He shout: "Hi you have a birthday, happy birthday!", and the girl and her friend sat in front of us, and she said:"Why nobody knows about it?" (She didn't talked to me but throw it to the air, in general, and not to harm me in anyway, it's seems weird to her, I think for someone not telling that today it's his birthday)
And at that moment I felt so sad (I feel a tear emerge right now actually), because I thought to myself "it's not fair, she has everything, everybody likes her, she has a lot of friends, and what I have?" I also felt that I have no chance with her at all.
Anyway, the time passes by, and in the last year of high school, she got a boyfriend - and when seeing them together (in some social site before the mighty Facebook) - I said to myself: "man, you don't have a chance... how can I even compete with this guy?!" - The battle lost (without me even trying, during all that time doing all the wrong things - AFC).
Time continues to move on; I went to the army, looking occasionally at the Facebook profile of her, but basically forgetting her.
During this time, and before, I was always thinking: "Ok, what if by some magic she will fell in love with me?, what am I going to do with her?" (Reminds me the line from "Being John Malkovich": " If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me
") Thinking about that made me realize that if I "love" her (or whatever that thing is), it's better for her to be with a man who can really appreciate her I tricked my brain into this state for sometime but then, I suddenly went back looking in her FB profile, and I saw that she and her BF are going a lot to the beach, traveling around the world (yes, I know, I'm showing obsessive and jealous behavior), * watching her with her family going out (maybe all of this is because lack of it for me in little age)* and it made me sad, and I feel like 5 yrs boy caged with a brain of 25 yrs - I've never done any things like that - learning to swim, dance, surf, I am always with the computer, stacked from social point of view.
And here lies the problem - I love to be on the computer, coding, I feel great when doing that, the problem is this urge of nature, I want a beautiful women to be with, I see her and her BF, and on one hand I want to be that guy, on the other hand I suddenly *don't care at all* I just want to be on the computer...
I know its wrong thinking, but I feel like, f**k, I need to learn all those dancing, swimming and work my ass off and all this social interaction, just to be with some chick!? (This or other for that matter) while all I want is keep writing code.
I tried to go out with friends, at the age of 22 I think, and for the first time in my life (hard to believe I know) I went to a restaurant (MacDonald's like), with them, and while there I somehow managed to "hang out" - I mean, all the people, the noise, I don't know why, it just didn't feel good, even being with good friends.
Another time when we went out, we went to bowling 6 7 guys, and after the game we went to some place to eat, and we sat, and the waitress (nice looking girl), asked everyone his order, except me, and then she went , and I couldn't let myself to just call her and say: "Hey you skipped me or something like that".
Or there are times when I was in group of people (which I do not know), and they are talking, and I say something related to what they are talking about, and they just ignore me, like I am invisible, same thing happened while I was with a friend of mine and his sister, he talked to a seller and the seller was completely ignoring me.
All those situations of me, being "invisible" had made me sad and angry, you feel like someone stepping on you like a cockroach, like you worth nothing (I am rush on myself, dont I?), and I say f**k them all, I will make some great software, make a lot of money and it will solve my problems.
But, who am I kidding? Even if I will succeed in gaining a lot of money by self (I know you have to have interaction between people if you want to raise your chances of success), what will I do then? I know that having a lot of money will give me some boost (although temporary and faked one) to my self confidence, I know it will not fix anything, and all the above will happen just the same you need an inner game not money or anything to feel good.
Trying to find a cure, at least to the Oneitis, I go on reading and watching "Tyler Durden" where he talks about the subject of Oneitis and I really liked the explanation, but the solution he and others are suggesting is to go and f**k more women, and if you do not know the skills go and learn them.
The problem is that I look at the girls now days (at least in my country) and it's just not it, they won't turn me on - some are maybe beautiful, but dumb as a wood - and I do not mean dumb in the sense of not knowing to solve a math problem, but dumb in their "inner soul", they just want to hang out, party, they have no ambition, no goals only beauty.
And for those who are going to say "From where you bring all this sh1t, if you are in front of the screen all day!?", I'd say that during the years in the army due to great people and me being smart (not so modest thou
), my confidence grew a little bit, and while there you have no choice but to do things even if you are shy, and I did some talking with girls while guarding, and girl after girl, man, you see they are so shallow (although some were hot) and most of them just want to party, drink f**king alcohol, and that all to it.
I telling myself OK I will f**k all of them but what next? I want quality woman, not just pretty face who doesn't worth me even open the pants zipper.
And I think this makes me obsessed about this girl, I'm afraid I missed the train, because finding a girl like her would be hard as hell, if not impossible.
What's funny is that, back at high school, there was a friend of mine, who was natural, and he went to the army with me, and someday we talked about the times in high school, and he said to me that he sorry he didn't had the time to f**k X (my girl) back then, I mean, you see his way of looking at things a girl is just a human being.
I get that PUA mentality, I really do, I saw my friend in action, he goes with the girl to have fun, not just to fark or something he really enjoys the interaction, while me the "Disney AFC guy" wants a princess to rescue, feel some emotional desire and love living in a fantasy world of sort, what wrong with that? (Except the obvious reason it's not working), does behaving like my friend, getting the women in the end will be worth it? Losing the emotion of "love"?
To sum up to this point, my problem is me being "in love" with that women whom I will never be with (not to mention hadn't seen in real life at least 5 years, and even when I am looking at her photos I see there are others prettier than her, her smile cconquerors me), social handicapped, thinking most of the girls are stupid and narcissistic, cannot let go from the computer, have no enjoyment in social interaction (specially clubs), And after all that, have the desire to be fearless, assertive, not giving a fark.
I want and know I can do great things in life I want my own company, beautiful ,quality women in my life , and change the world, and have no the single clue of how to do it
I saw many guys in the PUA community transferring, and in particular, Neil Strauss you saw how he looked and behaved before and after, and I can relate to that, because things he had like posture and so on, I have, and I know that seeing a man with bad posture, shy, alienate people and the cases of me mentioned above could have been avoided.
I tried learning PU by myself but, I see that I have to have a mentor who will give some push at the beginning and from there I could be on my own, the problem is that I do not know to whom can I go I wish I could go back, when PUA activity was under the radar, and you can go with mystery and thats it.
Now days everyone just trying to get a quick buck, a lot of scammers out there, and this is the case where I live, there are two companies fighting with each other, with people who seems to know nothing, and the solution of going to the PUA's I know that are proven, is to go abroad. And I need a lot of money for that, of which I do not have.
The days are passing by and I feel that I have to do something; I feel I just do not know how can I get over this Oneitis and "fix" myself from the other areas of life, be more mature.
I have no one to talk to, who can understand me, the few friends I have, cannot help me
If you are still here, can you tell what to do?
BTW, before someone suggests it, I went to psychologist, we did CBT and talked, but it's not it I learn by doing, not by talking.
Also I have to mention that sometimes I have bursts of confidence, for instance, while in the army, I "played" with a girl (~6.5-7) and torched her, even trying to flick her pu*y, and she laughed and all.
And speeches - I did several speeches in the army, where afterwards people told me:
"Hey! You bustard! How much continence you have!" or "You have balls of steel to say those things".
I just want to know how to get out of the mud...
Thank you for your patience and your help!