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  • 1 Post By Swagman
  • 1 Post By upandcomingpua

Thread: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

  1. #1
    upandcomingpua is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    Just started talking to a girl ive been in a relationship with in the past. We dated for about a year, things didn't turn out so well towards the end, and we ended up breaking up. We have always contacted each other every other month or so always having a good long conversation then not talking again for a long time.

    About 2 years later after having been with her, we've reconnected at a kickback\gathering and tho i was once in love with her i moved on with life and didn't think id ever get back with her if i had anything to do with it. We actually were flirting very hard at the gathering and she actually texted me the same day telling me how strongly she was feeling about me and it depressed her because of how unexpectedly it happened and how she never thought she would ever get with me but is having second thoughts and its confusing her.

    Ever since that day we've been talking for about 3 months now consistently, and shes been doing most the pursuing texting\calling me randomly when i expect it least and we've had many very good hangouts lots of flirting\kissing and what not. We are not together but do everything people in a relationship do she doesnt want to commit but also doesnt want to talk to anyone else(she cut off every guy) and does want me talking to anyone else.

    Presently, About 2 weeks ago she was really hit hard with life, for
    1 her father has been diagnosed with hepatitis c and only has 5-6 months to live.
    2 her grandmother is on her deathbed about to die any day now so shes more concerned about how her mother is reacting to it than anything, and
    3 shes about to start her program to become an RN and its going to suck up all her time and overall her family is suffering.
    On a day we planned to hang out she cancelled on me and couldn't make it happen because of what was going on at her home, i reacted badly because i planned my whole day around it and she felt really bad about canceling but was also surprised by how i acted i didn't talk to her for 2 days. She wanted to give me a minute to stop being mad. So coming back talking she said how much she missed me, alot, and that same day we talked she came on her period. She hasn't been calling texting or initiating much and ive been the one initiating our convos have been much shorter on the phone as well. Just recently i talked to her on the phone, a night ago, she called me out of frustration about some things going on in the household almost crying and i comforted her, then the convo turned to about us.
    She knows she loves me. But she says its not that in love feeling. She would like for things to work out but she doesn't know if she will ever fall in love and wants to, she doesn't want to get serious and not be in love first, she feels she should based on how well she knows me and how i treat her. Shes never been in love before and wants it to be me but for some reason doesn't have it yet and doesn't know when or if shell get it.
    She does have some walls up for one she has alot of doubts and what ifs, like what if its gonna take a certain person to fully open up emotionally to fall in love or what if it doesn't happen with you ect. ect., also her family doesn't like me and don't want us together so they tell her things like i'm not the one for her "they feel it in there heart"(isn't helping my situation). Also i think the honeymoon phase is over and that isn't helping much either.

    How the hell do i handle this. Today i haven't talked to her at all. My current solution is to text her every other day consistently being maintaining a positive frame. I think im falling for her again which definitely isn't helping either at the moment im not telling her that tho.....I need so Professional Advice feel free to ask questions for more clarity.

  2. #2
    ColonelMathus is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    ok here's the thing... from what i have understood, th girl is going through a lot of hard times. one advice:
    "BE THERE FOR HER"

    don't get upset when she blows out a date!! configure your dates so that they would suit her. maybe help her in some of the things she's working on. chill at her place, or some place near her place! rent a movie! tell her stories (chicks go crazy for a guy who can tell stories), etc etc... my point is dont think u only have to take her out...

    just be around her until her life settles... she'll remember that...

    this girl needs love... poor soul, she's suffering and if u can be around and help her... she's yours for good...

    i can give you more specific advice if u give a bit more info about the dates you're setting up and whether you can stay at her place and chill (or some place close, like a public park or something)

  3. #3
    Swagman's Avatar
    Swagman is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    I have a few ideas of why she does not want to go any further, but I will need to ask a question, yes. What were the causes for the end of the relationship last time? Was it you, was it her, or was it elements outside of your control?

    With that asked, I do have some input for the situation.

    Right now, this girl just sounds like too much to handle. Yea, it is God awful that her family is disappearing right in front of her, but trauma like this can completely destroy attraction. You could always be her pillar of support, but as I have discovered in the past, the pillar of support can quickly become the crying pillow of friendship. You do not want to be the crying pillow of friendship because there is not way into attraction once you become one.

    I would say you can be there and not be there at the same time for this girl. Continue to support her, but occupy yourself with other women and things. Be ready to move on if it seems like she won't take the steps to make her life better.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  4. #4
    x Mojo x's Avatar
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    Here's my advice, take it for what it is. If you love her, stay. If you don't, eject.

    If you stay, comfort. Turn off the pua side and be you. Do like Mathus said and she'll gravitate to you. If she's cutting other guys off that means she's focusing. The trouble and pain in her life will eventually pass, and she'll be able to decide how she feels without outside stress and she will always know that you helped get her through it.

    If you don't, truly, love this girl... Leave. Now. Cold, but necessary. Women are not dependent creatures, if she needs someone to be there, she'll find friends, family, or someone to be her shoulder. Nowhere does it say that's your duty. If you aren't in love with her, leaving is mercy. Otherwise you'll help her through this stuff, get her emotionally connected with all that past history, and then eventually break it off and risk crushing her, and just being one more wound that has to heal.

    It's all about how you feel man. There a billion women out there, is she the one that can make you forget the rest. It's your call.

    - Mojo

  5. #5
    upandcomingpua is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    All this is really great advice. Thank you. I hav thought of being a source of support. Also I know that can kill the mountain of attraction I have built up with her that is already kind of low at the moment.
    So which way should I go exactly?

    how often should I text her to give her room at the same time yet keep me fresh in her mind and not bug her at the same time. Every other day? Every two days? Or let her reach out herself when she wants to talk.
    I text her "Hey you " today and she took 6hrs to reply "hey (:" I haven't text her back yet its almost like i wanna hav casual conversation and make her laugh and be funny but that seems like the last thing she wants to do. Shes only been calling me when something bad is going on.

    And any comments on her falling in love issues posted in my original thread at the top?(bottom of post) Im starting to think maybe she isn't capable of falling in love with me that scares me greatly.

  6. #6
    Swagman's Avatar
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    For the road to pick, that is all up to you. Do you even want to deal with all of this, or will you fight through it to get her in the end? Both are very tough decisions, and you have to be careful about any which way you go.

    By the sounds of it in your second paragraph, she is using you as a negative source of ventilation. She figures you as the person who can take all of her sh1t and negative problems, so she tells you so that you can carry her burden. Carrying her troubles may be one reason she is doing this, or she is using you as an outlet because she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

    By the way, you still have not answered my question, which may result in the most crucial piece of advice to this whole situation. What were the causes for the end of the relationship last time? Was it you, was it her, or was it elements outside of your control? Please answer so that the final method can be laid out.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  7. #7
    upandcomingpua is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    It was the both of us. I had a fling with her best friend under her nose. But she didn't know. Our relationship ended because of endless fights and immaturity and she ended getting with a fall back that had been giving her alot of attention. Then i told her about what i did. WE have completely forgiven each other it doesn't really affect us now we see it as the past and doesn't apply to who we are now we never bring it up.

    Update. I just had a conversation with her today. I believe i have been put in the friend zone from when i supported her like that she apparently wouldn't have any jealousy if i talked to other girls her words were "since were not in a relationship i cant hold you back like that so i choose not to care. Where just friends anyway why does that matter." When 2 weeks ago she said should do a drive by on a girl if i was talking to someone else without telling her.
    I do love this girl and i would like for things to work out in the future but apparently we keep meeting up before its time and this has happened.
    I think now would be a good time to freezeout for a while no? or just become kind of scarce till her problems subside.
    What's the best option if the goal is to get with her ultimately.

  8. #8
    Swagman's Avatar
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    Oofta, that's bad. The fact that both of you were going for other people in your relationship just shows how unstable it is. The fighting and immaturity also probably lead to it not being fun at all. Although you two may have made up about it, it doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't think about it. She may not want to go into another relationship with you because she is afraid of history repeating itself.

    What's the best option if the goal is to get with her ultimately.
    Honestly, it doesn't look very good for you. You should just disappear, but that may not make things all better. I wouldn't really want to go for her either because she is so insecure about you being with other people. You may be able to elicit a jealousy reaction from her by going for other people, but by then you would already be over her and moving on.

    Here goes another thing to keep in mind. Throughout your life, how many times have you said that you love someone? We always get super attached to this one person who we believe to be the one girl for us. We tell them that we love them, and we do special things for them all the time. However, when the relationship ends, how long will it be before we're saying and doing those same things again with another person? It won't be long, and it won't happen only once in your lifetime.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  9. #9
    upandcomingpua is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    Thank you very much. So freeze out without without any exact time limit is probly what ima do ill probably move on and get with someone else. Cuz im not one to wait for her if someone comes along thats her missfortune

  10. #10
    Magnum is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: My relationship is suffering, Not Sure What to do at this point.

    I feel for ya man, I really do. I feel for her, too.

    There's a lot of good advice here, and you can't follow all of the options, so pick what rings most true with you. Sounds like you maybe you have already. That's good.

    Ordinarily I would say be there for her, she is going through some of the hardest things. But then, the thing that really jumps out at me is this: one minute she says she doesn't care if you see someone else, and the next minute she's threatening to harm some poor girl if you even so much as talk to someone else. That right there is unstable. Please look carefully and really contemplate that she just threatened deadly violence to an innocent person over little more than conversation. When someone says that, and they are not joking, and they say it in the heat of emotion, and they do not take it back immediately after calming down, that's serious. Very serious. That's someone who is genuinely experiencing thoughts of causing harm. That's unstable. Now, she may be unstable because of all the family stuff and stress and stuff we don't even know anything about, and it may be totally understandable, forgivable, and certainly shouldn't be punished. However, the fact remains: she is unstable. I can't fix that. You can't fix that. You sound like you have a good heart, so if you could fix it, I know you would have already. I don't even know if anybody can fix that. But I do know that you need to get as far away from that kind of unstable as you can. If you can't fix it, what are you doing? Putting yourself at risk, possibly others as well. Unstable will drag you down. It will drag you down and you can't imagine just how far down.

    Hopefully, she'll get some help, everything will be fine and maybe someday you can give reconnecting a shot again, it managed to happen before, it might again. But until that day, you gotta get away. You gotta get away and assume that day isn't coming. If it does, hooray. If it doesn't well I'm sure you'll look at your new life and be no less happy. You said when you separated before, you never expected to get back together again. Go back to that mind. You did it before, you can do it again.

    Be kind about it. Make sure she really understands that you want the best for her and you just don't have the means to make things better for you both together right now, and that it's not fair to either of you to stay together if you can't make life you want for each other. Be compassionate and tell it from the heart.

    I wish you both the best.


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