Top 10 Stats
Latest Posts Loading... Loading...
Loading...
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Loading...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25
Like Tree7Likes

Thread: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

  1. #1
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
    Points: 225, Level: 4
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered100 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    81
    Points
    225
    Level
    4
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    18

    Default complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Ok, I will try to make this as short as possible. Met this girl in Feb, we went out a number times then termed it a relationship maybe late March. Cool girl, super hot, super fun, great sex, was satisfying just about everything i want in a relationship at this point in my life.

    about 3 weeks ago, she decided to fess up to the fact that she's in a long distance relationship with a guy in another country and was committed to marrying this guy, they had plans to buy a house here, etc. (the guy has a lot of money). Needless to say I wasn't too happy she had been lying all this time, and in hindsight I should have walked away right there, but she told me she was in love with me and she wanted to be with me. in almost 3 years of knowing this other person, they have actually only been together in the same place for the equivalence of less than 3 months. (all very bizarre to me). she finally broke it off with him, we seemed to be well not good as I had made it clear she had to earn back my trust and frankly I was struggling with not being needy and insecure, but we had great make up sex, and we seemed to have turned the corner so to speak. this was last tuesday.

    we saw each other again on friday and she was distant. she told me her brother had lost some money and she was upset about it, I told her its not worth it to get upset to the point where its seriously affecting you because of someone else's mistake. she then came out with this story that the other guy had been hospitalized and she didn't feel happy or right with us and she broke it off (pretty coldly after all the events and emotional roller coaster ride of the past several weeks). she later explained that she just felt like the connection wasn't there and there was no point in continuing. I thought that was a little crazy to throw in the towel so quickly after everything that had happened, but it was pretty clear to me that she was done. Real bummer.

    ok, now my questions. Yea, I know I should have probably just walked away once she told me she had been dishonest, that probably should have been the deal breaker, but how should I have handled the whole situation? read a little of the bf destroyer stuff and must say I hadn't thought of that reverse psychology stuff. now I made no promises to her and never tried to project myself as better than this other person but I didn't speak highly of him either. after something like this, is there any good way to not be needy? maybe I went overboard with wanting proof of everything being over.

    finally and this is probably the most important in terms of applying to the future. one thing that had come up at times in our relationship was that she had never had a boyfriend who hadn't payed for everything up to her taxi to and from wherever we were going. I live in South America where some standards are different, she also has been in and out of work. for me, obviously when we went out i payed for everything, but i usually did not pay for her transportation although there were a few times when i did because she didn't have money, it was too late for the bus. one of the things she brought up in the breakup is all of this again, and how she liked to go shopping and she just didn't see how we could work out. she seems to have an expectation of being showered with gifts and always being taken out to the nicest places (i guess its what to expect when she's basically committed to someone who has only been with her on vacation). what is your take on that in a relationship? now, one of the things that's got me bummed is that I just accepted a job offer for like twice the money. probably some of these things, us being able to go out to expensive places, me not taking her shopping but maybe getting an occasional gift or something, and possibly paying for her taxis would have probably been things that would have happened, given that I would have had the ability to do it all. In terms of this particular girl, its unfortunately over, the way she dropped me so quick after all of that, signified that, its not something im going to beg her to come back to, it was never about me convincing her to be with me. but I would like a take on these dynamics in terms of future relationships?

  2. #2
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
    Points: 225, Level: 4
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered100 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    81
    Points
    225
    Level
    4
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    18

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    i guess by the way that this is more of a question about inner game/being alpha, etc, than about pick up

  3. #3
    Vicodin24's Avatar
    Vicodin24 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 2,424, Level: 29
    Level completed: 83%, Points required for next Level: 26
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social1000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    New York, NY
    Posts
    279
    Points
    2,424
    Level
    29
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    112

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Sorry to break it to ya, bud, but these things happen. Not exactly like this, but women will take you on that emotional roller coaster with them if you're not too careful. So, here's what I recommend you read up on:

    http://www.puaforums.com/how-pick-up...ame-rules.html

    In my opinion, that is the most solid advice you'll get thus far. Applying those principles will not only help you get over her, but they'll even help you out with future relationships. Just adopt the mindset and you'll be good to go!
    Always leave her better than you found her.

  4. #4
    lilsting's Avatar
    lilsting is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 4,343, Level: 41
    Level completed: 97%, Points required for next Level: 7
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered1000 Experience PointsSocial
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Sky above Chicago
    Posts
    520
    Points
    4,343
    Level
    41
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    207

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Quote Originally Posted by Vicodin24 View Post
    Sorry to break it to ya, bud, but these things happen. Not exactly like this, but women will take you on that emotional roller coaster with them if you're not too careful. So, here's what I recommend you read up on:

    http://www.puaforums.com/how-pick-up...ame-rules.html

    In my opinion, that is the most solid advice you'll get thus far. Applying those principles will not only help you get over her, but they'll even help you out with future relationships. Just adopt the mindset and you'll be good to go!
    My first time reading those rules. I swear I'm going to print them out and hand them to every guy I see.

  5. #5
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
    Points: 225, Level: 4
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered100 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    81
    Points
    225
    Level
    4
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    18

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    yea, i just read them. good stuff, thanks for sharing

    im still pretty bummed about this girl, and bummed with all the effort and emotion ive put into it over the last few weeks, but i have been gradually over the last two days hitting up some girls (mostly former interests before her) on facebook and text. working on moving on, while still having my dark moments thinking what if, wishing it had been all different, but they're decreasing and becoming less dark. and you're right, she f'ed up, she had the pleasure and the chance to be part of my life and she chose not to, while i wanted her to, its really her mistake. i told her straight up that i hoped she was making this decision because its what she wanted and that i hoped she would actually be happy one day, as she's made some piss poor decisions. all the money and nice things in the world won't replace or make up for the hole in her heart and life. i said i was sure that this other guy could never make her feel like i did, and that if they do end up together (what i think will probably end up happening, although she says she just wants to be alone for now, but then asked me what i thought of that) i know this guy didn't beat me. maybe he has more money, but that doesn't mean jack sh1t to me. it felt good saying that to her by the way.

  6. #6
    BatMan's Avatar
    BatMan is offline PUA All Star
    Points: 31,552, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    Social25000 Experience Points31 days registered
    Awards:
    Most PopularCommunity Award
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,151
    Points
    31,552
    Level
    100
    Thanks
    1
    Thanked 12 Times in 12 Posts
    Rep Power
    1389

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Looks like you had yourself a gold digger O_O Lol

    There's probably many details that were wrong with the relationship. Don't beat yourself up for not walking away. It's easy to think you should've left since things didn't work out and she ended it with you. If you would've lasted for a few years before splitting you would've said to yourself "Wow I'm glad I didn't leave at that time cause we had an amazing few years." Don't think about that too much. It's redundant.

    The biggest mistake, in my opinion, was getting into a relationship after only a month of dating. These are reason why I don't do this:

    1. There's no way to know someone after only a month.

    2. There's no history so they're likely to walk away at the first sign of trouble or disagreement.

    3. It makes me a challenge if I don't offer a relationship so soon and reject it if she approaches me with it. Major points for me.

    4. This is one of the most important reasons. And that is...women usually have at least one romantic interest in their life at all times. And one month is not enough time for her to cut ties with any guys she was talking to before she met you. These guys have time on their side where you do not. Once she is drawn more into you she will naturally stop talking to other guys. But this doesn't happen in one month. Roughly 3 months. But I recommend 6 months if you can last that long.

    Hope this helped and good luck.
    "All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

  7. #7
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
    Points: 225, Level: 4
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered100 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    81
    Points
    225
    Level
    4
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    18

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    im not beating myself up for not walking away so much, i wanted to be with her. there were things i were accepting that I thought I never would, but I really wanted to be with her and wanted her to be with me. i just think its such a bummer that it worked out how it did. that we didn't meet under different circumstances, that we didn't give it the time to let the connection really grow. i mean i feel good on the one hand that she clearly felt enough for me to go through with ending it with this other person. she said a lot of really nice things to me, that's why its such a bummer that she then turned around and dropped it all so quick. seems honestly stupid to me, to have gone through all of that, and then just say "oh well you know I just don't feel like the relationship is the same after I fessed up to lying to you for 5 months and the entire foundation of our relationship was false." yea sweetheart it isn't the same, it was going to take time to get back to the it being all everything good and swell between us.

  8. #8
    I.M.Mortal's Avatar
    I.M.Mortal is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
    Points: 6,582, Level: 56
    Level completed: 16%, Points required for next Level: 168
    Overall activity: 55.0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered5000 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Cali
    Posts
    450
    Points
    6,582
    Level
    56
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    293

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    Hey jack, I feel you man. Been there myself. Everything is magical, feels right. Then you find out that you are not the only romantic interest in her life and everything goes to crap right after. You got it a little worst than I did. And it's only because you got caught up in it longer. Same situation, but longer time.

    We all want social connectedness and when the rug gets pulled out from under us, it hurts, especially when u that high up, it's a long fall down..

    You said it yourself that the relationship was built on bad grounds and you knew you should've walked away, but by then it was really too late. You were too emotionally invested.

    BatMan summed it up the best. Especially that #4 soooo true.

    But what's done is done. Time to take the experience and forge it into something positive. The best way I have handled something like this is to reframe it and adopt new mindsets. Don't take it as a rejection. Look at it as an incompatibility because really that is what it was. An actor didn't get the part, well it's usually because he is not right for the part or incompatible. But somewhere, there is a part ideal for him.

    After backtracking and looking at myself as a starting point, what I learned was this: Most guys think that if I had [X] woman, then I will be happy. But in actuality it is the other way around. When you are happy with your life, you will automatically attract the right women - ones who are reflective of your state of being/identity. It all goes back assortment theory. If you have a hole in your lifestyle (some insecurity as you said you have), you will end up with a woman with a hole in her lifestyle. That is exactly what happened. This girl you was so high on had a dysfunction in her lifestyle and it was not a happy ending. And although it felt right, it was only temporary and superficial. In actuality, you guys were incompatible. Incompatibilities encompass beliefs/values, lifestyle, logistics. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. You could probably be the most amazing guy she ever met, the love of her life, but if she is not in a place yet where she is ready to meet you, then it's an incompatibility. Right person, wrong time. If she's in a relationship....inco mpatibility. The whole thing on money and you paying for everything...a clash of values...incompatibi lity. I'm sure if you look deep you will find more. Sometimes reality doesn't match up with your expectations.

    So my advice is from here on, as hard as it is, rather than lingering on the wishful thoughts of recreating "watching a beautiful sunset" and chasing that old emotion, let it go. Get your lifestyle in order which will help your innergame and use happiness (feeling good about yourself) as a metric for success with women.

    That part for you is out there, but you need to be complete and secure first before you can attract someone to be a complement to you.

  9. #9
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
    Points: 225, Level: 4
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered100 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    81
    Points
    225
    Level
    4
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    18

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    that was a great post, and it is what i know is oh so true. in a lot of ways before I met her, I had come on here, I had started becoming more who I wanted to be. and really, there is a lot of positives coming out of this relationship. I started exercising more, ive lost weight, ive been more confident, ive learned how to work through some issues better, started being a little more conscious of how I dress, bought and started using good cologne for the first time in my life. all of those were things that I did in part because she was in my life and i wanted to keep there but they were really things i did for me. (well maybe the cologne thing i was pressured into a bit, but hey i won some money in a casino one day and bought a nice bottle more as a surprise for her).

    i had a great opportunity present itself for me professionally wise, i know that I will have to throw myself into that starting friday. in some ways that came right on the heels of our reconciliation and seemed to be part of the turn around, and its a bummer to start what will be a real challenge for me alone. but i also acknowledge that removing the stress from what would have been a long and difficult reconcilation period is probably good too, and the new job will be a distraction and something that I will be forced to throw my energy and focus into. bummer as, it means i will definitely be staying here in colombia for two more years with the type of salary that will allow me to live very large as well as save for the future, two things that seemingly would have helped things a lot between us.

    your right though, especially about the right person, wrong time part. i mean this girl rocked my world in a lot of ways. im going to miss being out dancing and her singing to me, drinking tequila off her body in the bedroom. im gonna miss the way she played with my hair and held me closer than ever before after we turned the corner. that's what kills me about the way it ended all so suddenly and quickly. we at one moment seemed to be high on life and being together and then boom, the floor falls out.

    ive accepted that she wasn't all in on this, and she really was the person that needed to be. I also see her as super confused. I mean she was so scared to leave this other person and the security economically he offered, but at the same time was scared to lose me, then she went through with it all and dropped me anyway. we did have a clash of values and expectations, but i think she's personally and internally having them too. she's said multiple times even before all this about how other boyfriends always payed for everything, but that she was so happy to be with me that it didn't matter, that she was happy to take a 45 minute bus ride to be with me. i don't believe that the connection was false for a second, I think she's really lost in a state of confusion and not sure what she wants at all, out of her love life and her life in general. she came very clearly to the conclusion that she was not in love with the other person and was in love with me, then once she had me back, she immediately had doubts again, she immediately went back to thinking about what the other person could offer her. although she said she wants to be alone now, i get the sense that she is holding onto the possibility of reconciliation with this other guy. i mean i feel bad for both of them in so many ways. sad, sad world we are in sometimes, especially down here in the third world. its hard to develop real independence and follow your heart when you make 200 bucks a month and they pay you two months late, and there's little chance of real advancement. i know she loves me, but she's totally lost and needs to get her life on track and find some stability, needs to find a good job that she can stay in and learn to manage her life and money and work towards her dreams and desires herself.

    maybe this is just a coping mechanism for me now, and i don't know if in the future I would even want it. but what if she does ultimately have a change of heart, if she does "find herself" so to speak? I find myself over the last few days still wanting to contact her and just say come on you know you want to be with me, we're both working on things to better ourselves. i know i can't do that though, we agreed to no contact and I have deleted her number, she made a whole new facebook and deleted her old one. ive looked at the new one, know i cant friend her, not sure if she has looked at mine or will. i imagine i must be on her mind too. although if this other guy really is in the hosptital she's probably more focused on him and her guilt (which I think had as much as anything to do with the whole break up).

    recognizing that for now i need to move on with my life and keep improving, and make sure that the closure I got the other night stays that way, that our relationship is over, what if after some time, if after some other girls, she comes back to my mind? is there anytime that I should break the no contact? should I just leave it up to her? leave it up to fate entirely? ive accepted that I don't need her, but dang it if I don't still want and desire her.

  10. #10
    jackstraw98 is offline PUA in Training
    Points: 225, Level: 4
    Level completed: 50%, Points required for next Level: 25
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    7 days registered100 Experience Points
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    81
    Points
    225
    Level
    4
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Rep Power
    18

    Default Re: complicated breakup with gf, looking for advice on a number of things

    and number 4 is good batman. in fact through this whole process of revealing the truth to me last week, she showed me a message she sent to this guy, about two weeks after we met (but before we termed it a relationship, i dont think we had even had sex yet) ending it. then he came back with the whole oh i was just about to buy the house and surprise you with it on your birthday in a few weeks. she told me all those things pulled her back into being afraid of ending it, even though things between them had not been good for a while. maybe yea, i should have been the more difficult catch, not gotten serious as once i offered up a relationship, she had both of us.

    i dont know one of the things that's tough is living down here, its at times harder to make friends. my two closest friends are both in attached at the hip relationships which is great for them but makes it hard to be single sometimes. just having that companionship of having someone to hang out with, go to the movies with and not be the third wheel, and well get laid too, were all nice to have again. i know now i need to focus on meeting new people and hopefully find more than one companion for a while to do all those things with, to get to the point where in teh future relationship or no, it isn't so hard to walk away or be walked away from.


Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Need advice with recent Breakup
    By GoatMcGoaterson in forum How To Get Your Ex Back
    Replies: 7
    Last Thread: 01-03-2016, 10:48 AM
  2. First love. Super complicated. Want to rebuild things. Strategies?
    By alxnrwd in forum How To Get Your Ex Back
    Replies: 3
    Last Thread: 09-20-2012, 01:20 AM
  3. Need advice, really complicated situation...
    By roland82 in forum General Questions
    Replies: 2
    Last Thread: 05-09-2011, 06:38 PM
  4. Need advice in a complicated situation!!
    By Number23 in forum General Questions
    Replies: 4
    Last Thread: 04-19-2011, 01:05 AM
  5. Post-breakup... not sure how to get her back. Advice?
    By DavidMann1987 in forum Online And Text Game
    Replies: 3
    Last Thread: 04-08-2010, 08:27 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
DMCA.com