TheDuke on Oneitis vs. LTRs
All too often on this forum I see people talk about the concept of "oneitis" without truly knowing what it means. You've all read the game and know that Neil said that the cure for oneitis is to go out and sleep with 10 girls. You all know that oneitis has to do with falling for a girl. However, what many of you don't realize is that oneitis doesn't apply to a LTR with a girl.
To help those who don't understand the difference between oneitis and a LTR, let me explain. Oneitis is the opposite of the abundance mentality. It occurs in the pursuit stage, where, a guy becomes so singularly focused on a female he is pursuing that he forgets that there are other females to pursue. The outcome is often neediness, a guy who is wrapped around a woman's finger, and ultimately the friendzone. We see this on the forum all the time. Just go look at the countless threads from guys asking how to get that "one perfect girl" that they've been chasing forever. New threads like this pop-up on a daily basis. Hell, we even see this occur with online dating, where a guy becomes singularly obsessed with a girl he hasn't even messaged yet.
The reason oneitis occurs is because guys have a hunter mentality. We become focused on our prey and we end up losing sight of everything else around us. In order to counter this tendency, the PUA community has said you need to keep an open frame. Go out and have sex with several other girls in order to break this focus.
So what makes oneitis different from a LTR? A LTR occurs at a different stage than oneitis. As I said above, oneitis is something that occurs at the pursuit stage. It is negative because it happens before you have any control over the development of the relationship. A LTR on the hand is something that occurs once that initial courtship has been successfully completed. Both parties have agreed to create a relationship that will last for a longer period of time. This is normal and healthy--at least by modern societal standards.
Certainly, a LTR can and most often is, made under the pretense that you will exclude other females from your sexual life. However, this doesn't make it oneitis. In fact, if you go through the pursuit and courtship stage and manage not to fall into the trap of oneitis, I feel that your LTR will be more fruitful and fulfilling. This is because you have entered the LTR with full knowledge of what exists outside of the relationship (i.e., other women). This allows you to enter into the LTR being fully informed, which allows you to make an informed decision.
Now that you know the difference between oneitis and LTRs, you may be asking yourself, "Ok TheDuke, now I know the difference. What's your point?" Well, my point is very simple. LTRs cannot be treated like oneitis and oneitis shouldn't be treated like LTRs. If someone falls into the trap of oneitis, the "cure" is to re-instill the abundance mentality. The proper advice for such a situation is to go out and spread your wild oats. If, however, there is a breakdown of a LTR, this advice isn't nearly as productive. To overcome the breakdown of a LTR people often need to experience personal growth and healing. Sleeping with other women may certainly help with this, but it is not the ultimate remedy.
So please, stop confusing the two terms. You are doing yourself a great disservice and you are doing the people we are trying to help a great disservice.
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."