Met a woman with one foot out the door. We met up and hooked up that night due to verbal patterning, etc.
She suddenly did get busy. The mediation process, taking care of her ailing grandmother with nobody else to help, her son with special needs.
We hooked up a couple of times. Both of us became attached. At least, I did. We were both saying, "Ily." She was planning for future, one with me in it. I texted her more than she did me, but I knew she was busy.
Later we met up to talk. She gave me the "let's just be . . ." thing. And she mentioned that babydaddy, not to be confused with soon-to-be-ex, had retracted moving away, was in hot pursuit, and he had more of an in being babydaddy and mutual friends. She told me she had told him the same thing, that she could in no way see any end to the grandmother/son thing until at least April.
I mentioned that I thought it stupid to go back to an ex like that, but I suspected they were moving into being back together due to her wording.
I went to work, was upset and so on. I decided that I was not going to be there whilst she lamented the losers she might be with in the future when she could be with me. So I sent her a message letting her know:
No, honestly, I don't understand. But when you are ready to be "friends" again, send me a request.
I am truly sorry that I have hurt you and no one is harder on me than myself. I can guarantee you that - my father instilled a healthy sense of shame and self-deprecation in me.
I am still struggling to take care of my son and grandmother with my brothers bailing out on helping me. I've had to leave my Granny alone for over two hours at a time just so I can go pick up my boy. When she takes that irrevocable stumble one day in my absence, it will be on my conscience and not the so-and-so that was supposed to be here relieve me.
Again, I am so sorry for not being available to you. Best wishes, hopes, and prayers for you and your beautiful boys.
i know you are harder on yourself than most anybody could be. After all, i have paid lots of attention to you. wanted to let you know that I wasn't too butthurt nor angry nor disappointed and that i am not just snubbing you. So you wouldn't be too angry with yourself.
i would have been honored to have been strong and been there for you throughout all this. and i would have been honored to have waited. my heart is fearless and big. somebody as loyal and caring doesn't just come along.
am dating and going about my business. by fall, I plan to have that better job. by winter, I plan to be in my house. I have alot to offer and am dating, starting this weekend.
having said that, when things ease up and they will have to, don't feel guilted into feeling like you have wronged me so much that you cannot check in when you can be fully involved. it's true: i can't wait on or be there for somebody that refuses that. and I can't do fickle. those times I told you i loved you, I meant it and thought you did too when you said it back. I have also been reminded that there are certain things I cannot tolerate, but you and I could talk honestly about that all if it came up. i was temporarily so smitten that I forgot that there are ways in which i want to be treated.
anyway, I do have to protect my heart and get some objectivity from you. and I didn't want to seem cold and abrupt with you, so I let you just that i felt i should at least temporarily "defriend" you on facebook. then wanted to be tender enough toward you to let you know why. i am not big on texting somebody and then waiting on them to text me back or wondering if they will at all. so I would like to ask you to remember that you can call anytime you want. take care until then. back to what I was doing now.
What I meant to do was to block at least for a while, not defriend. And good luck to you and too if that goes any further.
Call anytime you want. If we never talk or type or anything again, just know that you will always matter to me and I learned some good things from this.
Ain't got time for nunna that. I am extremely proud of myself for having let her know without whining, getting mad, nor even being impolite. This is a breakthrough for me, though it might seem silly. In high school, I would have wept over and over. Later, I would have howled out "F%$^ you! I have enough friends" and Betaed out.
I feel good for being dominant, for being willing to walk, for not sitting around and supplicated, for having created a situation where she will have to come to me, and for being ok whether she does or not!
I don't think I so much want advice as many times people on these forums operate out of a knee-jerk sense of parroting all the hoohaa. I did want to get on here and share. If you want to help me analyze the situation while keeping in mind there may be variables involved, please do so.