mmmm, you're right about that. For about an hour after she left Wednesday, I felt ok, then I felt miserable, and didn't sleep hardly a wink. I texted her saying I thought I had made a mistake and that I did want to stay in touch. she told me she was happy I felt that way, and I told her that I think we should both take some time and think about what it is that we want.
I'm back and forth on everything, I think you're right, I don't think I can see her and not give in to the temptation to be with her. I mean the truth is, I'm not exactly looking for a wife, and man the sex is good. But I also know that I've invested feelings her and worry about my own attachment. I also think that if this continues with her still sort of but not really with the other guy, there is no real romantic future, there's no way I could ever commit to her. I think I'm not sure what I want either, the lust, the attraction is definitely there. I want her bad, that is the truth. But I have a hard time accepting that what we would be doing is ok in the long run. To be honest, Thursday I felt miserable taht I had possibly lost her, and now that maybe we will see each other again, I'm back to feeling like I'm not so sure. I guess teh way I see it is, if she ends it with him for me, the most likely scenario is she puts a lot of expectations on me and it being better than what it may have been with him. at the same time, I don't want to lose her.
I hadn't told her I wanted to never see her again Wednesday, in fact it was her who kind of implied that we couldn't contact each other again, that this would mean we would distant ourselves from each other and forget each other. I reiterated that that was not what I wanted, but that I felt like it was necessary until she had reached her own conclusion and end of with the other guy. man who thought life could be so complicated. I feel like I'm in a soap opera sometimes haha. I just have a hard time getting a real read on what it is that she's thinking. Honestly I want to enjoy the moment too, I'm not trying to put a lot of pressure on a future, etc. but given the situation its not so simple. When I ask her about the other guy, she says she's not ready to accept the condition that she ends it, but she acts like it really means nothing to her either. She says she doesn't know, what will happen in the future (which of course no one does). When I ask her if she wants a future with me, she says its probable but that she doesn't know, she can't say. Its just all confusing, I mean if she said to me, she just wants to enjoy the moment wiht no future, I could decide if getting into this without emotion is something I want or not, but she won't close that door either. I think she's totally lost on what she wants, I know she wants me, she wants to be with me, but I don't get the sense she's really willing to leave behind the other guy. I feel more than confident that I could play with her, that I could be the cool guy she wants to be with while not committing and I think without a doubt she'd end up leaving him, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want or not. I mean Wednesday she said something to me like I was more conservative than her, that people don't always have to do what looks like the better option (which was to end one relationship before being with another guy). I just don't know, I don't think of her as a just bad person or a user. I think she got herself into a crappy situation, I think ever thinking that she was going to marry a guy that comes for a month a year for vacation was a recipe for disaster in the first place.
As things stand now, apparently this guy is coming in a couple months, so I just don't her her motives at all. She said she loves me so much, and I believe she does. Whenever we do talk again I'm going to ask her what she's really thinking in respect to the other guy, I get it that she doesn't know, but she must be thinking about something. If it's to end it, then I'm going ot ask what her idea on a time for that is. I have no problem with her feeling like she needs to help him out after heart surgery or whatever it was that happened to him, in fact I think its commendable.