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Thread: Going from Good to Bad

  1. #1
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    Default Going from Good to Bad

    A lot of people know me inaccurately as the nice guy, willing to help out anyone in a heart beat. However, I hate to be this guy, and recently I have begun to slam on the breaks in an effort to not come off like this.

    In my course of being the nice guy, I have accumulated a lot of girls who are using me for my smarts and abilities. Currently, I have a close friend who is using me for my computer tech skills. She is a huge bitch, and has admitted it herself since we befriended each other back in September. We used to hang out a lot in the first semester, and we would both chat back and forth a lot. She is attractive, and holds a lot of value. Recently, she has not been treating me as a friend, and all she cares about is when I can burn some DVDs for her, or help her out with whatever she needs done.

    I have three questions in relation to myself from this? The first one is how should I respond to a woman when I figure out she is using me? The first time I ever called a girl out for using me was back in November. She got pissed and didn't talk to me until January, when she finally apologized and asked for us to be on good terms.

    My second question relates to the close friend. I called her out once recently for being a terrible friend, and she never outright said sorry, nor did she change anything to be better towards me. She often pairs me up with girls in my no-go zone and thinks that I'm their type, however I want her to see me in a context that makes even her attracted to me. Giving her the cold shoulder and not talking to her has no effect, so what should I do to make her regret being a bitch to me?

    The third, and final question, is simply for other methods to reverse my image. The women of my type look me over because I am a nice guy. How should I greet and converse with these girls to change their perception of me. Right now, all the girls say hi to me when they walk by me or see me, and I usually smile or say hey back. How can I change up my greeting or my reactions in public?

    In the end, I'm looking for more ways to change my image besides being more restricted and demanding for things in return for my assistance. In part, I want to also establish myself as someone who doesn't take garbage, and who is not the kind of person that someone can just walk on by and say "hi" to and consider an overall "nice, sweet guy" as I have been told so many times before.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Going from Good to Bad

    Quote Originally Posted by Swagman View Post
    A lot of people know me inaccurately as the nice guy, willing to help out anyone in a heart beat. However, I hate to be this guy, and recently I have begun to slam on the breaks in an effort to not come off like this.

    In my course of being the nice guy, I have accumulated a lot of girls who are using me for my smarts and abilities. Currently, I have a close friend who is using me for my computer tech skills. She is a huge bitch, and has admitted it herself since we befriended each other back in September. We used to hang out a lot in the first semester, and we would both chat back and forth a lot. She is attractive, and holds a lot of value. Recently, she has not been treating me as a friend, and all she cares about is when I can burn some DVDs for her, or help her out with whatever she needs done.

    I have three questions in relation to myself from this? The first one is how should I respond to a woman when I figure out she is using me? The first time I ever called a girl out for using me was back in November. She got pissed and didn't talk to me until January, when she finally apologized and asked for us to be on good terms.

    My second question relates to the close friend. I called her out once recently for being a terrible friend, and she never outright said sorry, nor did she change anything to be better towards me. She often pairs me up with girls in my no-go zone and thinks that I'm their type, however I want her to see me in a context that makes even her attracted to me. Giving her the cold shoulder and not talking to her has no effect, so what should I do to make her regret being a bitch to me?

    The third, and final question, is simply for other methods to reverse my image. The women of my type look me over because I am a nice guy. How should I greet and converse with these girls to change their perception of me. Right now, all the girls say hi to me when they walk by me or see me, and I usually smile or say hey back. How can I change up my greeting or my reactions in public?

    In the end, I'm looking for more ways to change my image besides being more restricted and demanding for things in return for my assistance. In part, I want to also establish myself as someone who doesn't take garbage, and who is not the kind of person that someone can just walk on by and say "hi" to and consider an overall "nice, sweet guy" as I have been told so many times before.
    I'm notoriously regarded as a dick by people that try and use me. I don't play that sh!t even when other people think it's not "cool".
    For example, "No you may not have a roadie (an open liquor container) while I'm driving.

    Now people that act accordingly and with mutual respect love me because they know I'm straight forward and more than fair. Be a sweet nice guy and the second someone tries to take advantage end that sh!t with a venegeance and go back to being mr. nice guy. People will learn to respect you. People that I have flat out leveled learn and typically we get along just fine afterwards. Don't be an a$$ and don't be a pushover.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Going from Good to Bad

    Thanks suave, I'll keep this in mind, and I'll have a little chat with my female friend about respect.

    You seem to be someone who I would like to model a bit after in terms of being a strong person. Do you have any recommended readings or posts for someone in my position?
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Going from Good to Bad

    Question: How should I respond to a woman when I figure out she is using me?

    Answer: When this happens to me, I have had to train myself to ask "What did I do in order to even allow myself to be used in the first place" -- in other words, it's YOUR fault she used you, not hers. So I will answer part of this below (how to avoid this), but in respect to the question of how to deal with it once it has happened, you are kind of just have to sit the girl down and say "listen. I have been cool and have done X, Y, Z for you and while I don't expect anything in return, I FEEL as though many of my friends have used me in cases like this and I really HOPE that you can help me recognize how this has continued to happen"

    Case in point: I have a spare car that I keep in Costa Rica for my friends to you use. I have one friend who uses it all the time when they are in the country and then the leave the gas tank empty so when I return to in-country, I find myself having to fill the tank back up. No big deal, but the way I dealt with it was next time I called my friend I specifically said "hey, how come all my friends keep using my car and none of them fill up the gas tank? " << in this case it worked. This is an over-simplified case, but it is how to deal with your sensitive non-confrontational friends. ** Still I got myself into this situation and I should have just in advance said, "use my car, but leave the gas tank filled and the thing cleaned. those are the rules. no-follow-rules then call a rental car company "

    Sometimes you get friends who can't take a hint. In that case, you have to point blank say "hey. I spend 12 hours a day at a computer doing web dev, and while I love your beautiful face, I can't maintain my sanity doing extra side work so is there a way you can get someone else to take care of this. PS I love you" << ** Again, if you are in this situation its because you felt bad for someone and overextended yourself in helping them.

    Question: My second question relates to the close friend. I called her out once recently for being a terrible friend, and she never outright said sorry, nor did she change anything to be better towards me... Giving her the cold shoulder and not talking to her has no effect, so what should I do to make her regret being a bitch to me?


    Answer: I am extremely opinionated about this, so you may or may not like my answer. As a piece of background, I have about 5,000 "facebook friends", 10,000 "twitter people" and have thrown so many events and parties and crap over the past many years that I have to constantly remove people from my phone, but really I only have 8 people that I really call a FRIEND, and about maybe 100 that I'd want at a wedding or funeral. The rest are just "fun, filler, or business".

    First, I believe 100% that if you feel like you want someone to regret anything, then they really are not your friend. Period.

    Second, I believe that you don't "call your friends out" for making YOU feel a certain way. Ever. You can call them out for stealing, or doing drugs or drinking and driving or treating other people bad, but you can't call them out for treating you bad. Because when it involves you, then it can instantly lead to confrontation. ** When someone treats you sh1tty, and you value your friendship, you sit down with them, tell them how their actions made you FEEL and you ask them to help figure out why you feel that way. Of course if this is a guy-on-guy friendship, you have to use a little humor and maybe some gay comments to get past the "feeling" part, but the idea is the same. Until you can get on the same emotional wavelength as your friends, then they will continue to frustrate/hurt you. If someone close to you gets confrontational, you have to question whether they are your friend at all. if they are close to you, then they may get frustrated or disagree, but the point here is to find common ground and be clear with them that you are searching for common ground because your friendship transcends bullsh1t stuff like this.

    Third, for the "middle-level friends" (like social group friends or co-workers or people you don't share intimate stuff with), you can do the same as above but just be more casual about it and not make it a big deal. Like send a very non-confrontationial message (or phone call): "Hey, I'm glad we had a great night out last week with everyone, but when you said XYZ in front of ABC, I got kinda frustrated." << At this point, if they will either maintain a confrontational tone in which case drop their ass from your friend list or try once more to be cool about it.



    Question: The third, and final question, is simply for other methods to reverse my image. The women of my type look me over because I am a nice guy. How should I greet and converse with these girls to change their perception of me. Right now, all the girls say hi to me when they walk by me or see me, and I usually smile or say hey back. How can I change up my greeting or my reactions in public?


    Answer: I can assure you that they do not look you over. The more we get into this whole PUA thing, I think many of us go through this mindset (I did at least) where it's almost like I wonder why ALL women don't get quickly attracted to me. In reality, the fact that women think you are a nice guy in the first place means 1) you are probably a naturally nice/intelligent guy, and 2) you don't give off anything negative.

    So... in your case, it's probably pretty simple. I HATE saying it like this, because I feel like I'm going back to attraction 101, but in this case, I feel like I should:

    1. Make a list of your naturally occurring "DHV"s - I'm going to assume that they are: 6/7+ looks, 6/7+ body, intelligence, caring, and "financially stable" - I only assume this based on how you write (educated) and the way you write your questions (analytical) and the fact that you mentioned you are a comp person.

    2. Now make a list of which alpha traits you have... you will probably find a disconnect. In other words, you probably have all these great qualities in the first list, but many of them may not fall into the category of alpha characteristics. I don't want to get into semantics about what is a DHV, vs. what is a personality trait vs. what is a mental trait, but just follow me here. Alphas basically walk louder, talk louder, lead people, don't seek reactions, validate others, and are socially proofed. But above all, they are firm in their values and will sometimes shove those values down other people's throats. Emotions be damned.

    So if you look at list #1, you are going to find all this stuff that will make 95% of women naturally "like you" and think of you as perfect friend material. List 1 is about trust. What you describe is an abundance of natural trust.

    If you look at list #2, you will find all this stuff that will make 95% of women respect and want to follow you and want you to protect them. List 2 is about respect. What you describe is a lack of respect.

    But make no mistake, having people look towards you as a reliable friend and having people look towards you as a leader/protector are entirely different things and it sounds like you have most of your sh1t together to fomulate #1 instantly in people's minds, but not the #2's (the alpha qualities that should be there).

    So... keep doing all the #1s, but litterally ask yourself everyday if you are advancing as a natural alpha. A perfect example is taking the philosophy of not doing sh1t for people unless they do something in return UNLESS THEY ARE TRULY AN INNER-CIRCLE FRIEND. In other words, you want to use my house when you are in-country?, no problem. Just leave me some cash, or bring a suitcase full of amazon stuff with you. If you don't like that, then go somewhere else, because I'm not your personal hotel. This is going to be hard because your knee-jerk reaction is to be nice. Kill that reaction because "nice people" will eat your lunch. Be nice and giving to your inner-circle close friends and play economics with the rest of the people you interface with in life. Otherwise you will always be a nice guy who is used by people.

    Memorize these phrases, and use them liberally to non-close-friends: "I am not your bank", "I am not your emotional dumpster", "I am not your priest", "I am not your technical support person", "I am not your dad", "I don't lend money", "I don't give away my time for free", "I'm sorry if this offends you, but..." << If you cannot say these phrases to people, then you need to practice as much as you did openers when you started PUA. I'm not advocating being cold, but I am advocating not letting people use you. If they don't like it then so what. Find friends who don't do that sh1t to you. Mine don't. My close ones do, but never to the point of being overbearing. If they did, we'd have a talk and hug and figure it out. That's what close friends do. sh1tty friends USE YOU. So sh1t-can them with these phrases.

    And not to be overly long-winded (which I think I have already been here), I promise you the following two things are about to happen if you approach life with the above 2-list mentality:

    1. The "nice-smart" side of you is going to attract higher-quality people, because usually this type of stuff can only be recognized by people of the same caliber.
    2. The "apha-type" side will attract sound outright idiots looking to be validated or led or whatever.

    But regardless, the #2 is what will demand respect from everyone who comes into contact with you and you can, using your brain, filter out the bullsh1t people, relegate them to "people" and spend more time getting closer to your inner-closer-friends.
    - CR


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