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Thread: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

  1. #1
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    Last week I arranged to go to a movie with a girl tonight, but this afternoon she initiated a Facebook chat with me in which - while she didn't cancel - she seemed like she was lining up excuses to do so:

    She was complaining about the rain (saying it was trying to ruin her weekend plans).
    She said her head is glowing and she thinks she's getting ill again (but she also admitted to having too much beer last night).
    She started saying she liked some other cinema better than the one we arranged to go to (there's nothing very good on at the one she likes better).

    ...and so on.

    Right now she's taking a nap and will see if she feels healthy enough to go outside when she wakes up.

    I'm 90% sure she won't.

    A lot of PUA advice on girls cancelling suggests cancelling back on them, so I wondered whether, seeing as I can see this one coming, it might be worth cancelling first. Or am I just being pessimistic?

  2. #2
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    Well, it's too late to try that plan.

    She's asked if there's any chance if we can postpone because she's not feeling well. I haven't responded yet.

  3. #3
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    Wolf24 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    The issue might lie somewhere else. Did you ever consider giving up the date talk and re-evaluate your interaction with this girl?

    She's probably gonna flake again even if you reschedule, because your relationship lacks some aspects, like comfort or attraction or maybe (I hope not) both.

    I'd suggest pulling back and concentrating on your conversations rather than on the date.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

  4. #4
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    First, thanks for the feedback.

    I'm not exactly sure what you mean. It sounds like you're saying I'm pushing for a date too much and not making enough good conversation with her (it sounds like you're being more specific than that, but I'm not quite getting you).

    Historically, my problem (I think) is that I'm naturally good at attracting - because I'm funny, kinda different, I know my own mind - but awful at moving things forward, so my gut instinct is that your suggestion is off the mark.

    BUT, I have been making a more conscious effort lately - and in particular with this girl - to be more pro-active (for want of a better expression), so MAYBE I over did it.

    I dunno though, can you elaborate? Or is there anything specific I should elaborate more on?

    In the end, after over an hour, I responded to her "Is there any chance we can postpone?" with, "There might be a chance."

    She responded immediately with "At least it's not raining".

    I'm going to give her more time to come up with something better than that. If she doesn't, then I guess she's not that interested.

  5. #5
    Wolf24's Avatar
    Wolf24 is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    I assumed that she flaked on you not because the excuses she told you, but because she didn't feel enough connection with you to go out on a date, which is something more exclusive.

    I'm not saying you're pushing for a date too much, I'm asking if you completed your checklist (attraction, comfort, compliance, validation...) with her before you asked her out on a date.

    If you did, you have nothing to worry, her excuses are probably legit. She might not feel like going out all the time. If she's interested in you, she's gonna see you bruh. Just make sure, don't be too available for her. Be a challenge.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

  6. #6
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    I'm not sure if I completed my checklist.

    I know that I've had a lot of IOIs from her, although there was a higher concentration of these the night we first met.

    Compliance - again, there were some great examples of that the night we met, but not so sure since then. I had thought she was being pretty compliant when I asked her on this date (i.e. I didn't ask - I just acted like it was definitely happening and she went along with it), but maybe I wasn't as slick as I thought...

    By 'validation', do you mean getting her to validate/qualify herself to me? If so, then yeah, I tease her quite a lot and this often comes from that.

    e.g. when I was 'asking' her out, she joked that watching a violent movie is a good way to get a fix of violence for lazy people, I countered that that was why I'd thought of her, "Couch Potato", and she immediately told me that she'd stopped being a couch potato that morning when she'd been for a run.

    Comfort might be the problem then. She seems fairly comfortable with me, but thinking about it, even in situations where it's been just the two of us, there's always been a time constraint or she's had an 'out' if she wants it. Kinda weird for me because, as I say, historically I'm the king of the Friend Zone, which I understand is usually the result of too much comfort and not enough attraction.

    Are there simple ways to check these via text/FB?

    As you say, I'm just gonna back off and not be available - see if she really wants to postpone or whether she's just being polite.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    You can play the questions game via text/FB. Although I recommend doing it face to face, it's a good way to see the boundaries of your relationship.

    I don't remember the exact rules of the questions game but you can always search it in the forum. I think it was something like this:

    - We start asking questions one by one.
    - The answers must be honest.
    - You can't ask the same question I asked. (Ex: If I ask: "How many bfs did you have?", you can't ask: "How many gfs did you have?")
    - And I go first!

    Start with light questions and go for deeper/more sexual gradually. Like a ladder. If she doesn't mind answering your personal questions, it is okay to assume that the comfort is there.

    Also, great way to test compliance. If she calibrates her questions with yours as you improve the intensity of your questions, it's safe to say that she's compliant.

    Last but not least, you can always tease her when she breaks a rule or when you feel like she didn't give an honest answer.

    PS: Light questions don't mean boring questions. Don't start with something like: "What did you eat today?" But do start with something like: "What was your childhood dream?"

    PPS: Don't just jump to the next question when you get the answer. Every question is a new topic. Chat her about it a little bit. But don't get too carried away either. Control the conversation and keep climbing that ladder.
    It's not about who I was or who I'm going to become.

    It's about who I am. Do it right here, right now.

  8. #8
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    I like it. Thanks.

    And if, as I suspect, the comfort isn't quite there?

  9. #9
    easyflow is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    When a girl flakes, unless it is an actual reason, like "I got called into work, and I honestly need the cash", or "My Mom is sick, I gotta take care of her".

    Now those might just be BS lines to get out of the date, but if the girl says, "I'm sorry, I know we said Thursday, but a coworker asked if I could take his shift, I need the money, can we reschedule for early next week?" At least the girl is suggesting another day, she is showing interest.

    If she doesn't suggest another day, one way to play it is to say "I know, life happens, get back to me when you have a free evening, to bad your gonna miss out on (whatever you had planned). Then wait a week, and get back in touch, make plans again, if she flakes, tell her to call you when she has a better idea of her schedule. Then delete her number.

    Usually when a girl flakes, it is because the guy didn't build enough attraction. If she was attracted, and really wanted to see you, she would make it happen.

    I suggest you cancel on this chick, and tell her something else came up, and you hope she feels better, and when she does, to call you.

    Don't be facebook chatting or texting back and forth unless you want to be friend zoned.

  10. #10
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: Should I cancel on her before she cancels on me?

    So, about a half hour ago she sent me a link (nothing else) to a Japanese Burger King commercial where a guy eats a triple whopper like a snake. This is somewhat in keeping with one of the main running jokes we have, which is all about just how much she eats (i.e. lots). It's kind of a funny video but not that funny.

    Do I ignore it completely for now, or acknowledge it with a friendly, but abrupt, response?


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