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Thread: rs5096's series

  1. #1
    rs5096's Avatar
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    Default rs5096's series

    I'm not sure how often I'll post, but the idea is to write every so often on things that I've learnt and like. So the first post is going to have 2 components. Firstly just want to introduce you guys to 1 presupposition of NLP and then I'll post a really cool exercise which can be used anywhere but more specific to the community can help overcome approach anxiety.

    Just a short intro to NLP: In essence it is the study of excellence. It's basis is to model - model someone that is doing something excellent and then copy them.

    A pre-supposition in NLP is a valuable way of looking at the world, and whilst not scientifically proven there is evidence to support them.

    The pre-supposition that we will look at here is: the map is not the territory. It means that our experience of the world is subjective. The "map" refers to our mind and the "territory" is reality.
    So what we think is not necessarily the truth. We tend to react to reactions themselves. Our 5 senses take in so much data that it actually overwhelms the brain and the brains copes with all the data by filtering it and discarding what doesn't resonate with our being. The filtering process is largely determined by our values, environment, beliefs, behaviour , identity, capability and the like.

    Having this awareness will help us in terms of our reactions because our reactions may be appropriate or inappropriate to reality. If a girl shoots us down, it may be for a variety of her subjective reasons e.g. she had a bad day at work or a close friend was involved in a terrible incident, but we may interpret it subjectively as we're not good enough or that she's a stuck up. Our perception is not the reality.

    The exercise that I want to introduce is called the "circle of excellence." It will boost your confidence tremendously and help with approach anxiety and all situations where confidence is required:

    - Stand, close your eyes and take a deep breathe. Recall a time when you were super confident. Remember the sounds, the smell, and visualise it.
    - Feel the confidence building. Now imagine a circle around your feet. Give the circle a colour. Give it a sound. Now make the colour brighter and the sound stronger and amplify your confidence.
    - Now step out of the circle and leave the confidence behind in the circle.
    - Now think of a situation where you will need that confidence.
    - When that situation is clear in your mind step back into the circle and feel the energy of confidence you left there. Feel it fully. Take a few moments to really rev it up if needed. Now imagine the situation again, but this time the confidence is oozing from you.
    - Now step out of the circle again.
    - Think of the situation again. The confidence will come crashing back. You've programmed yourself for the situation and when it comes, you will have the confidence for it.
    - Now imagine that the circle is like a shadow. It follows you wherever you go. Whenever you need a recharge you simply step back inside of it and rev it and reprogram.

    rs5096

  2. #2
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    In this post I want to address the concept of beliefs.

    Every belief that we as human beings hold is based on a generalisation we have made about the world at some stage in our lives. A number of factors influence how our beliefs were formed. For example
    - the culture we are brought up in
    - our peer groups
    - the reactions and feedback we get from others
    - experiences that repeat
    - etc

    The problem with beliefs is that that can cause a distortion in our perceptions.Often these distortions cause limiting beliefs. A further problem is that the belief is circular. What I mean by that is, if we believe that we are not good at attracting girls, we tend to feed this belief by not acting in an attractive way. It is self perpetuating. This cycle has 3 components to it:
    - how we behave;
    - how we self-talk;
    - how we see our self-image.

    So even when we learn outer game but our inner game is not up to scratch there will be a disconnect. PUA's often talk about being congruent i.e. a strong outer game is boosted by a strong inner-game. Without this congruence outer game can take you so far be sooner or later you get "found out." This forum has tons of good information. The questions that are posed are answered with strong and powerful advice on how to solve the various questions. However, if the inner game does not match that advice there will be a disconnect because of the incongruence. I would estimate (and to be honest it's a thumb suck) but 90% of the flakes is because of this incongruence.

    The reason for this is that human beings cannot not communicate. So whilst the verbals are strong the other communication: body language, nervous ticks, voice tonality, facial expressions can actually communicate a disconnect with the verbals.

    So we know that we always work on improving the outer game aspect it's vital to also work on the inner game aspect. This will make the PUA exponentially more effective.

    A simple tool to counter negative beliefs is to write down the limiting belief. e.g. "i'm not good looking enough" Then simply write down the complete opposite, "I am damn good looking." Repeat this new belief over and over again. Use it as a mantra, an affirmation. This will break the loop, affecting all 3 of the above components. It will take time to entrench, and every time you feel the old belief sneaking up on you, just keep repeating the new belief over and over again. This is called a "self-talk interrupt" and will break the old loop.

    rs5096

  3. #3
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    Very interesting. I also see outer and inner game as circular. The way I see it is that outer game can only go so far as inner game will allow it. Just as you mentioned. Therefore it's important to develop that inner game.

    But true inner game is tough to accomplish without outer results. So a kind of dance begins. Outer game gets results and strengthens your inner game. Your inner game then makes your outer game more potent than before with each success. Rinse and repeat. Until you become congruent.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  4. #4
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    Bit like the chicken or the egg.

    Absolutely agree they feed off each other. I just feel there is often a gap. When I did my pua training bootcamp the highlight was matthew hussey hands down. He really worked our inner game into a frenzy

  5. #5
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    Yes I think you're right. There is a kind of gap. I think it's the lack of teachings on inner game or perhaps the misunderstanding of it. We get into PUA with the mindset "we are not good enough." Through our learning we find out we are actually good enough, but in order to learn and progress even further you still have a accept a certain level of "I'm not good enough" which is the opposite of what we want in our inner game. It's like an oxymoron. Almost like saying, in order to become a great PUA you have to lose the desire to learn it lol. But of course that's silly.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  6. #6
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    There's a great book by Yehuda Shinnar called "Think Like a Winner." He introduces a model called The Winning Model. The idea is to increase your winning frequency. In the community it's quite easy to quantify that. We win when we get laid and who will argue against increasing the frequency here.

    The model is a triangle divided into 3 sections. The base is called the noble warrior; the middle is called the correct thinker; and the apex is the skill refiner. He adds a 4th variable called continuous debriefing which is applied to all 3 levels of the triangle.

    The Noble Warrior

    1. Winners are fighters, not in a physical aggressive sense but in that they will always face and overcome difficulties. Winners overcome their internal battles as well. Think approach anxiety here guys. Think bitch shields. Think LMR. The noble warrior faces fear and acts anyway. He has a goal and does everything possible to reach that goal. The noble warrior forms the base because all else depends on him.

    The Correct Thinker

    Winning is not some esoteric mystery that only some can access. There is a common denominator in the way winners act and behave. Their thinking is pragmatic. Shinar calls it thinking correctly under pressure. Done correctly it counters the negative thoughts. Without it negativity gets the better of us, sometimes causing us to freeze at the most inopportune times. Winners stay focused. Pick up is a set of skills. The successful PUA stays focused on the "job" at hand and has fun doing it. It seems seamless. The target is having just as much fun, which imo is the beauty of being a PUA. The target doesn't know that there is a set methodology that is being applied, she just knows that this guy seems to do all the right things and pushes all the right buttons and she loves the interaction.

    The Skill Refiner

    But winners strive to improve. That's the beauty of this type of forum. Each time I visit I learn something new. The advice here allows for new techniques, it allows us to polish our skills. We take what works and chuck out the rest and we sarge to get it right. How do the mPUAs seem to do the impossible. It's seems like an innate talent. The fact is that through practice they have refined their skills.

    Continuous Debriefing

    At each level winners monitor and debrief. They monitor both their successes and their failures. Shinar goes as far as saying winners actually debrief during the process and recalibrate if necessary.Have you ever been with a girl, when suddenly the interaction heads south? What happened? How can I turn this around? Let's bounce to another spot and refresh? This helps to hone in on what works and what doesn't. The natural instinct of winners is to ask, "how can I do this better?" This leads to a constant improvement.

    I've taken a lot from the book and am still reading it. There is a lot to think about but this model really spoke to me.

    rs5096

  7. #7
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    Going to try write a few posts about AA - I think it's too broad a subject to cover in 1 post.

    Why does AA exists? The symptoms of AA e.g. sweaty palms, anxiety, thinking that all eyes are on you, shaky voice, higher tone of voice, justifying why you are not approaching.

    These are generally the same symptoms when you are terrified about anything. Before your first driving test or your math final.

    It’s a natural reaction when you are faced with something that is not familiar. So the more times you do it, the more familiar it becomes and the less the terror.

    The feeling of terror is actually hardwired into us, in what’s called the lizard brain – the most primitive part of our brain. Case in point with Neanderthals this terror was actually a survival mechanism. If a hungry bear showed up, the terror reaction kicked in and allowed our distant ancestors to choose fight or flight.

    So now we don’t have to fight or run away from hungry bears but our lizard brain is just doing what it has always done. When faced with the unfamiliar, the fight or flight mechanism kicks in.

    I reckon if our ancestors came across a hungry bear enough times the terror would be at lower level. They now face a familiar occurrence and they handle themselves better.

    Imagine the first hungry bear comes, everyone scatters and some poor sod is too slow and gets eaten.

    The second hungry bear comes, everyone scatters and some poor sod is too slow and gets eaten.

    By the third time (one would hope), the hungry bear comes and the cave man has prepared. They have sharpened their spears and this time have an escape route planned. And so it continues as they become more and more familiar with the situation.

    Approach anxiety stresses people out who have not done it enough times. They are still in the unfamiliar. The more times you do it the more familiar it becomes. This is generally easier said than done. so will follow-up when I get a moment.

    rs5096

  8. #8
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    I remember Adam Lyons saying something about that guys don't really get AA or something like that. That it's only because they don't know what to say AFTER their opener. After transitioning into real convo and so on. Makes sense, but I still call it AA even if the focus of the real issue is shifted.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  9. #9
    rs5096's Avatar
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    Hi BM

    You're quite right. Weird silences will kill the interaction. There are a few other reasons that I'll get into e.g. Self esteem issues. Even public speakers will experience some form of stress but their preparation usually makes them a success much like the cavemen prepping for a possible attack from a bear.it will definitely help to prep before approaching.

    rs5096

  10. #10
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    Default Re: rs5096's series

    Approach Anxiety cont.

    We have seen that AA stems from instinctual behaviour from the most primitive part of our brain, the reptilian complex, which triggers the fight or flight response.

    We tend towards the flight response when gripped by fear (but not always) but as FDR said in his inaugural address, the “only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Imagine this scenario: a beautiful gorgeous girl at the end of the bar talking to her friends. You want to approach but you just can’t make yourself do it. What’s holding you back? Fear. Fear of what? Most likely a fear of rejection.

    I once heard of an experiment that went something like this. At a local university library there was a queue to use the copy machine. One of the researchers approached and asked, “Hi do you mind if I jump the queue?” As you can imagine she didn’t get quite the positive response. Read rejection?? But here’s the kicker. When she approached and gave a ridiculous reason for wanting to jump the queue she had a much higher success rate. Read lower level of rejection. She said something like, “Hi do you mind if I jump the queue because I need to make copies.” The word because and whatever followed made a huge difference. Why does this help AA?

    Let’s assume you do approach that girl at the bar and you say “Hey, how you girls. Listen I need a girl’s opinion because yadda yadda…” or if you’re more daring, “Hi, I had to come over and say “hi” because…” What’s the worst that can happen? Certainly not being eaten by a bear. Girls are actually friendlier than most pick-up material seems to insinuate. I’ve read ridiculous things that say the average woman is approached 50 billion times in their lives and have a natural defense mechanism. Ok slight exaggeration but you get my point.

    But according to the experiment at the library when you have a reason for talking no matter how ridiculous people seem to respond positively. So just remember the magic word “because” and see if it helps you. Would love to get some feedback.

    More on AA to follow.

    rs5096


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