Double Identity Crisis
Alright guys, this is about my inner self and it's already complicated for me to understand so I'll try to simplify for you much as I can. And I'll be needing your help in the process. (I must add, I already feel better just because I identified this issue.)
First of all, English is not my native language and I don't live where people use English in public places. So obviously, I can't use English in my game while communicating.
However, I spent a lot of time using English. I took 12 consecutive years of English classes, I have many online friends with whom we speak English with each other, I prefer listening songs in English, watching movies/TV shows in English. So basically I can say that I spend the 75% of my day in English.
Here's where it becomes messy for me. This 75% of my day in English eventually made my inner voice become speaking in English. And this creates a second identity of myself. The English identity is a cool and alpha guy because he thinks before he acts and he knows what to say, how to act, because he conquered the inner-self. That is exactly why I make more friends when I go abroad, have more fun while talking to my foreign friends, etc. Although, my Native identity is a total AFC. He has to translate and copy the English identity's words and behavior because he doesn't have a inner voice to back him up. And that is why, I almost always run out of things to say while talking to my native friends, be usually silent and shy, etc.
I am urgently in need of help to get over this issue. I want to transfer my English identity to the Native one or somehow merge each other, or whatever helps.
All comments & suggestions are appreciated.
Thank you in advance,
It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.
It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.