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  • 1 Post By TheDuke

Thread: Do I have the upper hand in this situation?

  1. #1
    uluvtheLD is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Do I have the upper hand in this situation?

    I had a conversation with a girl where I put her in her place, but she's so irrate that its hard to tell if I have the upperhand and how to proceed.

    She has recently been single ( for about 2 months after a 5 year realtionship), rebounded with a douchebag that has been playing her. She has tried to get rid of him but he keeps messing with her head and they work in the same building but different hours so they dont run into each other much. This is a HUGE cause of her current state of being super pissed and cant deal with that and other things.

    I have been her friend with flirting and being the fun cool guy.... she even tried to complain about her ex and rebound guy, but i told her I dont wanna hear the drama ( definitely avoiding that friendzone bait). I did tell her we needed to talk though cuz shes been getting out of line with me and this is the paraphrasing of the convo after I did her a huge favor and she didnt reciporcate when I asked for a similar favor....

    ME: Hey we should get together and talk, its pretty important to me. Coffee sometime?
    HB8: Coffee? ok! When?
    HB8:What is this about?
    ME: (dont reply for a while)
    HB8: Lets do it saturday at 8pm at _____. If not lets do it sometime next week.(she is gone for the weekend so i suggested thrusday )
    HB8: WHy the urgency? What is this about?
    HB8: Nevermind...this sounds serious and I can deal right now. You are not answering my question. I dont wanna go for coffee anymore.
    ME: Whoa. Its not urgent, thats why i said next week if not this week. It is important, but Ive told you before I dont like to have text conversations about serious things. too much gets misninterpretid. I just need someone to chil lwith and talk to, kinda like when you needed me. Thought we were cool enough that you could reciprocate.
    HB8: I see. Fine. 8pm. But I cant drive . So has to be near me ( we live in diff cities).
    ME: Listen. I know youare going through a lot and I dont know what you are angry about but it has nothing to do with me. I dont like when someone talks to me in that way if I have given them no reason to. You clearly need space and we shouldnt get together yet. Get back to me when you are ready to have a conversation with me.
    HB8: Ok
    HB8: (an hour later). Im annoyed you are playing games and not telling me what this is about.
    Me: Games? I told you what its about ( reiterate the story and theres a skewed balance of respect)). But we need to have a face to face about it so we can both hear each other side of things and be cool again. But Not over text.
    HB8: Im not in a good place for this. I cant deal. Get rid of me if you want to like you did with "mutual friend"( two weeks ago I told her that i got rid of a mutual friend because she was being a terrible friend and using me)..

    I did not respond to that. But I am also conflicted because.....anger shows she cares even after she said she didnt want to hear anymore of this ( but continued to ask for details and flip flopping about meeting up). She just needs time. I figure a freeze out is in order for sure, but I also feel like I want to write her an email explaining that I am not getting rid of her, giving ourselves space, and telling her to hit me up when she sorts things out.

    Or just let her be and wait till she contacts me?. I am just thinking she might not want to contact me unless I initiate because she is very scared that I am going to cut her out of my life like I did with our mutual friend.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Do I have the upper hand in this situation?

    You lost control of this situation before it even started! Seriously, texting a girl with, "Let's talk, it's important," is weak as hell. You create all sorts of anxiety and confusion with messages like that, and not the kind of anxiety and confusion that works in your favor. Honestly, where did you expect this conversation to go?

    Instead, you should have said, "Let's go for coffee." Then, when you're out for coffee, you bring up the topic you want to discuss.

    But truthfully, if you've played your cards right, you shouldn't have to have conversations explicitly addressing these issues. If you were "in control" then you would lead the relationship in the direction you want it to go without beating her over the head with your desire for it to go in that direction.
    "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Do I have the upper hand in this situation?

    I honestly don't see the point in what you were trying to do here. Duke is right - that's not the confusion you want. You want positive associations with your messages, not negative. "Hey, we need to talk; it's important" sounds a little "guilt-trippy."

    You came off as a complete d1ck in this exchange and if this is still salvageable, you need to get a better handle on your emotions. I mean, if she's in a bad place, why would you make it worse?

    I'd apologize in this case, but after a day. Call her, don't text her. Insist that you meet up for coffee and ask her if she's ok with it. You have to show that you have some sort of understanding of where she is because it's not all about you. Alpha doesn't mean being a d1ck
    Last edited by Vicodin24; 04-24-2013 at 05:16 PM. Reason: stubbed my sixth toe
    Always leave her better than you found her.

  4. #4
    uluvtheLD is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Do I have the upper hand in this situation?

    Well I was paraphrasing. I think I should clear up that I called with "Hey HB8, I just wanted to see if you wanted to get together for cofee. I know you are busy these days, but I wouldnt ask if it wasnt important"

    The when she said "Oh. ok! Coffee? When?"...I replied with "Satuday at 8 pm at ____(place near her)'

    Thats when she went into an avalanche of asking for details. WHen I was just trying to setup a time and date ( cuz she said she is out of town for a bday this weekend).

    Honestly I did lose my cool when she was getting more and more snippy and had to call her on it. I was actually trying to go Alpha to reframe because she is use to guys like that, and shes never seen me like that.

    I also think I need to insist that I did not need to be treated that way by her. I recently took a day out to talk to her about a family crisis and "be there for her".

    If you still think its the best move to reply with an understanding remorseful call.....let me know. Or give her time to chill till she gets back to me


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