  1. #1
    DrDan is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default sharing a growth experience! :)

    Met a woman with one foot out the door. We met up and hooked up that night due to verbal patterning, etc.

    She suddenly did get busy. The mediation process, taking care of her ailing grandmother with nobody else to help, her son with special needs.

    We hooked up a couple of times. Both of us became attached. At least, I did. We were both saying, "Ily." She was planning for future, one with me in it. I texted her more than she did me, but I knew she was busy.

    Later we met up to talk. She gave me the "let's just be . . ." thing. And she mentioned that babydaddy, not to be confused with soon-to-be-ex, had retracted moving away, was in hot pursuit, and he had more of an in being babydaddy and mutual friends. She told me she had told him the same thing, that she could in no way see any end to the grandmother/son thing until at least April.

    I mentioned that I thought it stupid to go back to an ex like that, but I suspected they were moving into being back together due to her wording.

    I went to work, was upset and so on. I decided that I was not going to be there whilst she lamented the losers she might be with in the future when she could be with me. So I sent her a message letting her know:

    Her reply:
    No, honestly, I don't understand. But when you are ready to be "friends" again, send me a request.

    I am truly sorry that I have hurt you and no one is harder on me than myself. I can guarantee you that - my father instilled a healthy sense of shame and self-deprecation in me.
    I am still struggling to take care of my son and grandmother with my brothers bailing out on helping me. I've had to leave my Granny alone for over two hours at a time just so I can go pick up my boy. When she takes that irrevocable stumble one day in my absence, it will be on my conscience and not the so-and-so that was supposed to be here relieve me.
    Again, I am so sorry for not being available to you. Best wishes, hopes, and prayers for you and your beautiful boys.


    Me:

    i know you are harder on yourself than most anybody could be. After all, i have paid lots of attention to you. wanted to let you know that I wasn't too butthurt nor angry nor disappointed and that i am not just snubbing you. So you wouldn't be too angry with yourself.

    i would have been honored to have been strong and been there for you throughout all this. and i would have been honored to have waited. my heart is fearless and big. somebody as loyal and caring doesn't just come along.

    am dating and going about my business. by fall, I plan to have that better job. by winter, I plan to be in my house. I have alot to offer and am dating, starting this weekend.

    having said that, when things ease up and they will have to, don't feel guilted into feeling like you have wronged me so much that you cannot check in when you can be fully involved. it's true: i can't wait on or be there for somebody that refuses that. and I can't do fickle. those times I told you i loved you, I meant it and thought you did too when you said it back. I have also been reminded that there are certain things I cannot tolerate, but you and I could talk honestly about that all if it came up. i was temporarily so smitten that I forgot that there are ways in which i want to be treated.

    anyway, I do have to protect my heart and get some objectivity from you. and I didn't want to seem cold and abrupt with you, so I let you just that i felt i should at least temporarily "defriend" you on facebook. then wanted to be tender enough toward you to let you know why. i am not big on texting somebody and then waiting on them to text me back or wondering if they will at all. so I would like to ask you to remember that you can call anytime you want. take care until then. back to what I was doing now.

    What I meant to do was to block at least for a while, not defriend. And good luck to you and too if that goes any further.

    Call anytime you want. If we never talk or type or anything again, just know that you will always matter to me and I learned some good things from this.



    Ain't got time for nunna that. I am extremely proud of myself for having let her know without whining, getting mad, nor even being impolite. This is a breakthrough for me, though it might seem silly. In high school, I would have wept over and over. Later, I would have howled out "F%$^ you! I have enough friends" and Betaed out.

    I feel good for being dominant, for being willing to walk, for not sitting around and supplicated, for having created a situation where she will have to come to me, and for being ok whether she does or not!



    I don't think I so much want advice as many times people on these forums operate out of a knee-jerk sense of parroting all the hoohaa. I did want to get on here and share. If you want to help me analyze the situation while keeping in mind there may be variables involved, please do so.

  2. #2
    DrDan is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    Am thinking I might wait a couple months for me to get less enamored and gaga. (And I am getting there already.) And for her to get Granny, mediation, and maybe babydaddy out of her system. Then deblock and see what happens. I'm not doing this to be contingent on her jumping back into my arms and don't even know how I would feel about that after fickleness. I need to do this for me. Will consider any input you have about not so much what I didn't and didn't do. But whether I am on the right track here or not.

  3. #3
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    TheDuke is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    You did the right thing. Let her go and work on moving on. If she comes back to you in the future, then you get to make the decision; if she doesn't you've moved on with your life so no skin off your back.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  4. #4
    DrDan is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    Thanks, Duke. I think that this unacceptance of LJBF might make her return. If not, I keep my self-esteem and such. A female friend suggested that I leave with "something that says you see her in a way that no one else can truly 'see' her...that makes her feel completely unique, appreciated, adored...because later--when some guy makes her feel like less, she'll think of you. And truly--you will likely be over her by then, but your written conviction will make it seem that what you felt once could not possibly be subject to fading over time." But I have already done that before, written her great poetry and so with success. And I know that she will appreciate the dominant male given her bedroom proclivities. Also, I don't want to be the one to reach out in any way for a couple months. (I am thinking.)

  5. #5
    DrDan is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    update: i unblocked and sent a friend request on fb. a couple female friends who are truthful with me suggested that i might have come across as harsh and too ultimatumy. which i kinda agree with and kinda not. agree because it was harsh. but disagree because it doesn't hurt somebody to know i will get angry. and walk. just to see what happens (and having nothing to lose),

    i texted "I am sorry. I acted like a butt and overreacted a bit. I sincerely do apologize for that. I want to be able to value our caring about each other. I do indeed tend to rush into things, and I most definitely did exactly that given the circumstances. If you need anything, I am here for you. Hugs."

    she texted back "Thanks. I am not a big fan of burning bridges. Regardless of what you said or wrote, your actions seemed to be setting the whole town on fire. It's hard to maintain even a friendship on scorched earth." i texted back letting her know I was more inconsiderate than I could have stood to have been. She typed back, saying that she had to do homework with her son. Apologize that I don't have time to further discuss this.

    Before the posturing about how I was weak starts on here, what I did: 1) let's her know I will walk. 2) let's her know i can apologize 3) keeps me from seeming as clingy as i might have before and 4) keep the door open in the same way, but in a way that won't seem like a slam. duke, i think this will accomplish the last sentence of your post without being so abrupt.

    i want to be less clingy and also less agressive too. they both blur into each other with me. perhaps I could stand to wait a few days, a week to send a short, non-comittal, fairly generic text? what do y'all think about that?
    Last edited by DrDan; 02-05-2013 at 11:34 AM. Reason: paragraph breaks

  6. #6
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    TheDuke is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    I don't know what to tell you. You didn't listen to yourself on and now you're on here trying to justify it. Truthfully, you shouldn't text her at all. If she wants you she'll come to you. But you need to take control of yourself.

    You probably shouldn't have deleted her from facebook in the first place, unless it would have stopped you from moving on. The point is you should move on for yourself and fuck her. If she wants you she'll come back. The fact that you decided to add her again so soon after deleting her makes you look like twat.

    The way you become both less clingy and less aggressive is to stop caring. Both aggression and attachment are emotional responses. Learn to control your emotions. What you've shown with your posts is that you have no control over your emotions.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  7. #7
    DrDan is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    I apologized to her. I didn't have to delete her from Facebook, but I thought I did so as not to pine and to be able to better move on. I thought she might understand that.

    And, yes, I will move on look out for myself in the future.

    "If she wants you she'll come to you. But you need to take control of yourself. . . .The way you become both less clingy and less aggressive is to stop caring. Both aggression and attachment are emotional responses. Learn to control your emotions." Yeah, makes lots of sense.

  8. #8
    DrDan is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    The point seems to be that, even if I'm not getting shit tested, to treat things like it if these things come up. Correct?

  9. #9
    TheDuke's Avatar
    TheDuke is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    No, the point is to move on with your fucking life and stop seeking validation from a woman that is playing games with you. In fact, stop seeking validation from women at all.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  10. #10
    Casio is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: sharing a growth experience! :)

    Hi Dan. Well, first of all: I think this woman used that family situation as an excuse to let you go. Sorry, women can be very subtle. I felt very happy with that straight up message you gave her. For next ocassions don't say a sorry message to her because that will make you look weak. Besides when a woman already lets you go she's not interested in you anymore. I got to agree with Duke on the fact that you shouldn't deleted her if it didn't stop you from moving on. I personally think you shouldn't had sent that friend request or text her that sorry message. When a woman lets you go she lets you go. Yes, women will bring very subtle excuses such as I am busy, I am having a situation or any other thing to let you go but the reality is that they are using that to let you go. I suppose you already moved on since you are guy that has game and are very straight up. Take care pal.


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