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Thread: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

  1. #11
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    I wanted to bring this back up....especially considering that you two, Batman and I M Mortal gave such insightful answers.

    i havent really been able to totally move on from this girl, I have spent some time with other girls and to be honest none of them have really floated my boat. I probably haven't totally put myself back in order, but am working on it.

    but saturday I texted the girl (it was like Colombian valentines day) and told her I hoped she was happy. she said same to you, I then told her that I hadn't responded to a text she had sent me a few weeks before because I really wasn't interested in talking about the past, she said the same. we ended up agreeing to meet up, me saying that on this day for lovers why don't we see each other happy again.

    my intention really was only to spend a little time together and really just see if the attraction returned. we met up, and then afterwards we were both going to meet up with friends in the same part of town, so we shared a cab. I told her I was happy that we saw each other and that it was cool between us. we were both laughing and having a good time the whole time. I said we should do it again, she said the same, then as she gets out she lays a big passionate kiss on me.

    later in the night I ended up going to meet up with her and she came home with me. obviously the attraction on both ends is still there. And I mean, its something explosive. granted by the time I met her out at the club I was a pretty drunk, but being back dancing with her and kissing her was great. some guy her friends were there with commented on how in love we looked.

    anyway after talking to a mutual friend, it appears everything is still a go as far as the other guy is concerned. I guess I had figured maybe not after all that. now I'm kind of back to where I was on what I really want to get out of this. I guess I do worry that if she does leave that guy and this fantasy life she's built in her head, it could come back to bite me. but part of me really feels like things never ran its course. I don't really feel so bad for this guy, I mean trying to play on a girl in the third world's insecurities with promises of marriage and a house for three years without making it happen is I think pretty low. I do worry though, that anything good could come out of this between us if it were to go down that road, and also psychologically what it could do to her. I mean I really care about her. I think if I wanted I could turn this into strictly sex, but not sure if I want that emotionally.

    Comments, thoughts? what the heck is going through her mind? This is a time where I wish I could have that crystal ball man.

  2. #12
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Hey Jack, I know it's tough breaking out of this oneitis, especially when you got a strong chemistry/connection with someone. But at least you tried right? But keep on trying.

    As for your question on what the heck is going on in her mind...To tell you the truth...I bet not even she knows. But what I do know is that she is conflicted between two guys. I've seen this happen before.

    Many moons ago, when I was 22 fresh out of college, I worked at an attorney's office. There were some hot girls in their early 20s as secretaries and I got to hear all the drama every day. One of them was engaged to one guy, pregnant, but had a long distance relationship (because he is working in a different state at a good job). BUT she was shacking up with another guy, a broke, street ex thug out of east LA. Both men didn't know about each other. I asked her why was she doing that and that it's fvcked up. She couldn't give me an answer. She said she was in love with both men and didn't know what to do. Although the answer was obvious.

    In your case, your girl is faced with something similar.

    On one hand - There's the first guy she met. Financially well off and can offer her financial security BUT is in a long distance relationship. A man who can provide is something many women want regardless of country. But when you come from 'no money' that need becomes more stronger. So such may be her case. When a woman is independent and her wealth is self made, this is really not much of an issue but usually these women are attracted to men who are as financially successful or at least ambitious. But in her case, she comes from no money. So whenever she is with you, and the issue of money comes in question, then worries/doubt sets in, she thinks about the other guy.

    On the other hand - There's you. Someone she hit it off with. Explosive chemistry, but not as financially achieved. Unlike the other guy, you are there for her, hence the strong attraction can be maintained.

    This whole thing of being conflicted usually happens to young women. They are prone to it. I'm not sure how old your girl is, but I'm guessing mid 20s and under? Usually when a woman gets older/wiser nearing her 30's, the need to have a guy who's financially stable becomes more prominent and she leaves herself less vulnerable (unless she is some cougar in an unhappy marriage, but that is an entirely different issue).

    Regardless, based on my assessment, the reason why she is vulnerable at the moment is because the other guy is not around. Long distance relationship tends to do that. If the rock is not there to anchor down and fulfill a girl's emotional needs, she's gonna float off (depending on the strength of their bond in the first place).

    Right now, from an outsider's objective POV, I don't see any good coming out of it in terms of a long term relationship. If she is young, what happens when she outgrows you? The attraction becomes unrequited. What happens when the other guy comes and visits her and rekindles the flame? There's a damn good chance you are going to get tossed on the backburner.

    I know it's really tough keeping away from her because you like her (trust me I've been there), but the only thing I can tell you is, if you want to keep seeing her, then PLAY with her. Go out, have fun, BUT you need to keep a degree of detachment and do so without any expectations to protect your heart or hit the ground hard. If things don't work out, then the way I look at things is there is no such thing as a bad experience/relationship, it's what you learned out of it.

    In the meantime, this is when you gotta be a player and see other girls as well. And don't feel bad about it, because she's playing you. You said you are working on it, so keep on trying or keep on keeping. She's not the only girl in the world.

    OR

    If you don't think you can keep a sense of detachment and control your emotions, then it's best you don't see her for the sake of your sanity.

    Best of luck to you.

  3. #13
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    thanks imortal....she's 26, I'm 25, the other guy is like in his mid 30s. I think that you're right about a lot there, but here's the thing, I'm not so bad off financially. I just started a new job, one where I'm making twice as much. It may not turn out to be a real career, but I do offer her the possibility of going to the states one day.

    I think that they have this kind of fantasy, fairy tale thing. I mean I think that she thinks that ok, he's promising a house of our own one day (something that very few people here actually ever achieve), and that once they're together everything will be just dandy. but it pretty obviously ain't so. but I think the fear of not ever having those things is keeping her attached to this dream she's built up in her head, even though its obvious she's not in love with this person. I see her has very confused, and unsure of what she really wants.

    I guess the thing that worries me the most is getting into some sort of competition with this fantasy, because that's what it is, if it was real, by this time someone would have taken the steps to be with the other person all the time. nothing about it matches up with reality.

  4. #14
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Well, if she built up a fantasy/dream on having a house that someone can provide for her and it's some easy escape from her current conditions, it really shows you where her values are. Couple that with your earlier post about all these financial expectations she has, if it were me, as hard as it is, it's a red flag. One big ass incompatibility.

    By the sounds of it, she is confused, just like the example of my former office co-worker. But do you want to be dragged into her world/her mind in hopes that one day you can change her? I never heard of a happy ending coming out of this. From my experience, women like this will eventually be a drain on you.

    And another thing is never see yourself as competition. Work on reframing yourself as the prize. It will make a huge difference in your game. It's how you perceive yourself and the behaviors that follow. And you can only do so much to make her see that. You can't control her, you can't change who she is to save her, you can only do so much to influence her. In the end, hopefully she is smart enough to make the wise decision grounded in reality. And if you are not part of that choice, it's a something she will have to live with only to end with empty dreams and promises. And hopefully by then, you should be on to something better.

  5. #15
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    I honestly had stopped seeing it as some sort of competition a while ago.

    Tonight she came over, she had called me earlier and when she got off I told her to stop by. she brought up if I had been with someone else since we had broken it off, I told her that wasn't important, but she was insistent. (and she knew) so I told her that I had. she told me it hurt her that it had been so quick (well its been like two months). I then just asked her what was she wanting out of all this, she said she wanted to be with me, that that's all she wanted for the moment. she then told me a slightly different story than what her friend had told me, that while she hasn't ended it with the other person totally, she wasn't set on going through with it all either, but that he had had surgery and she was talking with him while he was recovering. It just called into question a lot of things, I mean, my trust was broken, but I did believe her.

    We were on the verge of having sex and I stopped it and said if we proceed then we need to define what the heck we're doing. the whole her bringing up me being with another girl got me worried. the truth is I wasn't sure of hte idea of being able to just do this as casual thing myself. and that certainly made me feel like maybe she wasnt either. she said it would really hurt her if I was with someone else, but that she accepted it could happen since we were not able to really be in a relationship.

    I know you might stop me and say so I had it made, a fwb, her clearly into me, clearly jealous, clearly seeing me as a potential prize. but as much as I am still not totally sure and may kick myself for it, I really care for her and just wasn't comfortable with it. I said if we do it we can't do it again until she's truthfully single. that of course ended it. I told her I loved her and cared for her deeply but that the truth was that nothing good was going to come out of this continuing like it was. that she needed to make a decision in respect to the other person.

    I think at the end of the day, I guess I'm still hoping for something good between us, and I just didn't see it coming out of continuing what is a semi-affair basically. I wasn't really sure if I could stick to it emotionally of not becoming attached. And to be frank I feel like I would have lost respect for her. I love the girl, and I really care about her. at the end I just saw psychological damage and guilt for her and well a risk putting me back in a situation without a good exit.

    although I feel like I did the right thing, man it's a bummer. I just cared too much to keep up something that I felt like wasn't alright. I really think had I just shrugged everything off and proceeded, I think eventually she would have picked me, I think I am absolutely the love of her life, but I was just too scared of a future with lots of scars and pain to throw back at one another. I may have lost her forever, something that stings and will sting more in the near future. she basically said what I was doing was destroying any hope or possibility for a future, that this would be goodbye forever. I almost buckled to be honest. I sincerely still hope that she can make what is the wise decision here, but I guess I will have to live with it if not.

  6. #16
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    I'm going to have to give you mad props for what you just did. It isn't easy, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you know what the right thing to do is despite how hard it is.

    And she was the one who said that you are destroying any hope or possibility for a future ON HER TERMS. You stuck to your values of not wanting to put yourself in a semi-affair. But in truth, you did it on YOUR TERMS and that's fvcking alpha. As far as I'm concerned, she fvcked it up with dishonesty and swinging both guys at once.

    If you do keep in touch with her, tell her straight out. "When you are ready for me, then come and see me." Until then, it's your way or the highway because you have your set of values. We are back to incompatibilities.

    It is a bummer and I feel you. What you did was something I failed to do when I was 29. And I went AFC without guidance and learned the hard way.

    Not a happy-ever-after-ending, but keep looking. You are only 25. It doesn't have to end with her. I'm 41 now and my life is just beginning. So you got years to search.

  7. #17
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Thanks for the kind words, although im feeling pretty afc today. What she said about me distancing myself and that that would cause us to forget each other is killing me inside. Oneitis or not I want to be with her, im not ready to move on. And I know she wants me.

    Im just at a loss, im thinking about calling her, I know I broke her heart last night. It cant be anything other than a friendship until she has made it clear to the other giy that thetes no future between them. I understand she feels like she should be there for him through his health issues. I dont want to lose conract though because in the end I know shell choose me. Do you think its worth contact and trying to establish a time frame? Ijust feel like thetr is no decision thats a good one, that I can feel good about. I certainly dont feel good about losing her forever. I feel like I should have given it more time, I was rrally insutr of what I was doing last night and I guess in some way I was hoping thos would get jet to get into gear in respect to ending it with the other guy.

    By the way mad props to you immortal, I really appreciate your insightful words

  8. #18
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Yea, stay in touch with her. There is no reason why you shouldn't.

    And I say 'you' specifically because you seem to have temperance. The important thing is be real with her. Don't be afraid to be honest and show vulnerability because when you do that, you not only define you are, but it causes the other person to be real with you. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. And if she can't do that, then it's her problem, not yours. Hence, no trust. It will help you get over her quicker if need be.

    For example essentially what you are saying to her directly, no bullsh1tting around is "I really like you. I love this feeling I have whenever I am with you. As much as I want to be with you and only you, I'm not sharing your heart with someone else."

    And if she hypothetically says something to the extend "It's over (between her and the other guy) but he's sick and I need to be there for him."

    You say something to the extent of "Fine. You do that. And when he is no longer sick and you are ready to move on, I'll be here. Until then, I need to be 100% certain that it really is over."

    And don't worry, her saying that you are ruining any chances with her is her desperation attempt to gain control have her cake and eat it. Because in truth IF she really cares/feels for you, it doesn't matter, so it's just some silly ploy she stuck in your head to see if you break. Basically, it's a Now or Never ultimatum. "Take me now or I'm gone forever."

    But as a man, you need to take control and not let her roll over you. Keep the tables turned on her. "It's a black and white situation. "It's me (someone who is real) or him (chasing a pipedream). There is no in-between."

    So my point is, keeping in touch is fine, but don't be afraid to be real and show vulnerability. You are past the whole pickup stage. But until she can be real with you, that is all you are doing, keeping in touch...because you are not going to chase after someone who is chasing a fantasy/dream.

  9. #19
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Again I appreciate the words. I did sort of break down earlier and sent her a text saying that I was sorry I hurt her last night, and that I did want to stay in touch. She said she was happy I decided that and I told her that we should both take a little time and think about what it is that we want and then see each other again.

    she was pretty upset last night, at the end we were still hugging and kissing each other goodbye and she told me how much she loved me. The truth is that while I feel that this can't be anything romantic until she actually is single, I think I jumped the gun in doing what I did last night. The whole thing about her bringing up me being with another girl, plus my questions still about the other situation threw me for a loop and I mean while making out just before the clothes come off, I said that this can only be sex. She got a little upset saying that we could do lots of other things together and not only end up in the sack like hang out, eat ice cream together, whatever. (which yea sure is right, I kind of felt bad about how she interpreted it). She also asked me if what I was doing had to do with another girl, and I told her not at all. her whole thing about distancing ourselves this way so that we forget each other, I think has a lot to do with her own vulnerability and me finding someone else possibly.

    You're right, I will keep contact and we can go and do some fun things together, but this can't be a romantic thing. That's going to be really hard for me to stick to, but I think it is best. I'm not sure where exactly her indecision is. I mean if she had really decided that she still wants to be with this other guy and make it work, i don't think she would have seen me at all, she was the one who walked away earlier. Certainly when she talked about him it didn't sound like any of it was so sure anymore, but she also was unwilling to say anything more than she didn't know the future in relation to ending it. When I asked her about us actually having something that was not just in the moment, she said she didn't know either, that it interested her, but that living in the moment was what she wanted. So we'll take it slow and one day at a time and I plan on asking her just what she really thinks about the other relationship and if its about his health problems (which by the way were apparently caused by her revealing our relationship to him) and feeling like she needs to support and communicate with him, then I'll ask her when she thinks ending it will be. then and only then can we have something that's really romantic again.

  10. #20
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    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    I don't think you jumped the gun. Well, if you told her we shouldn't see other/contact each other and dismissing her completely, it might've been a tad bit extreme. But never go AFC and be apologetic. Those were your boundaries.

    That's not to say don't be unempathetic. If I upset/hurt a girl for something I believe in, I'd never say "I'm sorry." Apologizing is an admission of wrong-doing. And as far as I am concerned, you never did anything wrong. If I offended someone, then yes. If I upset a girl, I usually tell her "If I hurt/upset you, it's not what I wanted."

    But if you are going out non-romantically, just mind your heart. If things are strong between the two of you as you mentioned, it's not going to be easy. You are only human and you might find yourself at times where it is easier to just "ride the beast" than to resist and do what is right. And that need/emotion is addicting as hell when you want to be with someone. You can easy find yourself being sucked back in by the lure of the sirens. It's like putting alcohol in front of an alcoholic. So just be careful man. If she said, all she wants to do is live in the moment, then you do the same, but detach yourself from any expectations.


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