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Thread: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

  1. #1
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    About six months ago a girl I work with made a pass at me on a night out. I knocked her back because she was very drunk and I knew she had a serious, co-habiting boyfriend.

    But as of about one month ago, she doesn't. And it wasn't long before she and I started fooling around a little. Lots of making out and touching, but no sex yet.

    She was sick for about 3 weeks and only just got better this week, so we hadn't seen each other socially for a while.

    On Thursday she was telling me how she'd missed me when she was sick (even though we'd seen each other at work) and she invited myself and two other co-workers around to her place for drinks last night.

    At one point she was berating me for not drinking fast enough and she said, "You want to stay sober for the night you - " then stopped herself and let out an embarrassed, naughty smile. I'm pretty sure the end of the sentence was something like, "...bang the sh1t out of me."

    We hung out at hers for a while then decided to go out. I had two beers left in her fridge, so I got put them in my bag and picked up my bag. When she saw I had my bag on my back she looked all bothered and said, "Why are you taking your bag? Aren't you staying here tonight?" I said that yes I was, but that I was taking beer out with me.

    So, three of us went to a club. It was packed, no room to dance. I think we were only there for a little over an hour then we went and sat outside for a bit. The other friend went home then this girl and I started heading back to her place.

    Then the excessive flip-flopping began.

    We'd stop to kiss and whatnot and she starts with all kinds of sh1t like...

    "Do you like me?" - she's done this before. Turns this simple question into an unnecessary arguement.

    "We shouldn't be doing this... I only just broke up with my ex..."

    But whatever, we were still all over each other. At one point she was sat in front of me between my legs and I decided to try biting her, pretty hard, on the back of her neck. She liked that a lot. I think a few passers by noticed just how much she liked that.

    But then she starts saying, "You know... I think I'm going to go home... I'll see you tomorrow maybe..."

    She makes to wander off again and again then keeps yoyoing back to me and kissing me and kinda taking my hand and pulling me along with her then letting go and waving me off and... on and on and on...

    Eventually I just got bored and went, "Okay bye." walked off and didn't look back.

    About 20-25 minutes later I'm getting on my bus home and she calls me...

    "I'm just getting in my bed, but something's missing..."
    "Oh really? What's missing?"
    "You."

    We talked for about five minutes. I don't remember the exact details, but I think I made it clear that it wasn't too late to make up her mind. She didn't make up her mind though, so I stayed on the bus and went home.

    So, I realise that this kind of flip-flopping isn't unusual with women, but with this one it's excessive. It's not just with me, or even just with men. Her best friend has told me that it always takes a long time to get her home when she's drunk because you can't just get her to... y'know... COME ON! She'll want to stop for all kinds of stupid reasons, stupid sh1t will distract her, she'll wander off in some random direction... and so on.

    I've experienced this myself and have also sen first-hand how her best friend deals with it. She just walks off ahead at a quick pace because waiting for the dawdler only makes things worse. If you don't wait for her, she'll eventually catch up.

    By walking away I guess I gave her the message that I won't be strung along (pretty sure both her ex-boyfriends would and were all the time, which is partly why she has this habit), but still, it didn't get me any sex last night.

    It did occur to me today that I could have walked away towards HER place. That would have been decisive and could have led to sex, I think. But it also could have led to more tedious bullsh1t.

    I really want to crack down on the tedious bullsh1t, so I have in mind to talk to her about it, addressing these three key points

    1) Under no circumstances is she under any pressure or obligation from me.

    2) It's okay to be insecure, uncertain etc.

    3) But this sh1t is excessive. It goes beyond insecurity and becomes about manipulation and control. I'm not interested in that. That's why I've walked away. That's why I will soon walk away for good if she doesn't drop it.

    So, did I do the right thing last night?

    What could I have done instead?

    Is talking to her in the way I have in mind a good idea?

    What else can I do to stop her being such a yo-yo?

  2. #2
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    Well, the answer is right here:

    [So next time, I have a strategy - just push/pull right back at her.

    I shall report back.
    Last edited by KristiBell; 10-28-2013 at 07:35 AM. Reason: link

  3. #3
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    UPDATE:

    First of all, I'm curious as to why the link got removed from my last post. Not disputing it, just curious. I can't find any forum rule that's applicable.

    It was a very useful link... up to a point. If it's okay to say so, it was a post about the 6 different kinds of LMR from the Venusian Arts forum. If it's not okay, then edit this post too. This girl seems a classic, possibly extreme case of type #2.

    I went out with this same girl tonight. We were with a few other friends at her place then at a club. The others left the club and, at that point, things started hotting up between us.

    But she's still being her push/pull self to an extent.

    So I tried the advice from the now removed link. Pull when she pushed, push when she pulls. It seemed to be working. REALLY working.

    Whenever she cooled off and I 'attacked', she responded big time. And whenever I cooled off when she was attacking, it seemed to frustrate her in just the right way.

    To give you an idea of the way things were, at one point we were on the dance floor and some drunk guy kinda bumped into us a few times. I said to her, "He touched my wiener that time..." and she laughed and started rubbing my dick through my trousers. It's not like I'm clutching at straws here...

    So we went back to her place...

    Her roommates, who'd been out with us earlier, were still up when we got back. We had something to eat, they went to bed, then she says she's going to bed and starts saying I'm sleeping on the couch.

    I honestly thought she was joking and I acted as such.

    But she got a pillow and blanket from her room, took them out to the couch and even undid my trousers and pulled them off (dropping the contents of my pockets all over the floor in the process - I insisted she pick it all up, which she did).

    I demanded a bedtime story - I guess because I was still treating this as a joke - and she told me one, pausing to touch and make out with me as she told it.

    Then she finished up, said something about having an early start in the morning (not for work, a long day of partying, I think), switched out the light and went to her room.

    I felt kinda blind-sided.

    And I felt like a chump...

    So, after a while, seeing as I wasn't sleepy (I was damn horny), and seeing as I didn't want to be woken up in the morning, I decided to just up and leave.

    Was this 'reacting'? Or was I right to do anything but accept being treated like a chump?

  4. #4
    OG_PlMP is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    It sounds like she just wants a guy to take control. Don't put up with her bullshit and call her out on it. If it were me that night (from the first post) I would have made the choice myself to go to her place. Not let her decide. You were waiting for her to decide but she didn't want to be the one to say "come to my place and fuck me hard", even if that was what she really wanted.

    Onto the second post with the update: It sounds like you didn't escalate enough. Once you were making out on the couch you should have escalated as far as possible toward sex and then she would probably stop you and say "what if my roommates hear" or some other stupid thing then bring her to her room to bang.

    Both cases, u just gotta man up and take control of the situation. This girl sounds really indecisive and she wants you to make the decisions for her.

  5. #5
    Vere is offline PUA Forums Respected Contributor
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    Default Re: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    OG_PIMP is right, I mean the girls are natural players and here my friend..you have met what we call a coquette..this type of a girls like to tease a lot..I don't know how they figured this out..but I guess its their biological programming..a way around a coquette is not to tolerate their behaviour..don't play by their rules and always maintain super alpha frame control because they like to push you around until they are walking all over you..watch out for them and don't let go of alpha male frame
    Whether you think you can or you can't either way, you are right-To believe in the heroic makes heroes

  6. #6
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    Thanks guys. I think you're right...

    As I said, I was doing pretty much as you say earlier on in the club, and it was working. But I took my eye off the ball when we were back at her place because I honestly thought she was just kidding around, and the best thing to do seemed to be to laugh it off. Turns out it wasn't...

    Any thoughts on whether leaving was a good or bad idea?

    She called me about 9 this morning, but I missed the call because I was sleeping and the phone was on the other side of the room. I texted her and she replied asking, "Where are you????????????" (yes, twelve question marks). My phone was out of credit though, so I messaged her a little later on Facebook, simply saying that I was at home.

    She's now replied, asking when I went home and why. I had in mind to say that I felt like I'd be more comfortable at home (and was), but maybe it's time to call her out and be more frank. This is where I find it hard to know where the fine line is between being a guy who knows what he wants and a guy that's needy.

    So, suggestions as to HOW to do this would be very welcome.

  7. #7
    OG_PlMP is offline PUA in Training
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    Default Re: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    Well I wouldn't call her out in text, it shows her actions bothered you and you're thinking about it/her when you're not with her - adding fuel to the fire. I would only do so in a playful and confident manner only in person when she's actually doing it. I would make a joke out of it. Be playful like you don't care that you didn't get laid and it doesn't phase you.

    When she asked where you are, maybe make a joke like "what, so that's not you lying in bed next to me? No wonder she looked at me funny when I kept screaming Jenny (or w/e her name is) ". Not the best but I'm hungover and it's all I can think of right now, plus I think you get the point.

  8. #8
    G Force is offline Aspiring PUA
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    Default Re: How do I deal with a girl who is so, SO on/off?

    Yeah man, I get the point.

    I just responded pretty casually. Her tone generally this morning/afternoon was... 'abandoned', so I think leaving was the right thing. It turned the tables a bit. The way I look at it, she made it seem like I'd have someone to sleep with, then withdrew it. I made it look like she'd have someone to have breakfast with, then withdrew it.

    So yeah, I made no big deal of it at all (she seemed more bothered), but I get that next time AT THE TIME, I need a more confident attitude.

    But yeah, when dealing with a girl who needs you to take control, I think it's maybe better to take it a step at a time. I get the taking control advice, but I might have fluffed it. As it is, I wasn't as strong as I could have been, but I refused to be controlled.

    She's not a pure coquette - she doesn't have the emotional detachment and coldness for that - but there's A LOT of coquettishness about her, for sure. I've been fighting fire with fire... just a little more, I think.


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