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  • 1 Post By SlowlyButSurely
  • 1 Post By Lazarus

Thread: Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

  1. #1
    Magnum is offline PUA in Training
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    Question Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

    This is a hard one. This question is about the unthinkable.

    Say you've had a death in the family. There's plenty of other forums out there on how to deal with such a thing on a personal level. This question isn't about that, it's dealt with well in other places.

    This about the questions you won't find on those other forums. As Style says, PU isn't a hobby or a method, it is a lifestyle; and in the long run it is really about the development of the PUA as a better person. This post is about where real life and the art intersect.

    What do you do about all these girls trying to text or call, not knowing you are going through a during a difficult period such as this example? And, similarly, what to do about the ones you might be tempted to reach out to?

    Conventional PU wisdom is never talk to a girl when you're down. You either put yourself in a better mood and make contact, or you wait until you are in a better mood and then make contact. The first case, well, in a natural state of grief it just isn't going to happen for a long while. So let's look at the second case. Do you ignore these women? Is this an exception to the rule and you let them know what's going on in your life?

  2. #2
    SlowlyButSurely is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

    Magnum,

    In my opinion, I believe it is best to only communicate these strong emotions to family members or close friends because they know you best and will provide support.

    Doing so with new women in life can run a risk of placing them on the spot of awkwardness. They will feel pressured to comfort you and bring you to ease with your current situation.

    I say leave these challenges at home when you leave the front doorstep and make the best of everyday. Doing so will communicate that nothing stands in the way of you holding your head high. Good luck!

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

    As Slowly said, hide the darkness. Sharing your problems with the world is not going to ease your pain anymore. All anybody is going to tell you when you give them your bad news is "I'm sorry". What the hell are they sorry for? They didn't do anything, and they surely shouldn't be apologizing because God decided that this month was not going to be your lucky time of the year. In the end, you're better off just keeping it to your family and close friends.

    The point you brought up about the art and the lifestyle colliding is very interesting. Personally, I believe that once you get involved in the game, it becomes your lifestyle. You work to change your very essence and who you are, and in the end you come out as a completely different person. I now find that in negative situations, where I would have reacted negatively before, I now react in a manner that gives me the best outcome. I am now a completely different person, and so far this change has not been a short lived or false one.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  4. #4
    Magnum is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

    Thank you, Slowly and Swagman. It is good advice. I agree support is best left for family and close friends, and that most targets are best left entirely out of the negative aspects of everyday life.

    I guess I am trying to frame the question less about seeking comfort from these girls. I am more asking about how to keep momentum. How do you let the better ones know that they're not simply being ignored?

    A freezeout is only good if a girl deserves it: it only carries weight if you don't do it all the time and don't hit them with it when they don't deserve it. It doesn't seem alpha to punish them by withdrawing your presence when it has nothing to do with them. But how would you express that?

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

    Unless they are your girlfriend, there is no reason that you should reassure them that they are not being ignored. It's fine if you aren't responding every blinking moment of the day. If the girl is, it's a pretty good sign that they are super attached to you. If they question you on why you are not responding, you just tell them that you are busy and that you will text them when you can. Make them into the puppy dogs, and have them wait.

    I would not view that as necessarily freezing out. A freeze out is for when you are not getting a reaction from the girl. You stop talking to her, and hopefully she reacts. If you tell her that you are busy and that you will text her when possible, it just becomes a waiting game for her. By flirting when you can and taking this into in-person interactions when you can, you can keep the flames of attraction burning. Another useful thing to do would be to call them instead of texting them all the time. It breaks out of the norm, it's more personal, and it can create for whole more meaningful and better conversations.
    "There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Malcolm X

  6. #6
    Magnum is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

    You're totally right, Swagman, and your advice stands for 99% of the girls. Let em wait.

    I will think about the phone call idea, thank you. I had not factored that in because in this situation it does seem it would be difficult to avoid the elephant in the room in conversation, and avoid sounding like something major is up.

    There's just one girl in that remaining 1% I am a bit concerned about, a weird case. No, I don't respond every blinking moment of the day. And neither does she. She only speaks when spoken to, in fact. But when I do, she responds on the dot, every time, and with great interest. She IS the puppy dog girl you speak of. That's one of the things I like about her (yeah, so sue me, feminists, she likes it too). And at the same time it is also exactly the problem in this situation. She's shy, afraid to disturb me, and unable to initiate (unless I specifically tell her to, in which case she happily complies like a good little puppy). So when I don't contact her for a while, it's a punishment.

    I do understand the freezeout, I just don't see how, from the girl's perspective, how it is any different from me being busy. That's why when I am normally busy I am still careful to _occasionally_ drop an interesting message about what I'm doing, to keep up the momentum and differentiate it from a punishment, so a punishment is effective if and when it must be used. I always try to keep momentum messages short, open-ended, upbeat, exciting, and truthful. However, in the situation I mentioned originally, it's mostly negative (a natural part of real life kind of negative, but a negative nonetheless), there is nothing positive or exciting about dealing with such matters.

    Many schools of thought on pickup emphasize the reinforcement of positive associations in a girls mind (or anyone you want to have good rapport with) and avoidance or downplay of the negative associations. And yet, that seems to be in conflict here. Of course, it is best not to punish at all, instead it is better to inspire, but when an appropriate punishment such as withdrawing attention is warranted, it's best if it can be used at full force, not diluted by long stretches of having been ignored for other reasons. Likewise, a girl that's "punished" by a long stretch of attention withdrawal for non-punishment reasons may have increased attention at first as she tries to figure out what she is being punished for, yet quickly will start to develop a negative association, as she is punished no matter what she does, and loses interest altogether. Keeping it interesting keeps her interested. Long stretches of being ignored eventually become very boring, that and failing to keep her attention on you, those are essentially what loss of momentum is at its core.


    I guess I can just try to suck it up and talk to her like nothing happened. Only that doesn't seem very honest, and I'm not sure how long I can keep that up...

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Life, Death, and the PUA. What to do?

    The real question here to me is this: Do you actually like, or care about, any of these girls? Because it sounds to me like you are actually interested in the "shy puppy dog" girl. If that's not the case then the "let her wait" mentality is a fine one in my opinion, but, if you actually like her, as in might want to pursue some kind of sustained relationship with her, then she isn't just some girl to keep on the hook...she's actually in the category of "friends and loved ones" so there's no reason not to let her in on what's happening with you. Not in a "please don't think I'm ignoring you" needy kind of way, but in a "I want to be honest with you" kind of way. Like you said it's going to be the elephant in the room, so don't make it awkward.


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